mothers day was like that for me. it was weird from start to finish with a bit of good in the midst of it all. it was a restless night preceding the day. kat wasn't at home rather with a friend and would be joining us for church. matt wasn't feeling well so i gave him some meds and let him sleep. and my in-laws joined us for services. it was nice to have them join us. none-the-less the morning just seemed 'off'. church was followed by lunch at olive garden. it'll probably be the last time i request that as i'm pretty much the only one who enjoys it. truly enjoys it. so although the meal was great to me i feel i can safely say the rest of the family would've preferred any other location. next it was onto best buy where i was to select my md gift. we left with nothing and i just ordered what i wanted on-line. i feel theres a hidden message there, when one has to order their own md present. and that was the end of the md celebration.
next it was off to menards for additional items for amboy. siding and carpet so that that place can get completed. (ha!) and then home. kat had to work. matt immediately took to video gaming. i laid down. andy left for amboy.
something just seemed off.
i had thoughts of friends whom i wanted to wish a happy md to. jill, heather n, heather k, anne, ida, jess, letha, rhonda. i had family i also wanted to share the sentiment with, kim, julia, jamie. some i got too others i did not.
something just seemed off.
i had mentioned i wanted to go to fairmount that day. i wasn't sure what i wanted to do but wanted to put something at moms grave. i didn't.
something just seemed off.
it was mothers day.
i was with out one.
that's what seemed off.
and then the day came to an abrupt end. harsh words were spoken. no apologies uttered. and md was over.
i laid in bed feeling more alone than i can ever remember feeling. longing to feel.
i've concluded i'm not a fan of md. and i have opted to no longer participate. my mother has passed. i remember her daily and smile and cry and get frustrated depending on the memory. i enjoyed picking her gift out and resented selecting mine. i enjoyed taking her out where ever it was easiest for her to go and swallowed each bite feeling guilty for having forced my selection on my own family. in the past i enjoyed seeing her smile and get joy just from being together and out of the house. yet this year sat thinking of the time that was being wasted and work that wasn't getting done on the house.
the "oh yeah, btw....happy md" seemed less like a sentiment and more like requirement. however the phone call and it's "i love you & happy mothers day" was certainly a bright spot.
i must do some self examination. for if i am being treated the way i treat others i've have a lot of room for improvement.
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