last night my heart broke a little.  i inquired with my daughter if she planned to tryout for cheerleading for her senior year.  she responded with a "YES!"  followed by this "even if i don't make it, i'll have the entire time spent practicing and trying out to do what i really love one more time!"

her joy is missing at this point she's broken and i can't fix it.

so many thoughts today....

one about truth.  who to believe.  what to believe. it can really be so overwhelming.  i'm mean i don't care who you are you've fibbed a time or two.  for me the big flaw with that is not owning it and/or denying it.  that is one i have difficulty forgetting.

opinions.  man oh man do opinions frighten people.  now my question is why?  what are you afraid of.  i suppose i become frightened of an opinion when there's damning truth rolled up in it.  that's certainly a bummer.  or if perhaps its one that could be harmful to many.  but to be frightened just because it's different from my own...well, i just think that's ignorant.

opinions....and similar ones at that.  it intrigues and concerns me when many people i speak to share in an opinion and feel stuck all at the same time.  where i live there are many fine attributes but like most places, small communities especially, we're not without our faults.  (contrary to what some in public positions would have you believe) many echo the sentiment that the one thing that is so good and draws so many to us is also the one area that could use the most improvement and/or serves as the progenitor for what ails us.  and most concur exactly what positions propagate the issues.  yet what would appear to me to be quite close to a majority, who are directly affected, feel stuck, helpless and without appeasement.  sad if you ask me.  sad, sickening, frustrating....the list goes on.  it's truly a bitter pill.  one that after 12 years has a trickle down affect that sends young ones out, never to look back.  sad.

well the good news is my son is clueless about last night's events, therefore i'm hoping he'll attend the class and there will be no fall out.  the bad news is....i seriously doubt that will be the case.  sure hope i'm wrong.

i will say i'm more and more thankful every day that my heavenly Father doesn't operate on the same principle that most people do.  i will suffer for my sin, not my child.

and for the sake of what my child wants in the future i edit/delete my comments because people who i purposefully do not follow or allow to see my page want to comment on my statements.  really!

it's the choices we make in life that set us apart.
friendships dissolve into acquaintances.
it's a fact of life.

perhaps what makes the transition easier is knowing your being true to yourself.

it must be exhausting not being able to be honest, truthful and forthwith at all times.

perhaps the saddest part of the process is knowing those you've cared for and called friend are making choices that leaves them behind.

it can be a painful reality at any age.

time to move on.

well it's a new year and what a start.  2013!!!  i think i'm gonna like you.

i was asked while doing a bit of shopping today how my holidays were and my response was good & calm.  Calm!  can you imagine a calm Christmas season?  And of course that got me to thinking....

Thinking about how how God orchestrates things.  I think the calm of this season allowed me to be more focused on Him.  On his gift to us Jesus Christ.  And all of my 'gifts'.  And I did.  And I was humbled.  My home is full of memories and the ones I love the most.  My heart is equally full and I was able to reflect on the past and for the first time in perhaps forever recalled good times as opposed those times that were perhaps not so good.  The calm I've experienced had to come from the Lord for it's like nothing I've ever known.

I've been calm enough to see Him in action.  To recognized His good works and be reassured that He is in control and His timing is perfect.  That is so comforting.

In addition I'm so thankful for all that is happening for my husband and kids.  Andy has worked so hard every day of our 17 years together to make life better.  He's accomplished tasks I'm sure even he thought he never would and has had successes he probably never thought possible.  And now this!  This new place, his dream place is about to come to fruition.  Seriously tears of joy fell from my face as I praised Him for absolutely everything.  The lessons, the calm, His comfort.  I've been broken, and humbled and blessed.

It's gonna happen.  We're thankful and appreciative.  We're not lucky, we're very simply blessed.  For at the heart of all things in our life the one constant has been our God.  His mercy has been great.  I fully anticipate being a blubbering mess when all is said and done.

I don't know that I'll ever fully understand His amazing love for me...who's truly been a hot mess on many occasions in this life.  But I do know it's necessary for me to share His love with others and I will not stop doing so for as long as I am here.

Amazed by His grace.....

“If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” 
― Dave Ramsey

Having put into practice DR's methods for ridding ourselves of debt and over all improving our financial situation, I'm finding his famous quote (stated above) becoming true in more ways than one.

