retrospective & resolutions

The new year is quickly approaching. Everyone seems to be talking of their new year resolutions. Me, well....not so much. I do however have new year hopes...such as:
1. home remodel DONE!
2. more time together as a family(immediate & extended)
3. 2 vacations would be nice
4. calm in the storms that are sure to come my way

I always seem to get a little anxious this time of year. I experience the sigh of relief that comes with making it through another...followed by the anxiety I tend to experience not knowing what the new year will bring. It's moments like this that I rely on my heavenly Father to get me through. Aging makes me nervous in a sense. Not so much for myself, but for the ones that I love. Parents are still with us, but for how much longer? Kids are that much closer to being "grown up" & out of the house. And for all whom I love it's the same scenario...another 365 to get through...hopefully without many hardships and losses.

2010 will bring a new family member into our clan. Baby Van Ness is due with in the first 2 months. That's always exciting!

In 2010 my family is sure to have quite a few experiences that will be memorable. Especially if my number 1 hope becomes a reality.

But as 2009 comes to a close I want to go through a retrospective of how my year has gone...

Began the new year with good friends, always a great way to start things off...resumed working at the Chuckwagon...resigned from my instructional aide position from oak hill jr. high...attended group work camp with my daughter and our youth group...was fired as freshman cheer coach at oak hill high school...appointed director of our kids hope program...lost many family members in such a short period of time: uncle bud cox, cousins: neal van ness, dick matchette and an aunt, mary jane draper...

...I've been very thankful this year for all of my experiences for they have allowed me to grow closer to my God. They have reminded me that He has a plan and is in total control. I'm thankful for the many friends, acquaintances (new & old) that have lifted up prayers (requested or not) for myself and my family. I'm thankful for my husband...that he love the Lord and is such a fine caretaker of our family. I'm thankful for employment for the both of us.

In retrospect I resolve to not have a resolution, but to have Hope and Faith. Hope that the new year will be good to us and Faith to know that whatever it may bring, the good, bad or ugly (lol) God will provide & see us through.

I wish the same for all of my friends & family. May God pour out His blessing on you & yours this coming new year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

making memories

The house is bustling with the sounds of games...pac man, pole position, guitar hero, and wake boarding. My husband and kids are all enjoying their new toys and getting reacquainted with old ones. I find myself doing random stuff all the while listening to their laughter, cheers, and challenges.

Many would say that what needs to be done isn't getting accomplished. I would argue that opinion. There may be dishes to wash, clothes that need laundered and put away and rooms to tidy up but bigger fish are a fryin if you will. What is getting accomplished is time together talking, laughing, and just enjoying each others company.

Before to long all I'll be left with is a house to clean as my kids will have moved on & out. So today instead of making things...clean...I'll make some memories with my family. They'll remember those far more than if their jeans were washed or not.

Here's to making memories!~

listening

I talk to God all the time. And by all the time I do mean throughout the day. If you were to peek in my window and see me you'd think I was talking to myself... It's only been recently I've been able to also listen to/for God to respond or talk to me.

Earlier this week I was in a very frustrated state of mind. And someone very dear to me kept calling out to God to be with her. To help her. To hear her plea and answer her prayer. This got me thinking...thinking about the times I've heard her talk to God...sending up a prayer, request, plea, ...! If you were to ask her I think she'd tell you 'she feels as though her prayers are going unanswered.' Her situation she's repeatedly lifted up hasn't improved. In reality it could be considered worse. THIS is what provoked my thought...What if God is trying to tell you something. To slow you down. To get your attention. To have you STOP and listen. What if He doesn't want you to continue to do as you have done. What if He as a new plan. If He has an intention other than your own? What if you're not listening...

I'm not an expert and I certainly don't have an inside track on how God perceives us or talks to us but I do think that it's too easy for us to keep asking, praying, and when things don't turn out as requested questioning and upping the plea. When perhaps what we really need to do is embrace where we are, what we are capable of ourselves and give Him the opportunity to do with us what He pleases.

Change of any kind isn't easy. But sometimes His plan might require us to change our prayer. To alter our perception of what should, could or will be. To take each day and give it to Him so that His will may be done and NOT our own.

I think in order to do that we must be quiet and listen for what He has to say.

Sometimes I feel really angry & resentful. I don't like this feeling...all the while I can't deny that I have it. Seven years is the difference between my brother & I. That said I'm sure there are a lot of things that "really" happened during that time that I didn't see, understand or had a completely different interpretation of. Regardless it's my memories that have shaped my outlook.

