11/29/11

Playing a little catch up if you will....

Well, the 1st of the holidays without mom is under my belt.  And it was weird.  The company was good, as it always is but the spirit of it was amiss.  Truth be told, it's as though my spirit is amiss too.  Something just doesn't seem right, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I will say this Thanksgiving my blessing were more apparent than ever.  I had a loving mom for 45 years.  I have my health.  I have a loving husband.  I have 2 healthy children.  I have a wonderful family and family of in-laws.  We have a home(s) haha.  I am in NEED of nothing.  I have felt the presence of God on more than one occasion.

So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for, and I am, yet there is a void~one left when my momma could no longer hold me in her arms.  It's as simple and as complex as that.  weird.

I can't imagine Christmas as it was her favorite.

With that, it has been a season of firsts.  First time I've not seen the Rocketts perform, first time without mom, first time since married that Andy & I haven't black Friday shopped, first time Kate had a surgical procedure and as I'm typing this outside is blanketed with the first significant snowfall of this fall/winter season.

And yes, i picked up the phone and began to dial Mom to ask her if it was snowing in Fairmount.  (i'll assume it was)  That may sound funny to some but the weather systems for Fairmount and Swayzee are never the same.  We would always get a kick out of that. 

I'm going through the paces all the while I feel as though my family is getting the short end of the stick.  And they are.  They feel it too for they've told me so.  I hate that and am trying to figure out how to change that. 

This for sure is uncharted territory for me which also seems weird because 99.9% of all the other people in my life are still here. 

Some have said i've not yet grieved.  I don't know if I have or not.  What does that look like?  How long does that last?  Does it ever end, subside?  I don't know I can be convinced that I have or have not or if I even know how to.  I've always just....gone on no matter the situation or circumstance. 

Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be alone.  Alone with my thoughts.  Alone with me.  quiet.  Alone with God.  I don't think it's a "depression" thing but rather I feel as though it's perhaps the one thing I do NEED. 

Mom never liked being alone, and now it's the one thing I feel I need the most. 

My wind chimes are chiming...that's her, I just know it.