family

Family...interesting concept that can bring about many thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings. They can be funny, fun, loving, caring, irritating, hateful, mean and sometimes completely unlikeable yet because of individual decisions to form a union, procreate etc...they become yours. I remember at an early age having one side that I preferred over the other. I remember feeling bad that I didn't click, for whatever the reason with the other side. I also remember feeling as though my parents just didn't click, fit well together if you will at an early age. I felt bad for that too. I remember being very observant of other families, husbands & wives, and they way they interacted with one another. I've always had an interest in how families celebrated holidays, birthdays, always curious as to what there traditions were. Don't get me wrong, we had celebrations and traditions, we took many family vacations and for the most part were pretty typical. (i think) But for some reason I often felt there was something missing.

I come from a Cox, Stroup, McCune or McCone (not sure), and Draper mix. I grew up in very close proximity to the Cox's and the Stroups. These families were from my mom's side. There were many of them as both my grandparents, Ike & None were from big families. We had summertime reunions, Christmastime celebrations and there was always a ton of people & cousins of all ages everywhere. I remember these gatherings as good times. My dad's side is comprised of the other two. I'm not sure why, but it didn't seem like they ever got together much. The celebrations seemed few and far between. Sadly I remember feeling as though I HAD to go to the Christmas dinner or the Thanksgiving dinner. I never understood why I felt this way and remember getting in trouble for feeling as such year in and year out. I would often get told to "get over myself" and that "I wasn't too good to go there". Interestingly enough I don't ever remember feeling or thinking that...I just didn't feel like I belonged. And the bigger twist...I was an all out Daddy's girl, hands down. I didn't much care for my mom at all.

I can't tell you a fond memory of my "Grandma Draper" however I can tell you two things I do remember, she made awesome sorgum cookies and she arranged a meeting place for my dad to meet up with my mom's best friend...they are now married. I remember answering the phone and getting the message of her passing and feeling like I should feel something. I did not. I also don't have many memories of my "Grandpa Draper". But what I do remember was that he was a big man who like to play checkers - I think he taught me how and he would always put me on his knee. That's it. It seems like something is missing huh? Why do we connect the way we do? Why is it so easy with some and so hard with others? I guess I thought just being "Family" would've been enough to eliminate and break down any barriers. Perhaps in a perfect world.

My dad lost his sister Mary Jane this last week. I feel very sorry for him. But I'm sure he'll never know or believe that. He lives in Florida and was unable to travel home to the services so I'm sure that will forever be a regret. I only know this because my brother told me. My dad & I don't really talk much anymore. Neither of us picked up the phone to tell the other of the passing or have a conversations about it. Just one more thing that will undoubtedly go unspoken. Obviously I'm not so much a daddy's girl anymore. Funny how things change. I've had friends come & go, boyfriends come & go...but I never thought relationships with parents should, would or could ever come & go. I was wrong. I didn't want it to go, but don't begin to know how to EVER get it back. That's the power of time & unspoken words! I love my daddy. I just don't seem to know him very well anymore. When ever my family would visit him I would often try to engage his memory of times we had when I was little. (all the while trying to be respectful to his new wife...who also knew of the memories as she was often there...she was however my moms best friend.) I would bring up anything I could hoping he would also share the memory. I don't recall having much success. And with every miss the void of not having my "dad" grew greater. Aside from the fact that a girl never stops needing or wanting her daddy, I had hopes that he wouldn't be the grandparent that didn't show up in memories. He tells me when we do talk to tell the kids he loves them. I just wish he'd tell them and talk to them himself. Instead history is repeating itself. This makes me sad.

My family (extended) has experienced the loss of 3 people this past week. Death can bring about so many emotions. I found it interesting how I reacted to each loss. (obviously it got me thinking) I was first told by my mother about the loss of my dad's sister, Mary Jane. When mom called she said "kelly, Mary Jane died". I responded with a genuine "who?". She further explained it was my Aunt. "Oh." I had nothing. Felt nothing. Felt bad for not feeling something. Then I found a feeling and it was sadness for those who did love her. But none for myself. And I had known her since birth.

The following day I received word that Andy's cousin (mine by marriage) had passed away, Dr. Neal Van Ness. Devastated, that's the emotion I had with this news. Neal had become a friend, was my Dr. when I hurt my knee & had to have surgery, we shared laughs until we cried. He was accepting of me as a new family member and happy for Andy & I and loved, knew and would always ask about the kids. He was a great brother to his sisters, and husband to Pam. I knew this about him. Although just a cousin by marriage I was gonna miss him a lot.

Last night while waiting tables I learned of the passing of Dick Matchette. I felt so sad for Linda & Patty - they loved their Daddy. I love that they still called him "Daddy". The fact they referred to him as that always seem to stand out to me. DADDY I don't thing a child can refer to their father in a more loving way.

I used to call my dad "daddy". Ha! I've even used it on him recently in hopes of stirring an emotion. ...A girl can hope.

With Divorces the family dynamic is forever changing as with the passing of loved ones. Again the decisions of 2 can have such a powerful affect on so many.

Family and their traditions can be so important on each generation. The traditions on my side seem to be dwindling as do those on my husbands. I don't want them too. It's not a change that I think is good.

I hope and pray that the cycle of distant grand parenting can stop with me. I can't go back, erase time, or change the way things in my life have played out. BUT I can, each day choose MY FAMILY...MY HUSBAND, MY DAUGHTER, MY SON. I choose to fall in love again daily with my husband. I choose to be there for the laughter, tears, joys, sorrow's and all that life hands my children. I'm choosing to go through all of this with them every day that God blesses me with them. I'm choosing them. I want them to know that.

Sometimes when the kids get mad at me I tell them to take it up with God because he gave them to me, so therefore He knew what He was doing, what they needed and that's why they got me... (haha) Well, with that in mind the same is true for myself. Ramona Stroup & James Draper is what I was given. I love my parents the best I know how. It's a love that is ever changing. It's unconditional. Sometimes it's a strong emotion other times it's an emotion that seems buried down deep. But know matter the depth I can still feel it. Someday they to shall pass. I anticipate the passing of my mother to be a difficult one to handle. I'll find comfort in that fact that for the first time in my life I will be able to say "she's no longer in pain". But, she'll also no longer be a phone call away or a short drive to Fairmount. Whit her passing will go my childhood home and many many memories. A few years ago I knew my dad had been ill & I was so scared and concerned I flew to Florida to spend sometime with him. I asked him about plans/things "when" the time came. Sadly I was told to not worry about it. He explained to me that his step-daughter had all the information. He lives near her now and she can handle everything. Done & Done. I guess I just wait for the phone call. I don't know what I'll miss. It scares me that I'll miss nothing.

What I have are memories of being a daddy's girl. I'll treasure those. I have memories of not liking (yet loving) my mother and over time finding a friend in her. I had 4 grandparents 2 I knew for fact loved me more than anything. I only had aunts and uncles on my dad's side. Jack I never knew well, Dick was ornery & always funny, Ann was a great cook, and Mary Jane did hair. I don't remember much more. Cousins...a ton! especially on my moms side. We always had fun when we were kids. I don't see them much now.

Here's to the memories.