The facts as I see them: *Eric = mommas boy *me=daddy's girl *Eric= no wrong in the sight of the mom & not quite what dad had expected (according to mom) *me= i took & took & took from the family, twirling, dance, gymnastics, camp, designer clothes, etc... *Eric= incredible singer & performer *me= obligatory dance recital at the end of the year...(great time to catch a few zzzzz's) Many "happy" fronts, many overheard arguments, many guilt trips, & IT never being good enough. (you can fill the "it" it with what ever you like...it's applicable) Always work to be done. Everyone else is out of the way. Time outs, in the corner, paddling w. butter paddle, belt, switches, hand, wooden spoon, rubber spatula, ...I think I've got them all. OH, & reminded..."I never wanted a girl"

I liked my Grandma & Grandpa Stroup, my brother & my dad.

This is life as I recall from my earliest memory until age 15.

Cheating, lying, Divorce, being used by one parent, being thrown away by the other. I did my own thing...for many reasons: to hurt others, for attention, to escape & try to find a life of my own that I liked. Desperately in search of NOT becoming THEM!

>>Late 20's & on...: Married (2nd time), 2 beautiful blessings! In laws from heaven. Time to make my own. More mature and seeing repair needed to be done I've made attempts at mending (as best as I can) relationships with my parents. I give myself & the end result a D. I have a Dad who has checked out. He doesn't want the bother of "wanting" children, grandchildren. He doesn't want them present longer than he deems tolerable. (last visit at my house was 17 min. from the time he sat in recliner to the time he walked out the back door...but who's counting) Phone calls are a minimal expense, e-mails are free, as are "chats", comments etc... on Facebook. What they do cost is time & effort. A prime example of "silence is golden" ...Message received. I'm hurt, mad, angry, and I don't like feeling this way. My mom is in horrible condition. 8 surgeries on her hip, arthritis, fibermyalgia, and anything else you can think of. She's alone...no brothers & sisters, no parents, no spouse. She'd do anything for anyone....just be willing to pay the piper. I hate she's alone. I hate it that she alienates people because she likes people & she needs them. I hate it that she won't be reasonable & take steps to help her self & her living & physical conditions. I hate it that she won't listen. I'm angry that I need her too and she can't help me. I'm angry that what I've got to do doesn't matter. I'm angry that I'm the bad one (again) because I don't/won't STOP my life to full fill her's. I'm angry that I feel so hateful about it ALL! She's my mom & I shouldn't. He's my dad & I shouldn't. But it's getting harder & harder to disguise, to suppress, to deny. Yet honesty other than the way it "should" be will only get me banned. Labeled the mean one.

It's 4 days until Christmas . I've not 1 decoration up. My house is a mess. I have to take my kids to my moms because SHE wants to make cookies & goodies. However not with them....with me. I have to finish her shopping. And she's asked me to stay longer when I come to pick them up so she can get some more of the things she wants done...done. Now I'm down to 3 days before Christmas. Did I mention my husband has an overnight for the next 2 days for his job? I still have to finish my shopping, wrap the gifts, clean my house, decorate some (it's Christmas!) and with any luck enjoy time with MY kids doing things like making our own goodies.

I've tried to justify the ends/means of it all. With analogies like "I took & took as a child therefore it's my turn to give & give & give". But the reality of it is I was a child. Like my own children who are in activities they can ask to participate but it doesn't mean they have to. And there are times (many) they don't. I am the parent & I make the decision. So if I was bossy or demanding as a child perhaps someone should've parented a bit more & just said "NO". I would've survived.

I feel resentful for not having parents that can be involved. That want to be involved. I feel cheated. I have one that could & doesn't & one that can't and would. Funny huh?! At times I think I'm being punished. But that's not how God works. I've got to be honest...(as this is what this is about)...I'm not sure how God is working in this one. I feel so many things that I know would only hurt Him. I feel these things and yet I don't feel like I'm being "me" at all.

I want my life. At times I feel like I'm living a double one. & Frankly I'm sick & tired of the "one" that I didn't choose. 43 years tired of that one! It's filtrated itself into my chosen life. The one I've created with my husband & kids. It's not healthy...never has been. I can't fix it...never could. But it's there & It's not going away. A part of it is alone & needy...needing ONLY what she wants. I can't give it, don't want to, don't have it in me to give...I'm empty, mean & angry...I become someone I don't know, or like.

God help me...all of me to be pleasing to You.

family

Family...interesting concept that can bring about many thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings. They can be funny, fun, loving, caring, irritating, hateful, mean and sometimes completely unlikeable yet because of individual decisions to form a union, procreate etc...they become yours. I remember at an early age having one side that I preferred over the other. I remember feeling bad that I didn't click, for whatever the reason with the other side. I also remember feeling as though my parents just didn't click, fit well together if you will at an early age. I felt bad for that too. I remember being very observant of other families, husbands & wives, and they way they interacted with one another. I've always had an interest in how families celebrated holidays, birthdays, always curious as to what there traditions were. Don't get me wrong, we had celebrations and traditions, we took many family vacations and for the most part were pretty typical. (i think) But for some reason I often felt there was something missing.

