I'm not quite sure how to put it into words because to some it would seem impossible, to others crazy, to others plausible and to me it was just amazing.
Yesterday I called 'home' and talked to mom. It was a short covo in part because I just miss her so and really you can only communicate that in so many ways. So after talking to her I set out for a relaxing bath to start my day. Once that process was over and some time spent playing with the pooches, PJ & I decided to tease Ike so we hopped up onto the bed and taunted him because he didn't have the necessary spring in his step to join us. Pooped out from playing both dogs sacked out as did I.
I recall thinking I'd just close my eyes for a moment as I had things to do, an appointment to go to and then get the kids & go to work. So I closed my eyes. And I remember thinking I should wake up, get up but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. So I resolved to awaken when the church bells chimed. I'm not sure how much time had passed really, but at the chiming of the bells I awoke. The first thing I did was wipe my cheeks and feel the pillow case .....both were dry.
How could it be? They were sure to have been dampened from all my tears. For while I was 'sleeping' my mom came and held me. I vividly remember rocking back and forth in her arms. I remember sobbing on her shoulder. So happy to see her, so happy to hold her, so happy to be held by her. We remained entwined for sometime and tears of joy never stopped flowing. It would've been impossible for my eyes to not have been puffy and my pillow case to not be soaked.
Yet dry as a bone. At the sound of the church chimes I awoke. Refreshed, renewed and with just enough time to get going on my day. I felt so comforted.
I don't have any logical 'this world' explanation for what i experienced. I just know it happened. It eased my cares. It comforted my soul. And left me longing for more.
I don't know that I saw my moms face. I only know I knew her touch, smell, the soothing feeling you get from a mom. I felt my hair being brushed back from my face and the tears being wiped away. I am unsure if I went away for a moment of if the moment came to me but regardless it was a moment I'll treasure.
She showed up....that's what moms do. & yes! she's amazing.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
9485563
Good morning momma! I've gotta tell you we've had a couple of weeks worth of days that you would love love love. I can't remember when the colors have been so beautiful. Life is still as crazy as ever. I'm sure without a doubt that you know that though.
You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me. ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true. I call....
Kids and I miss you loads. I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you. I am sure that surprises you a bit. Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them. Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact.
The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet. I don't know if/when it will.
I read the book Heaven is For Real. I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again. Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand. I think you were the softest person I ever knew.
Please keep watch over us but especially my kids.
love you & miss you.
You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me. ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true. I call....
Kids and I miss you loads. I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you. I am sure that surprises you a bit. Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them. Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact.
The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet. I don't know if/when it will.
I read the book Heaven is For Real. I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again. Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand. I think you were the softest person I ever knew.
Please keep watch over us but especially my kids.
love you & miss you.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ramblings...
do you ever:
...wonder why some people always seem to be frowning
...simple listen to the songs being sung in church without singing along
...stop and watch the bird try to get the worm
...become amazed a all the colors in a sunset/rise
...give much thought to all the jobs, there are, all the rules/regulations in this life
...randomly wave "hi" to some stranger
...just look someone straight in the eyes, smile and say "hello" - even if you don't know them
did you know:
...there's a state library regulatory group who determines how your local library is ran (this one baffled me, idk why?)
...it takes less energy to smile/uses less muscles
...you determine how others affect you
...God knows the outcome of all of this "world" ....we need to not worry
have you ever:
...done a random act of kindness
...stood alone
...taken the high road
...said your peace
...asked for forgiveness
...said "i love you"
...said "i'm sorry"
don't you think:
...laughter is a great sound
...the wind feels good
...the sun is amazing
...a touch from another is soothing
...best friends are amazing
...true friends are a blessing
...mercy is necessary
...tolerance should be a given
...differences accepted
wouldn't you like to:
...be able to experience different cultures
...speak/understand different languages
...be you - at all times
...make a difference
...be the difference
...love - unconditionally at all times
...wonder why some people always seem to be frowning
...simple listen to the songs being sung in church without singing along
...stop and watch the bird try to get the worm
...become amazed a all the colors in a sunset/rise
...give much thought to all the jobs, there are, all the rules/regulations in this life
...randomly wave "hi" to some stranger
...just look someone straight in the eyes, smile and say "hello" - even if you don't know them
did you know:
...there's a state library regulatory group who determines how your local library is ran (this one baffled me, idk why?)
...it takes less energy to smile/uses less muscles
...you determine how others affect you
...God knows the outcome of all of this "world" ....we need to not worry
have you ever:
...done a random act of kindness
...stood alone
...taken the high road
...said your peace
...asked for forgiveness
...said "i love you"
...said "i'm sorry"
don't you think:
...laughter is a great sound
...the wind feels good
...the sun is amazing
...a touch from another is soothing
...best friends are amazing
...true friends are a blessing
...mercy is necessary
...tolerance should be a given
...differences accepted
wouldn't you like to:
...be able to experience different cultures
...speak/understand different languages
...be you - at all times
...make a difference
...be the difference
...love - unconditionally at all times
Monday, October 10, 2011
finding my passion....finding me.
void of a passion....
for as long as i can remember i've heard people talk about their passion. you're encouraged to find your passion when seeking a profession/career. then there are those who have a passion about a cause or in the form of a talent. me....i've got nothing.
