#1 So many thoughts going on in my head. For years my mantra was if you think it, ok, if you say it be careful, but whatever you do DO NOT write it! I felt this way for many reasons but mostly because of a letter I had received from my dad when I was in college. I never destroyed the letter even though it destroyed a part of me. Rather I tucked it away, shamefully in a deep drawer in my bedroom and never referenced it again. When mom passed, it was one of the first things I looked for, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want anyone else to read it. The letter was never found and the built in drawers were torn out and removed....that was the end of that. Some time ago I had mentioned the letter to my brother who now lives in "moms" house and a day or so ago when we were talking he let me know he had found a photo copy of it in the old roll top desk. I was sick at hearing his words.Numb and sad.

"Just throw it away please" is all I could say.

And here I am blogging. Putting it in writing AND out there for whomever to see. Oddly enough it's become therapeutic to me. It clears my head and allows me to reflect.

#2 I used to know what her life was all about. Now, not so much. It's weird, and somewhat uncomfortable for me and I'm trying to understand. From being about the pink rag doll, American girl dolls, dance, cheer, youth group, and going to Purdue to ????? who knows what? I don't feel like I do. I know she wants to be a wife and mom and to work with children but I wonder if she wants it to the extent that she's willing to go through the processes to get there. Yes, the traditional route..... degree, married, children.... (ya know we want for our own what we were never able to achieve)

When going through a box of old stuff this weekend I found my old high school transcripts and my college transcript arrived in the mail. I reviewed them and was immediately disappointed in myself and although disappointed I couldn't wait to share them with my kids. Not to give them to "OK" to underachieve but to let them know I was far from exceptional, could have done SO much better and although all is well now, it wasn't always so. And I so do not want either to travel the roads I did in my 20's.

She turned 19 a week ago and I am trying to figure out my place. I find myself trying to figure her out, trying to understand where her head is. I find myself coming up empty more times than not. Our roles are changing I just pray that God will grant me the peace to be what/how/who I need to be for my girl as she continues to grow.

#3 What does one do with their own disappointment? Often I play the role of encourager. I'm the cheerleader, prayer warrior, the one with the extended hand to pick you up! And not very often do I think about, or dwell on the things in life that disappoint me. I give them to God....but lately I seem to keep taking a few of them back. Like a tickle in the back of my throat I can't seem to get rid of the lingering hurt that has come from some disappointing circumstances of late.

My eyes tear up, but the tears won't fall. My mind reels and won't rest. My patience feels as though they're waning and my smile ....not sure if it's real or fake at times. ....sigh.... It's in these moments that I really miss my mom. (mom's can handle anything right.....and I am one....) I could let it all out, share my tears, and always come away feeling better. Not "fixed" necessarily, but better, competent.

Well there...it's out there, in writing for all to see, read, for me I just need to focus on this:

Proverbs 3:5-12The Message (MSG)

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
    your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
    don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
    a father’s delight is behind all this.