I come from a Cox, Stroup, McCune or McCone (not sure), and Draper mix. I grew up in very close proximity to the Cox's and the Stroups. These families were from my mom's side. There were many of them as both my grandparents, Ike & None were from big families. We had summertime reunions, Christmastime celebrations and there was always a ton of people & cousins of all ages everywhere. I remember these gatherings as good times. My dad's side is comprised of the other two. I'm not sure why, but it didn't seem like they ever got together much. The celebrations seemed few and far between. Sadly I remember feeling as though I HAD to go to the Christmas dinner or the Thanksgiving dinner. I never understood why I felt this way and remember getting in trouble for feeling as such year in and year out. I would often get told to "get over myself" and that "I wasn't too good to go there". Interestingly enough I don't ever remember feeling or thinking that...I just didn't feel like I belonged. And the bigger twist...I was an all out Daddy's girl, hands down. I didn't much care for my mom at all.

I can't tell you a fond memory of my "Grandma Draper" however I can tell you two things I do remember, she made awesome sorgum cookies and she arranged a meeting place for my dad to meet up with my mom's best friend...they are now married. I remember answering the phone and getting the message of her passing and feeling like I should feel something. I did not. I also don't have many memories of my "Grandpa Draper". But what I do remember was that he was a big man who like to play checkers - I think he taught me how and he would always put me on his knee. That's it. It seems like something is missing huh? Why do we connect the way we do? Why is it so easy with some and so hard with others? I guess I thought just being "Family" would've been enough to eliminate and break down any barriers. Perhaps in a perfect world.

My dad lost his sister Mary Jane this last week. I feel very sorry for him. But I'm sure he'll never know or believe that. He lives in Florida and was unable to travel home to the services so I'm sure that will forever be a regret. I only know this because my brother told me. My dad & I don't really talk much anymore. Neither of us picked up the phone to tell the other of the passing or have a conversations about it. Just one more thing that will undoubtedly go unspoken. Obviously I'm not so much a daddy's girl anymore. Funny how things change. I've had friends come & go, boyfriends come & go...but I never thought relationships with parents should, would or could ever come & go. I was wrong. I didn't want it to go, but don't begin to know how to EVER get it back. That's the power of time & unspoken words! I love my daddy. I just don't seem to know him very well anymore. When ever my family would visit him I would often try to engage his memory of times we had when I was little. (all the while trying to be respectful to his new wife...who also knew of the memories as she was often there...she was however my moms best friend.) I would bring up anything I could hoping he would also share the memory. I don't recall having much success. And with every miss the void of not having my "dad" grew greater. Aside from the fact that a girl never stops needing or wanting her daddy, I had hopes that he wouldn't be the grandparent that didn't show up in memories. He tells me when we do talk to tell the kids he loves them. I just wish he'd tell them and talk to them himself. Instead history is repeating itself. This makes me sad.

My family (extended) has experienced the loss of 3 people this past week. Death can bring about so many emotions. I found it interesting how I reacted to each loss. (obviously it got me thinking) I was first told by my mother about the loss of my dad's sister, Mary Jane. When mom called she said "kelly, Mary Jane died". I responded with a genuine "who?". She further explained it was my Aunt. "Oh." I had nothing. Felt nothing. Felt bad for not feeling something. Then I found a feeling and it was sadness for those who did love her. But none for myself. And I had known her since birth.

The following day I received word that Andy's cousin (mine by marriage) had passed away, Dr. Neal Van Ness. Devastated, that's the emotion I had with this news. Neal had become a friend, was my Dr. when I hurt my knee & had to have surgery, we shared laughs until we cried. He was accepting of me as a new family member and happy for Andy & I and loved, knew and would always ask about the kids. He was a great brother to his sisters, and husband to Pam. I knew this about him. Although just a cousin by marriage I was gonna miss him a lot.

Last night while waiting tables I learned of the passing of Dick Matchette. I felt so sad for Linda & Patty - they loved their Daddy. I love that they still called him "Daddy". The fact they referred to him as that always seem to stand out to me. DADDY I don't thing a child can refer to their father in a more loving way.

I used to call my dad "daddy". Ha! I've even used it on him recently in hopes of stirring an emotion. ...A girl can hope.

With Divorces the family dynamic is forever changing as with the passing of loved ones. Again the decisions of 2 can have such a powerful affect on so many.

Family and their traditions can be so important on each generation. The traditions on my side seem to be dwindling as do those on my husbands. I don't want them too. It's not a change that I think is good.

