As I've grown I've adapted to many situations, more times than not have welcomed change and made the saying "pick your battles" my motto. So many sayings come to my mind as I go about life, such as 'just roll with it', 'this too shall pass', 'times, they are a changing', 'don't sweat the small stuff....it's all small stuff''. You get the picture.

I often think about how my mom would react and handle things. I recall her expectations around the holidays and the many times she found herself disappointed. Just one of the many things I wish I would've been able to give to her....a life with fewer disappointments. As I ponder the way my mother and others deal with things I find that I mold myself accordingly. Disappointment is inevitable but for the most part it's how we choose to respond to situations that brings it about. (or not)

I jokingly posted a status on FB recently that perhaps I should lower my expectations as to avoid or lessen disappointment in my world. WRONG, I know. Perhaps it's just best if I approach life with an open-mind. It's ok to have a plan. Many folks along lifes way encourage a course of action. But one thing I know for sure is I'm not like many folks and my course has never quite been what I thought it would be. (it's been better!)

I mentioned previously that disappointment in inevitable and it is, and knowing that I tend to make decisions for my life that might bring about the least amount of disappointment. I wonder if my mom ever did that? (i don't really feel as though she did)

What I will never understand nor subscribe to is willingly putting myself into situations where there is knowingly potential for disappointment. With that said I've conditioned myself to just walk away from many situations, relationships, and people. In doing so I have a sense of peace rather than disappointment. I subscribe to keeping my life happy, joyous and as peaceful as possible.

It's been years since my father and I have spoken. I contemplated phoning him Christmas day and saying hello. ....I never made the call. You see I was back and forth on making the call as it was. I was unsure of the real purpose for it, what I hoped to get out of it, etc.... And then my brother called to wish me a Merry Christmas and encourage me to make the call. He also wanted to make sure I had dad's new number....as he had moved. I took the number and pondered what exactly to do with it.

I don't have a "dad" listing in my contacts. I did at one time and every time my phone was lost or left behind the kind folks who found it would kindly call my "dad" and let him know my phone was lost. In turn his wife would contact my husband and tell him where the phone was. And that's it. All the contact I've had aside from the cards I sent some years ago, along with the letter I wrote. The End. It's an end that I came to terms with years ago. I've cried my tears. I've missed what was. I've healed and moved on.

My dad was a good dad. A fun guy. My favorite human for many years of my life. And then things changed. Me, Him, and life as we knew it....changed.

I think the best thing to come out of this though is the relationship my brother now has with dad. It's been a long time coming. And I'm truly beyond happy for the both of them.

I really don't know what I'd begin to say to someone with whom I no longer know. And not 100% sure I want to know. And by that I mean I don't desire to know the hows, whys, to ending a relationship with one of your children. I don't desire to know the hows, whys behind not wanting a relationship with your grandchildren. I tried, I tried for many many years and really have zero try left in me.

The toughest part of this is the effect it seems to have on my brother, whom I love dearly. For it's him I'm disappointing by not making the phone call. I thank him for the number but it just made me realize this....In the past year and a half I've moved as well. Like my father I didn't notify him of my move (nor me of his). There's a reason for that ..... we've both moved on. He's happy. I'm happy. And so it goes.

I have the memories, and they bring me joy and make me smile. I focus on the good stuff and am beyond thankful for those who chose to be in my life.

 Life is all about the choices we make....and I choose to not intentionally bring about disappointment.