I'm thankful for the turn about, don't get me wrong.  I just wish other could have a similar experience.  It hasn't been easy and we're not quite debt free but we're certainly headed in the right direction.  I have to credit my hubby for all of this.  I don't care for money.  I don't pay attention to finances, he tries tirelessly to involve me and I just tell him...."i trust you!" and I do!  I'm better than I was but have a lot of room for improvement.  I see the turn about in our lives and I want that for so many others.  If only.  It's hard to get real when it comes to ones finances.  It's hard to realize what you actually have. (vs. what you really don't)  It's tough to discipline yourself to be DONE when the cash is gone.  But it can be done.

We are trying to 'live like no one else....', his methods are working for that I'm thankful.  But then when no one else seems to be living the same way, you can find yourself....well, feeling as though you're living alone on the trail.

Well as you can imagine, if you know me at all I'm so HAPPY winter has finally arrived.  I do enjoy it so!  It kicked off this year with a snow day!  Thus allowing for my kids to start their Christmas breaks a day early!  YAY!  Snow stuck around just enough to have bits of white for the holiday and then here we are the day after and SNOW SNOW SNOW!  South of Indy they're calling it a blizzard however that is certainly not the case here!  It's white, probably a couple of inches and it's pretty!  I would be absolutely thrilled if it would stay this way until spring!  (which i hate by the way)

This Christmas was ....FUN!  different in a way but very enjoyable.  Everything here was done by the 19th and since I refuse to stress over "stuff" I was able to really just enjoy the days that led up to Christmas!  Do to the shortened break from school, Kat & I didn't get our goodies made.  However, since old man winter arrived it looks like this week will be perfect for doing just that!

We celebrated our traditional Christmas Eve at Ed & Emma Jeans and this year Mark was home to join in!  We all did our readings and Matt led us in Joy to the World, kinda....Mark was a great help!  This year we swapped the tomato soup for my chicken & tortellini noodle soup.  Mark made his famous cheese ball and I made him some fudge!  Peanut butter fudge!  He loves it!  We enjoyed evening services at Ed & Emma Jeans church.  It was nice being with family.  We returned home to open the traditional Christmas Eve gift of pj's and then not too long after everyone turned in.

Christmas day was a success as far as the gift giving goes!  Matt asked for clothes and boy did he get them!  Kat submitted a list and received most all that was on it!  Both got a few surprises and they were a hit!  Afternoon was spent with my brother & his family!  We spruced up a wreath mom had made back in the day and placed it at her grave site.  We didn't put too much out with the warning of an impending blizzard and high winds but she had something.  I'll jazz her & grandma & grandpas sites this spring/summer & fall a bit more.

This coming Saturday all of Eric's family will be coming to my house!  woo hoo!  Although we're still a hot mess of idle remodeling...we will have a door for bathroom privacy installed and the dining room cleared of clutter!  (monumental task right there folks)  I love having everyone together!  Not sure how the others feel, but there will come a day when they enjoy it!  I know my kids certainly long for time with their cousins on both sides of the family.  Seriously there are times when you'd swear we lived STATES apart!  as opposed to just an hour or two.

Lots to look forward to as 2012 wraps up!  And knowing I'll be spending that time with family and friends just reaffirms how blessed I am.  I'm looking forward to 2013!  It's gonna be a big year for sure!  Kat will be a senior, applying for college, we should ACTUALLY BE MOVING! matt will have drivers ed!  WOW !!!!!  With every new day I'll surely be blessed with an adventure!

Praising God from who ALL blessings flow today & always!

God Bless you all friends.....

Friday 12/14/12 wasn't just another day.  Little lives were taken, families forever altered, a nation changed, possibly our world as well.  I avoided the media as much as possible, tuning in only long enough at the onset of the news to be informed of the horrific facts as they unfolded.  And then I prayed.  

Those of you who know me know that I tend to be pretty connected to my FB.  For days this was the only place I saw anything regarding the events of that day.  And then it happened what I knew would eventually come and what I had purposely tried to avoid.  A FB friend had shared a link with a news reporter who had asked "Where was God when the tragedy in Newtown happened?"  :/   I posted a status prompted by this question and stating that the question angered and saddened me at the same time.  

I get angered because inevitably it seems as though the media when in times of heart ache and tragedy want to question believers as to where their God was and/or why He would let such horrors occur.  This seems to be the only time the want to include God.  As though they see it as an opportunity to point out His limits, inabilities, or lack of Love.  In a sense mocking anyone who would believe in, be faithful to or be in a relationship with a being that would tolerate such heinous acts against innocent people.  I become saddened because of the ignorance of the individual who questions and the emitted ignorance thrust upon others.  I am saddened because their is an obvious lack of a relationship is God and His son, Jesus Christ.