I hope and pray that the cycle of distant grand parenting can stop with me. I can't go back, erase time, or change the way things in my life have played out. BUT I can, each day choose MY FAMILY...MY HUSBAND, MY DAUGHTER, MY SON. I choose to fall in love again daily with my husband. I choose to be there for the laughter, tears, joys, sorrow's and all that life hands my children. I'm choosing to go through all of this with them every day that God blesses me with them. I'm choosing them. I want them to know that.

Sometimes when the kids get mad at me I tell them to take it up with God because he gave them to me, so therefore He knew what He was doing, what they needed and that's why they got me... (haha) Well, with that in mind the same is true for myself. Ramona Stroup & James Draper is what I was given. I love my parents the best I know how. It's a love that is ever changing. It's unconditional. Sometimes it's a strong emotion other times it's an emotion that seems buried down deep. But know matter the depth I can still feel it. Someday they to shall pass. I anticipate the passing of my mother to be a difficult one to handle. I'll find comfort in that fact that for the first time in my life I will be able to say "she's no longer in pain". But, she'll also no longer be a phone call away or a short drive to Fairmount. Whit her passing will go my childhood home and many many memories. A few years ago I knew my dad had been ill & I was so scared and concerned I flew to Florida to spend sometime with him. I asked him about plans/things "when" the time came. Sadly I was told to not worry about it. He explained to me that his step-daughter had all the information. He lives near her now and she can handle everything. Done & Done. I guess I just wait for the phone call. I don't know what I'll miss. It scares me that I'll miss nothing.

What I have are memories of being a daddy's girl. I'll treasure those. I have memories of not liking (yet loving) my mother and over time finding a friend in her. I had 4 grandparents 2 I knew for fact loved me more than anything. I only had aunts and uncles on my dad's side. Jack I never knew well, Dick was ornery & always funny, Ann was a great cook, and Mary Jane did hair. I don't remember much more. Cousins...a ton! especially on my moms side. We always had fun when we were kids. I don't see them much now.

Here's to the memories.

Family

It was so good to get to see many family members this weekend! Perhaps a new tradition has been started. Paula Van Ness from La, Steve & Teresa Trager from IL, Sam & Michelle from NY, Jon & Mandy & kids, Nason & Sara, Valda & Dave, Becky & Dale, Heather, Vanessa, & Emma and Uncle Ralph were all able to gather together for the Liberty tenderloin dinner, surprise baby shower & good times at Ed & Emma Jean Van Ness'. Of course we were there too! Sunday was more of the same with a visit from aunt Peggy...who seems to be one of my childrens favorite. (understandably)

I can't think of anything better than laughter with family. Such good times and great memories.

It's always a good thing when family can come together. Friends are nice and serve a purpose, but it's just that much nicer when your family are your friends too. Looking forward already to next year.

School Days...not your good old golden rule days

I am convinced that our schools are in total need of an overhaul. (I'm just say'n) Teachers are overloaded not only with ever changing standards but with student/teacher ratio. I've just recently returned to the "outside" world and by that I mean I'm no longer working in or at a school. However during my time in the schools my eyes were opened to just how flawed they seem to be.
Educators get so frustrated with children so quickly, children seem to be more frustrated vs. inspired by educators I have to wonder where the WIN is in all of this. For starters IN MY OPINION, class sizes are too large! It is difficult for teachers to: 1. get the classes attention, 2. keep the classes attention, 3. know their students needs, learning styles, etc... 4. they too have organizational issues ie: can't find the papers I've just graded, what did I do with today's assignment, I didn't get enough (or any) copies made, the papers are not YET graded. It's difficult for our students to: 1. not be distracted by the other 25 +/- people talking or moving about, 2. stay on top of all 7 different classes, assignment, test, quizzes, expectations, rules, etc...3. efficiently manage their time, 5-min., to - get to locker, switch out books, get necessities for next class, use the restroom and the one thing they're most focused on (because THEY'RE KIDS) talking to their friends.

For the most part the educators (adults) are only teaching 1 subject matter with a few exceptions yet I've witnesses many experience the same downfalls that their students do on a daily basis...the difference - no consequence. They've ran out of paper, assignments, pencils, chalk...they've been late to class, gotten off topic,...Lucky for them they're an adult, they're educated, they have the luxury to be disorganized, set their own time frame for returning works handed in, for recording grades. They can criticize the child, take a way a privilege, issue a "mark" and dock a grade all over one incident...& then repeat for the next incident.

Now I know human nature is to only talk about the "bad stuff" but it concerns me when dialogue with my children (& other children) only brings up the negative. And I do ask for the positives...especially with my own kids...unfortunately those positive reinforcements have been (IMO) issued sparingly. So, assuming it perhaps was a problem with my own, I asked if anyone was lauded for anything...and generally, typically the answer is "no". How disappointing.