people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. the earliest memory i have of this question is when i was early elementary school age. it was posed to me on a sunday afternoon while exiting the church. our pastor at the friends church was xen harvey. awesome gentleman. and i distinctly remember him shaking my brothers hand, commenting on his impeccable attendance record of having never missed a sunday and him asking eric what he wanted to be when he grew up. eric's response "a pastor". wow! i remember thinking! that's gonna be tough to follow. immediately i remember trying to think what i could do for the rest of my life. what did i enjoy? what was i good at? dance, twirling, gymnastics. dress-up. all i knew for sure was i needed to quickly ready my answer. and before i could contemplate any further it was my turn to answer, "i want to be a playboy bunny when i grow up!" i don't know when i've ever answered a question with so much enthusiasm, confidence and i spoke it as though it was nearly a done deal. all i needed....a puffy white tail & cute ears. right?!?
next time i recall that question "what do you want to be/do when you grow up?" was in high school. you know, ask the teen! those folks who most adults feel know nothing! a sound, wise decision is sure to be made. truth be told i had no idea. i didn't know what all my options were. i seemed to know more about what i didn't want to do than what i wanted to do/be. not a nurse, not a secretary, not a medical anything, not a secretarial anything, .....so business i guess. because business is everywhere ...that shouldn't really limit me. so marketing/business it was. and i learned in the classroom it was boring. i learned in the real world it was shallow, manipulative, aggressive, competitive, and unrewarding. so i reconsidered. perhaps i would enjoy teaching. it's rewarding...right? sure it is. and i enjoyed working with the KIDS. THEY were awesome. and then i dawned on me, it too seemed to be a business, aggressive, competitive, manipulative, and just like in the business world i left behind i encountered shallowness, intolerance, bullying at all levels and i bailed. it obviously wasn't my passion.
i did direct sales and had success but then didn't really care if you bought something or not. i taught dance. that was fun. but lets face it i'm older & much larger than when i did it for sport. i coached, it was fun - i did it well, ....i was fired. (a whole other blog)
so i waitress. i work with/for my friend(s). i have great customers. i smile a lot, laugh a lot, talk a lot, share a lot, and am humbled daily.
i don't know that anyone would call being a waitress a "passion" but i'd have to say it really has been one of the more rewarding jobs i've done. as i reflect as to possible reasons why...it boils down to one thing. i get to be me. i've never been requested to change my point of view, opinion, religion, friends, relations. i've not been censored, told who i can/cannot talk to, or what i can/cannot talk about. i think the only sacrifice i've had to make is to adhere to wearing the chuckwagon t-shirt.
i guess my passion is just being me. after all my me is a good thing. God created it and He doesn't make junk. He had a purpose. i don't know what that is, but i do know He is leading my way. i stumble and fall from time to time (day to day) but He always picks me up, dust me off and we set back out. my record, well thanks to his gift, his Son Jesus Christ - it's a clean slate.
what's your passion?
for as long as i can remember i've heard people talk about their passion. you're encouraged to find your passion when seeking a profession/career. then there are those who have a passion about a cause or in the form of a talent. me....i've got nothing.
people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. the earliest memory i have of this question is when i was early elementary school age. it was posed to me on a sunday afternoon while exiting the church. our pastor at the friends church was xen harvey. awesome gentleman. and i distinctly remember him shaking my brothers hand, commenting on his impeccable attendance record of having never missed a sunday and him asking eric what he wanted to be when he grew up. eric's response "a pastor". wow! i remember thinking! that's gonna be tough to follow. immediately i remember trying to think what i could do for the rest of my life. what did i enjoy? what was i good at? dance, twirling, gymnastics. dress-up. all i knew for sure was i needed to quickly ready my answer. and before i could contemplate any further it was my turn to answer, "i want to be a playboy bunny when i grow up!" i don't know when i've ever answered a question with so much enthusiasm, confidence and i spoke it as though it was nearly a done deal. all i needed....a puffy white tail & cute ears. right?!?
next time i recall that question "what do you want to be/do when you grow up?" was in high school. you know, ask the teen! those folks who most adults feel know nothing! a sound, wise decision is sure to be made. truth be told i had no idea. i didn't know what all my options were. i seemed to know more about what i didn't want to do than what i wanted to do/be. not a nurse, not a secretary, not a medical anything, not a secretarial anything, .....so business i guess. because business is everywhere ...that shouldn't really limit me. so marketing/business it was. and i learned in the classroom it was boring. i learned in the real world it was shallow, manipulative, aggressive, competitive, and unrewarding. so i reconsidered. perhaps i would enjoy teaching. it's rewarding...right? sure it is. and i enjoyed working with the KIDS. THEY were awesome. and then i dawned on me, it too seemed to be a business, aggressive, competitive, manipulative, and just like in the business world i left behind i encountered shallowness, intolerance, bullying at all levels and i bailed. it obviously wasn't my passion.
i did direct sales and had success but then didn't really care if you bought something or not. i taught dance. that was fun. but lets face it i'm older & much larger than when i did it for sport. i coached, it was fun - i did it well, ....i was fired. (a whole other blog)
so i waitress. i work with/for my friend(s). i have great customers. i smile a lot, laugh a lot, talk a lot, share a lot, and am humbled daily.
i don't know that anyone would call being a waitress a "passion" but i'd have to say it really has been one of the more rewarding jobs i've done. as i reflect as to possible reasons why...it boils down to one thing. i get to be me. i've never been requested to change my point of view, opinion, religion, friends, relations. i've not been censored, told who i can/cannot talk to, or what i can/cannot talk about. i think the only sacrifice i've had to make is to adhere to wearing the chuckwagon t-shirt.
i guess my passion is just being me. after all my me is a good thing. God created it and He doesn't make junk. He had a purpose. i don't know what that is, but i do know He is leading my way. i stumble and fall from time to time (day to day) but He always picks me up, dust me off and we set back out. my record, well thanks to his gift, his Son Jesus Christ - it's a clean slate.
what's your passion?
