Oil & Water

How is it possible that early on in life a person, a child can feel a complete disconnect from a group of people? Is it possible? Or is it a manifestation of a child being stubborn and refusing to 'get along' with others? This has been something I've tossed about in my mind for years! As long as I can remember actually. For this child I'm talking about is me, yours truly.

My earliest memory of some people in my life is that my relationship with them wasn't warm and fuzzy as it probably should've been. I'm talking a grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins....family. I just wasn't fond of them as my family and/or society for that matter would dictate I should be. I recall many fits on my part when I'd have to interact with some of these people. I faked sickness so that I could stay home and avoid gatherings. I gladly took punishment for being rude, mean, and unkind. I totally knew better, but I just couldn't shake what I was feeling. It was a feeling too great to deny.

I felt alone in my feelings. I would watch my brother who's 7 years older than me interact with those who I found less than desirable, looking all the while for a clue. Some sort of clue that would allow me to justify my feelings. I don't know that I ever received it...at least not definitively.

Is it possible that a kid can be so intuitive? I believe I've commented before in a blog that I'm a person who tends to take notice. I listen, observe and more times than not draw a conclusion. And I've done this from quite an early age. I feel comfortable with that. I trust those feelings. And then when I take into account comments overheard regarding me as a child I've became reassured in what I felt. But it didn't make it any easier.

Fast forward to age 16. When I learned of my grandmas involvement in my fathers extra-marital affair. Instinct.....CONFIRMED. Throughout the course of the divorce process, time and time again my instinctual feelings, or opinions as some would say, were validated. It wasn't at all a satisfying feeling rather more compounded sadness.

Fast forward to present day. And my take is this....it's weird. Only now in a different way.

I've ran into cousins many times while out and about and experience a flood of emotions. Some I've missed terribly. Hated that ways have parted, our children don't know one another etc.... I've ran into aunts and uncles.....only to be coolly acknowledged. And there have been those who've passed, who's funerals I missed only because I didn't want to upset anyone with my presence. That's been upsetting and still is today. You see, there was that one aunt who reached out, made me feel welcomed, apart and wanted to know me as an adult and my family. I never said goodbye to her. That's tough. And there are those who I'm left wondering why? Why we/I don't connect.

I'm 47 and haven't a clue. Still to this day I cannot put my finger on what it is that causes a gap. I wonder if they feel the same? I wonder if they give it any thought at all.

Some people, like oil & water just aren't meant to mesh, get along, enjoy one another. Perhaps that's our story. Just like not all family is blood, not all family relationships are easy and in some cases not possible. For some they're like oil and water.