Now here is where I wish I could say the kids, my own included are off base. But also being an adult, somewhat educated (although NOT a teacher, or counselor as it's been pointed out to me) I've witnessed what I will refer to as a double standard from our educational system & many educators (not all - so if you are exempt from any "offense" I've mentioned good for you - if not, well...you're probably offended...as am I). I want so badly to believe in our system - because it is in place, because it inspired me, because it has to work! Our children, their well being, education, self-esteem, character, minds are all being impacted, molded, and either built up or torn down. Seven, 7 hours a day - 5 days a week - that's 35 hours they're in a setting that should inspire, encourage, teach, explore, and build them up. As it is one teacher to 25 +/- kids in a classroom setting it at too great of risk for: failing or leaving a child behind...if not educationally then perhaps emotionally.

I am a parent who cares. I respect our educators and the task they've taken on. What I have trouble respecting is how the system has replaced heart, concern, relationships, with statistics. I don't like the trickle down effect that I see come from many of our educators because of the shift in focus. How nice would it be to have a child look forward to their 'work' day? To know that for the next 7hrs/5days they were going to become inspired. How awesome would it be if the ones doing the inspiring still had that fire in their belly to get to make a difference?

Times are changing, society & the educational system require from our children more & more. All the while wondering why, there's not time with family, (for all involved). We ask that the kids behave like little adults -as that's their job responsibility. We issue a consequence for not being prepared - if it's a good day only one consequence, if not be prepared to pay dearly...because NEXT time, should there be one you'll really get to pay...as the infraction will remain with you & follow you...building up and becoming a mountain too big to climb. (IMO - this is where the student gives up!).

I send in to the school meds. for my child to have as needed/when necessary; on the same token I buy my child school supplies for them to have as needed. The meds. are kept in the office where they will need to go to receive it...the school supplies are kept in the "gifted" locker, where they'll also need to go get it...HOWEVER, not w/o a consequence in most cases. I just don't get the logic.

I get preparedness, I get organization, I get deadlines & due dates, I get responsibility...what I don't get is in tolerance, double jeopardy. I know many adults who struggle with all the above...educators & non educators, I myself am one of them. I know the schools feel compelled to get them ready for the next step, for the next level, for the real world...but just how real are they being. In the real world organization for most is a work in progress, ever changing to the situation and individual. In the real world deadlines & due dates should be kept & often times must be kept...and as ADULTS we learn how to keep those - some better than others. But I feel certain nothing I was taught or experienced in a school setting paved the way for my successfully meeting said deadline/due date. Responsibility grows, changes, as does the way it is handed out in life. My responsibilities are different from yours. We want our children to be responsible citizens...how about modeling this character. You know what they say...a picture is worth a 1000 words. Let the children see what it is too be a good citizen...caring about others, lifting up, empowering...doing away with double standards. In the real world you can only be punished for a crime 1 time.

I'm sure I've struck a chord…hit the proverbial nerve, but I just needed to vent...to get it out there. These are our children...their classes are too large, our teachers are too burdened, our children are slipping away...My kids are lucky...their parents are here for them, they're involved, they care, they fight for them, they believe in a good education...but what about the ones who are not so lucky? Why is society so afraid to care...to allow others to care? to allow our educators to do what they were once inspired to do. 'Burnout' on the part of the educator isn't inspiring to anyone. Complacency on the part of a school system should not be tolerated. There's more to a good education than grades, test scores, statistics, & classroom results...perhaps it's the 'other stuff' that schools should do a self-evaluation on...or better yet allow the students to evaluate their setting, their education...issuing their own grade card if you will.

It's all just my opinion...
*IMO= in my opinion

One more thing...it's my rule that if I say something negative I must also say something positive...So here it goes. We do have good educators, caring ones! And I've spoken to many who have also shared their concern and disappointment. It is good to know that there are still some who get it. Who continue day in/out to lift up the children, to inspire them to some how reach those who've been deemed unreachable. (I've even had the privilege to work with some) It's good to know there are educators who too feel cheated by the system and daily try to do something about it. ...who don't give up or in for that matter. It's comforting to know that at some point through out my child’s day the cloud will drift away...they'll be engaged, challenged, encouraged...I suppose here is where one might say "some is better than none". I'm thankful for those who believe in our children. The job of an educator if often a thankless one...as they too are often just the "messenger" and have been put into a situation where they must follow their job as outlined by the administration, board, state & nation. If only all the political correctness could be left out of it.

Christmas list ....& who knows what else.

Dear Santa:  This year I do want some 'things' for Christmas.  I know, I know I'm 43...but this year there's no denying that I've got a few 'wants' on my list.

