Sometimes I feel really angry & resentful. I don't like this feeling...all the while I can't deny that I have it. Seven years is the difference between my brother & I. That said I'm sure there are a lot of things that "really" happened during that time that I didn't see, understand or had a completely different interpretation of. Regardless it's my memories that have shaped my outlook.

The facts as I see them: *Eric = mommas boy *me=daddy's girl *Eric= no wrong in the sight of the mom & not quite what dad had expected (according to mom) *me= i took & took & took from the family, twirling, dance, gymnastics, camp, designer clothes, etc... *Eric= incredible singer & performer *me= obligatory dance recital at the end of the year...(great time to catch a few zzzzz's) Many "happy" fronts, many overheard arguments, many guilt trips, & IT never being good enough. (you can fill the "it" it with what ever you like...it's applicable) Always work to be done. Everyone else is out of the way. Time outs, in the corner, paddling w. butter paddle, belt, switches, hand, wooden spoon, rubber spatula, ...I think I've got them all. OH, & reminded..."I never wanted a girl"

I liked my Grandma & Grandpa Stroup, my brother & my dad.

This is life as I recall from my earliest memory until age 15.

Cheating, lying, Divorce, being used by one parent, being thrown away by the other. I did my own thing...for many reasons: to hurt others, for attention, to escape & try to find a life of my own that I liked. Desperately in search of NOT becoming THEM!

>>Late 20's & on...: Married (2nd time), 2 beautiful blessings! In laws from heaven. Time to make my own. More mature and seeing repair needed to be done I've made attempts at mending (as best as I can) relationships with my parents. I give myself & the end result a D. I have a Dad who has checked out. He doesn't want the bother of "wanting" children, grandchildren. He doesn't want them present longer than he deems tolerable. (last visit at my house was 17 min. from the time he sat in recliner to the time he walked out the back door...but who's counting) Phone calls are a minimal expense, e-mails are free, as are "chats", comments etc... on Facebook. What they do cost is time & effort. A prime example of "silence is golden" ...Message received. I'm hurt, mad, angry, and I don't like feeling this way. My mom is in horrible condition. 8 surgeries on her hip, arthritis, fibermyalgia, and anything else you can think of. She's alone...no brothers & sisters, no parents, no spouse. She'd do anything for anyone....just be willing to pay the piper. I hate she's alone. I hate it that she alienates people because she likes people & she needs them. I hate it that she won't be reasonable & take steps to help her self & her living & physical conditions. I hate it that she won't listen. I'm angry that I need her too and she can't help me. I'm angry that what I've got to do doesn't matter. I'm angry that I'm the bad one (again) because I don't/won't STOP my life to full fill her's. I'm angry that I feel so hateful about it ALL! She's my mom & I shouldn't. He's my dad & I shouldn't. But it's getting harder & harder to disguise, to suppress, to deny. Yet honesty other than the way it "should" be will only get me banned. Labeled the mean one.

It's 4 days until Christmas . I've not 1 decoration up. My house is a mess. I have to take my kids to my moms because SHE wants to make cookies & goodies. However not with them....with me. I have to finish her shopping. And she's asked me to stay longer when I come to pick them up so she can get some more of the things she wants done...done. Now I'm down to 3 days before Christmas. Did I mention my husband has an overnight for the next 2 days for his job? I still have to finish my shopping, wrap the gifts, clean my house, decorate some (it's Christmas!) and with any luck enjoy time with MY kids doing things like making our own goodies.

I've tried to justify the ends/means of it all. With analogies like "I took & took as a child therefore it's my turn to give & give & give". But the reality of it is I was a child. Like my own children who are in activities they can ask to participate but it doesn't mean they have to. And there are times (many) they don't. I am the parent & I make the decision. So if I was bossy or demanding as a child perhaps someone should've parented a bit more & just said "NO". I would've survived.

I feel resentful for not having parents that can be involved. That want to be involved. I feel cheated. I have one that could & doesn't & one that can't and would. Funny huh?! At times I think I'm being punished. But that's not how God works. I've got to be honest...(as this is what this is about)...I'm not sure how God is working in this one. I feel so many things that I know would only hurt Him. I feel these things and yet I don't feel like I'm being "me" at all.

I want my life. At times I feel like I'm living a double one. & Frankly I'm sick & tired of the "one" that I didn't choose. 43 years tired of that one! It's filtrated itself into my chosen life. The one I've created with my husband & kids. It's not healthy...never has been. I can't fix it...never could. But it's there & It's not going away. A part of it is alone & needy...needing ONLY what she wants. I can't give it, don't want to, don't have it in me to give...I'm empty, mean & angry...I become someone I don't know, or like.

God help me...all of me to be pleasing to You.