life...

The key to living happily ever after is to ....Live.

I can't remember a time as an adult when I didn't wish my mom could just live.

As individuals we all have our own definition of what living is.  But as she lays, sedated in CCU it saddens me to think perhaps she never fully lived.  She enjoyed travel and when I was a child we traveled often.  She loved her parents endlessly so much so she never really left their side.  But as her life continued changes occurred that required her to also change if she wanted to continue to "live".....sadly few changes took place.  Her new life, in order to be lived would require a complete change of course or so it seemed.....to me anyway.

After visits with mom I would often be so frustrated because I always felt like there was more she could do.  Perhaps not physically but I always felt there were choices that she could make that would've allowed her to "live".  For as she was going about her life within the walls of her home friends, neighbors, family & a world were living out side of her house.

One never knows how they might react to life changing situations.  Divorce, losing best friends, children moving out, the passing of parents, loss of job due to disabilities....so many things of this life can force our hand and cause us to have to change course.  I viewed such instances as God saying...'I have a different path for you...'  I don't know if that's truly the case but it's what get's me through.

For 12 days my mom has been in a hospital bed.  for 10 of those days she's not been "living" if you will.  Don't get me wrong ...her vitals are good, no signs of infection, heart is strong....but she's heavily sedated, kidneys are not at all doing their job, gout has taken over her body, tubes are running through her and over the course of a week I've been unable to hear the sound of her voice.  But I know she can hear mine.

I've prayed to God as have many of my friends.  I've felt His spirit as I've stood by her bedside and I know His plan is perfect.

I want my mom to live.  Who doesn't right?  But I want my mom to live life happily ever after.  A life without depression, gout, painful joints.  I want my mom to feel joy, love, laughter.  To lay her head down at night with a sigh of exhaustion from having experienced so many of Gods blessings that day.  I've always wanted that for her....and now I have to wonder if it will (has) ever happen.

I'm at peace only because I know a great great God is in control and her life is written down.  But I selfishly pray that there's a chapter left that will allow me to hear her laughter, loving words, and just let us talk again....in this life.