1. a pair of chocolate (or dark tan) short UGGS.  I know they're expensive & I'll risk looking like an idiot in them, but when my daughter wasn't around I tried on her pair and it was sheer heaven for my tootsies.  Oh, & a size 10 please.  
2. there's a fabulous newer version of my wonderful blanket that you brought me a few years ago, you know...the one you got from Target.  Well...I'd like to have that too please and in the dark chocolate. 
3. Also the blanket I liked from meijer - but I think my mom may be getting me that one. 
4. Perfume.  I've been out for over a year now.  I'll get to the nearest fragrance counter & do some sniffing to see what might appeal to my senses this year.  I don't want to repeat the same scent as in my opinion that can get very boring.
5. Since I got a Wii for my birthday I would like to have some accessories & games for it too.  You know so that I can share them with my family.  
6. Cable in my bedroom please.  I know you can't really bring this...but perhaps my husband will read this and realize how desperate I am to have it and will surprise me Christmas morning with the TODAY show right in my bedroom.  

For now I think that's everything.  

Tradition

Tradition...what has become of it? I grew up with many traditions or what I would've called traditions ie: lakes in the summer, Christmas, morning at home followed by the walk over to grandma & grandpa Stroups!, Easter with the baskets in the morning, photo on the front walk, eggs hidden in the back lawn, Christmas eve pajamas - the only gift allowed to be opened at that time, not to mention all of the holiday family meals with the Stroups, Cox's & Drapers. When I got married my husbands family also had many traditions that we incorporated into our life. These too were holiday based but charished none the less. And now....

Well, sadly tradition seems to be falling by the way side. Sadly, my children are not close to their cousins, aunts or uncles and barely know one of their grandparents. Family reunions ~ well they don't fit into our busy schedules ie: weekend @ lakes, cookout with friends, summer vacations. Even when those reunions are held the same time every year, just like the holidays. With the exception of Easter you can pretty much count on Christmas on 12/25, Thanksgiving on the 3rd Thurs in Nov., and the same can be said for the dates for memorial day, independance day & labor day. Unfortunately what cannot be counted on is everyone making an exception & keeping up traditions.

I fully understand the challenges presented when there is distance involved, marriages, children, etc...BUT (& it's a big one) I stand by the old saying "when there's a will there's a way". My beef is...I feel the "will" is gone for most.

So as I complain I will in turn look into the mirror and start with my own family. Our own traditions and with luck I will be given the opportunity & blessings to make a difference for my future generations. (I pray that the good Lord will keep me well enough to do so as I age!)

If you're reading this I hope you have family traditions that you can hold on to and continue to enjoy! If not, take time to start your own...It's what memories are made of.

same scenario, different situation. caring, inquiring...i really need to learn how to do those two things without being heard. without involving others. without anyone knowing. even conversations with myself get overheard. i don't like censorship. i like expression. i am not void of feeling. i care too much. judge me, criticize me, do whatever to me...in an attempt to change me...you will fail. someone much larger than you or i created me. He is still working on me. He is who i will allow to judge me. not you...for you are no better than i. with His help i will be the best i can be. and because of my devotion to Him, i will suffer here. so be it. i will continue to rejoice, reach out, love and build relationships.

the voice inside my head

We have 2 kittens. Now the story of how we came to have 2 kittens is one that has my husband puzzled, my kids excited and myslef - well let's just say when I hear a voice inside my head - I listen to it.

God spoke to Moses through the burning bush. I've always wished he'd talk back to me when I speak to Him. You know more of a 2 way conversation sort of thing. Like the diagram when learn, memorize & label in speech class. Then there are those Sunday morning sermons where the pastor asks the question "Have you heard God's voice?" "have you heard Him speaking to you?" I never really heard anyone from my congregation answer that question one way or the other!

I think I have. And that excites me but also concerns me too. What if I don't ever hear it again?! What if I misunderstand it?! What if I don't recognize it?! What if my husband is right & I'm a nut job?! lol

Back to the point...I feel certain God IS talking to us - me any way - and about all kinds of things from something a simple as "if you see a sign for free kittens - get them" to "I want you to work for ME!" That last one stumped me. Mid service a year ago I told my husband I wanted to work at our church. I felt like that where I should be. His response came with a slight chuckle and the question: "doing what?" I had no idea.

Late this summer I interviewed for an opportunity to work at our church's new preschool - that opportunity came & went and I was totally fine with that. Actually felt like I wasn't barking up the right tree during the whole process. THEN in a random conversation with a lady I truly admire another opportunity within the church presented itself. I thought about it, prayed about it and here we are today. I am the new Kids Hope Director for Mt. Olive UMC. woo hoo!

