you wouldn't believe all the things that go through your mind when you lose someone you love.  at the forefront of mine has been the realization that i am without a parent in this life.  i'm not quite sure what to make of that really. 

8/11 my mom passed away.  i never really thought about losing her.  i knew complete healing would only really come when she passed from this life to the next but it really isn't something you plan on.  we had some 'time' if you will to contemplate her passing.  and she, from the conversations she had with others and what they have shared with us, had a feeling or premonition she would be going to her eternal home.  with my mom gone from this life i understand a bit more what to do with my feelings and emotions.  we loved each other, over came rough spots, she never gave up or walked away, and refused to leave from her corner of the world until she was ready to do so.  her phone number was always the same, 948-5563 as well as her address.  there's so much comfort in that, knowing where you parent is and how to get a hold of them.  there's so much comfort in knowing no matter what this life dealt that mom was always there.  approving or not, proud or disappointed, there was one emotion she never wavered on .....and that was love.  i knew, with out a doubt that my mom loved me.  she never spoke to me for what she didn't tell me.  she craved time with me and my family.  she couldn't get enough of us.  there's something to be said for that.

feb/mar 2010 - this is a guesstimate of the last time i spoke with my dad.  i called him.  my dad has 2 biological kids and 4 steps.  he lives in florida.  it is his sunday evening routine to call the kids.  well, so i've been told.  my brother receives his calls.  and after confirming so, i decided to call my dad to check in with him, update him on goings on in my life, tell him about his grandchildren, etc....  i was then able to see my dad in person in june of that same year at my nephews graduation.  he didn't acknowledge me.  or his grandkids...my children. 
this time i was the dead one.
the week after fathers day i mailed my dad a fathers day card.  i held on to it with the hope of delivering it in person as he spent most of the month of june in indiana.  he celebrated fathers day with my brother, his family and 2 of his steps & their families.  i wasn't included.  he left the next day, monday.  tuesday i dropped his card in the mail with a letter.  i had spent some time penning that letter.  adding and deleting, reading and rereading to make sure it said just exactly what i needed to day.  i suppose i could've called.  but like my father, i chose not to.  i stated in that letter disappointment in what our relationship had become, sadness that i felt due to feeling the loss of a dad, love that i'll always have for him and our memories together and hope for his happiness, and perhaps most importantly forgivness to him with regard to his decision to simply walk away.  his journey away from my life began when i was 16 years old.

7/2010 - i'm guessing is when i lost my dad. 
9/4/2011 - he told my brother to tell me he loved me.  .....i'm not sure what to do with that.


oh how i miss my mom! and her never wavering love.