This new adventure is interesting to me in so many ways.

1. I feel like it's Gods plan that I do this! :)
2. I left a position because I was told to NOT build relationships with children
3. Kids Hope is all about the mentor/mentee relationship
4. My new adventure has HOPE!
   
5. I think I might have successfully listened again! (a rare occasion!)

So, perhaps the conversations don't follow the flow chart model, are somewhat unconventional by our standards but the thing I think we must remember is that it's not by OUR standards we should be living this life. It's by HIS!

Here's to the little voices inside your head! May they provide you the peace you long for.

*side note: my cats baby & tally unlike our cats from the past have been with our family for 6 years now. they've never ran away and have been unconditionally faithful & loving to our family even when we were not so to them. (ie: running out of food, being displaced when the dog came into the picture, being left behind when we went away etc...) They remind me of Gods love for me. daily i am reminded at times with a simple "meow" that He is with me, loving, listening and yes at times talking, to me.

Have Grain Truck will haul stuff...lol

So, as I was working last night like the nights before my family came in for some good eats. As usual they sat at the 1st table near the register so we all could have converstaions with each other. (it was during breaks they were there and we were slow) As I handed Andy his meal he offers up this bit of information "Oh, by the way...I bought a grain truck" and with nothing else said he proceeded to dig in to his rib sandwich.

Hummm...a grain truck. We live in TOWN, we own 3 vehicles, 3 4-wheelers, numerous bikes, have a 2 car garage that is unable to fit a car in it and now we are the proud owners of a grain truck.

"Why?" I asked. To which he replied "to haul stuff". (silly me) So, if you need anything hauled - Andy's your man. He has a GRAIN TRUCK!

Interestingly enough the boys (18yrs. old) thought this to be a perfectly normal purchase. Evidently there's a male gene that generates an urge for big trucks, grain or otherwise because I've NEVER heard tell of a woman seeking & finding & purchasing a grain truck. Did I mention we don't grow nor have ever needed to haul grain. Did I mention we do own a pick up truck and have used it to haul "stuff".

Anyway, It's things like this that make me chuckle and leave me dumbfounded, bewildered and confused, amused all at the same time.

I wonder...what would he say if I came home with ....I don't even know, I can't imagine what I'd purchase without running it past him first. Perhaps it's payback for the 2 free kittens I pick up 6 years ago. Who knows? Regardless...I love him...Grain Truck & all!

Just some thoughts

Just got home early Wednesday morning from Kids Hope USA training in Boulder, Co. The training was awesome and inspiring. I hope I can do the program justice.

I grew up always thinking i wanted to live in Boulder, CO. Of course my only exposure to it was from the opening credits of the Mork & Mindy show. But, it was awe inspiring enough to make me want to leave home. I have to say...it didn't disappoint! Beautiful mountains in every direction and even though the temperature was comfortable on the ground and there was no precipitation, I could look up and just about any direction and see a snow capped mountain! Absolutely beautiful. I am looking forward to a return to the area someday!

Airports ~ I like them. I like watching all the people and wondering who they are, where they're going, what's their story. There are so many stories to be told.

I did witness something a bit disturbing though. So many things can be viewed as "complicated" even for able bodied people. In front of me was an older lady in her 60's-70's traveling with another woman. Together the two of them were trying to navigate the airport with all it's policies and technologies not to mention all the while trying to keep track of their bags and each other. Sadly on 2 occasions they were spoken to as though they were complete idiots. As questions continued to be asked and answers processed it became clear to me that one of the ladies was afflicted with a mental handicap ~ despite her appearance. Ever changing - life had to be difficult for this woman and unfortunately it is sad that she was spoken down to.

Food - I think I've developed an obsession or passion for it. I'm not sure which. All I know is I appreciate good tasting food. An avid fan of the food channel and shows that feature anything food related I've came to a conclusion that appearance really doesn't matter. It has to be about the taste. Yes, taste my friends is subjective so...Here's to good tasting food!

Coke - It's my favorite beverage. Over the course of my 43 years I've tried other beverages but time and time again I am convinced that the Coke company has the BEST recipe for a refreshing beverage. Coke...not diet, not pepsi, not mt. dew, not root beer, not dr. pepper...COKE! it refreshes, it helps move the gases along and ultimately satisfies the thirst! It is the pause that refreshes - the REAL THING!

Relationships ~ Folks, we're called by our Heavenly Father to enter into them. I would like to challenge all of you to do just that. And don't keep it safe. Seek out and enter into a relationship that might take you out of your comfort zone. Who know's what might come from it. God knows and with Him all things are good. Now go & bond! :)

Final thought...Kids are kids, teenagers are teens...remember that when you're trying to figure out their words, motives, actions, & thoughts. You were one once (or perhaps you still are). The brain is still growing, developing & maturing at least until the age of 28. Enjoy them, enbrace them, empower them...just let them be themselves.

Life lessons can be interesting to say the very least. I've had many in my 43 years. Sometimes I think the greater lesson is not always the most obvious one. People for instance are a lesson all their own. With so many personalities, opinions, beliefs, and motivations you can never be too sure about what you'll be dealing with. I sure hope I am not like that. I am sure I am to some extent but I sure do hope it is a very minute part of the make up of me. I hope it's not a defining personality trait.
Ok, that's now out of the way.

Kids ~ you've got to love them. And as any parent can attest sometimes it's much easier than others. I have thoroughly enjoyed every avenue of this growing up stuff. It's been so awesome to see my kids grow, mature (still room for more ;) ) and experience life. I so hope I'm doing a good job. Kathryn is even more beautiful today than I could ever imagine. And Matthew, he's not only handsome but a very insightful young man. Both continue to amaze me. I totally have to give God all the glory! I'm so thankful for my church, church family and the people He has brought into our lives. We are a very blessed bunch. GOD IS GOOD!

So, yeah...just my thoughts for the day. Here's to hoping you take a moment to reflect on who God has put in your path and be thankful for them. (the good, bad & ugly ~ jk )

Happy New Year!

I've said this before i'm sure...but I really believe that the "new year" begins in June. So many things come to an end in the month of May and June rolls in so many new things. At least this is how it is in my life. May, the end of: school year, dance, graduations etc... June, the beginning of: summer!, summer leagues, festivals, and for many 'happily ever afters'.

Today i attended 3 open house events for 2009 graduates. I could not help but think about all the opportunities that are in front of them. All 3 have decided to pursue college for the next 4 years and I wish them all the best of luck. They are all amazing young adults and I believe they'll make things happen!

Last night marked the end of another dance year for my daughter. It was a tough one. She started out strong & encouraged and then just seemed to encounter stumbling block after stumbling block. After a 3 month hiatus, she returned to dance and was able to be back on stage doing what she obviously love to do. She's a beautiful dancer, if only she knew that!

This summer could not have arrived soon enough for my family. We've never needed such a break from all that takes place august-may! It's truly a new beginning for all of us. As we get started on our 'new year' I hope we take with us the lessons learned over the course of last year and build on them. We all have room for improvement. God is not done with us yet, as we are still finding our talents.

So, here is to a NEW YEAR! May it be a happy one. May it be our year of jubilee.

flood gates

Expect the unexpected...wow! Thank you to those of you who have offered up words of gratitude, support, encouragement and opportunity. I don't know that I can ever express how much it means. God is Good, ALL THE TIME!

This week has unleashed a flood gate of tears and hope. Friends near & dear and even just acquaintances have added so much to my life and it's never been more apparent to me than this week. I'm truly humbled and blessed. I feel the prayers and know they are at work. Thank you Thank you.

The gates are open and I'm sure the waters will take me exactly where I need to be. I'm excited. Not just for the opportunity, but for the new people I'm sure to meet along the way. The new relationships that will be made.

To my friends, thanks for your friendships. I just hope I'm as good a friend to each of you as you've been to me.

turn, turn, turn...

So it goes... Life, if we're lucky a new day hands us endless opportunities. New beginnings and reflections of the past. Recently I heard Joel Olsteen present his sermon and he recited an old yet familiar saying:

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I was unaware this was actually a bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1. Any way, this verse resonated over and over in my head recently and I could not understand why? It was a little voice inside my head if you will. However in my opinion it was God's voice and how lucky I feel that I was able to hear it. Now, weather or not I reacted according to His plan I don't know, but I think I did. I sense the calm and peace that comes with trusting in Him and that is AWESOME!

I find it ironic that we're approaching a new season, summer and the end of what has been my 'job' for the last 4 years. I'm finding new strength, new inspiration, motivation and courage that I never knew I had. I'm thankful for that. I don't think it's okay to always turn the other cheek, to look the other way, or to pretend things are anyway other than how they actually are.

I was told one time to not "speak on emotion" and it was suggested that there was no room for emotion in my situation. I don't want to imagine a life with out emotion. But it clarified for me the life others choose to live. It's just not for me. (there's a blessing there)

I am who I am. My kids tease and my husband laughs because I shed tears so easily. It's not an imbalance...it's just my way of continually being happy for successes, happy endings, etc... It's being awe inspired by my surroundings. Seriously...it's the little things that if you look closely will surely put a smile on your face.

So, to this turn, turn, turn of events, changes that are bound to take place I look forward to the new and even more awesome opportunities that await. Smile people, feel something today! let your heart come alive with the promise that today holds.