My question would be less about 'where was God?', but rather 'where are you with God?'.  

My grandma and mom both would tell me whenever I opted to point the finger at someone else in the form of blame, that I needed to be aware I had 3 pointing back at myself.  This point of view serves as a reminder.  It reminds me that I have a role, some form of responsibility for things that occur.  As a believer my responsibility is to be constantly nurturing my relationship with God.  Seeking more of Him.  As a result of my beliefs and growing relationship, faithfulness blooms.  I know, faithfully that He will not forsake me.  He will get me through.  He will forgive when I disappoint.  He will love UNCONDITIONALLY.  

These children, their families, the community didn't deserve what happened to them.  But from the beginning of time good and evil have coexisted.  From the start we have choices.  How sad when evil prevails even for a moment.  With that said, how AWESOME that there will be a day that those families can be reunited. 

I get excited at the glory that God will receive as He is invited into lives, for hope, comfort, reassurance.  I get excited at the works He will orchestrate in the aftermath of this event.  I can do so based on my own experiences.  I am comforted knowing Jesus loves the little children and they are all welcome into His kingdom.  The comfort comes from where I am with God.  

Based on my relationship with Him my heart aches for the young man who acted out.  I ache for his family for they lost a brother, mother and are marred with the horrors he acted out.  Their family was just as innocent as those whose lives he took.  I can only hope prior to the taking of his own life he asked for forgiveness.  

So where are you with God?  He's eager to be with you.  

Psalm 94http://niv.scripturetext.com/psalms/94.htm

7:11

That's the hour that my mom passed away.  7:11 pm on 8/12.

I'm not really one to remember those sort of things but the number combination i found interesting....interesting from the moment she passed.  7:11, 8/12.

For those of you who have lost loved ones do you ever feel as though there are moments when they 'remind' you of their being.  A gentle reminder perhaps that they're still with you or watching over you or....loving you?  I've been fortunate to have a couple of instances where I've felt as though I was able to experience my moms love even now after she has passed.  Those moments came not too long after she had passed, however it's been sometime since anything like that has happened.

About 2 months ago while talking to God I told Him how much I missed mom.  I told Him that I wished I could experience her again like I had before.

And then this started happening....

9 out of 10 times when I check my iphone for the time it always seems to be 11 past the hour.  At first I chuckled at how odd it was that it seemed to be the case.  And then one day while driving I checked my phone for the time and sure enough...11 after the hour.  And then as though outta no where I was reminded that mom passed at 11 after.  Again and again this happened but not without a comforting assurance that this is my moms way of reminding me she's well and missing and loving me too.

It has happened twice today.  :)  Just when I need it.

well, it's been quite a while so i will start with a quick up to date synopsis of what's been happening with all of us.

Kat ended her cheering for the year as football season came to a quick end with a loss in the first sectional game.  Time off didn't last for long though as swim got underway almost immediately.  This is a new adventure for all of us!  Early morning practices, up to 3 meets a week and quality coaching!  She kicked off the season with an invitational at Norwell.  Oak Hill took second place just barely getting edged out by Jay County.  Kat swam in 3 events and did well.  Most importantly she didn't drown!  I think the thing that I enjoyed most about this meet was the time with my daughter on the ride home.  She was all smiles, ear to ear I tell you!  I asked her why the big smiles and she said 'Coach'!  He was complimentary and encouraging and she wasn't quite sure how to take it or what to think of it!  Next she commented how supportive her teammates were.  Everyone encouraged one another.  As the days passed and more practices were held and meets swam in the spring in her step, smile on her face and overall attitude have improved!  For a mom this is probably the most refreshing aspect and best reward for the time a child spends away from family and engaged in a sport.

Matt decided to swim as well.  YAY!  He doesn't say much but just the fact that there's never any hesitation on his part to get up at 5 a.m. to get to practice and his head isn't hung at the end of the day tells me all I need to know.  He's having a similar experience as Kat.  It'll be fun to see the apart of the same team and encouraging their friends as well as one another.  And I even heard him utter the words..."mom, I like school!"  Who would've thought. YaY!  I felt as thought this day would come.  What a difference a year makes. (and a building, & maturity)

Andy is doing well.  I don't know how he does half of what he does.  He works circles around me! No way could I ever begin to keep up!  Amboy is about 95% finished (or more) and we're still trusting in God and His timing for a buyer so we can move.  This has truly been a lesson in patience.

Me, well....I'm working at our churches preschool with some pretty amazing 2 year olds.  And doing what I enjoy the most, being a mom.  I've found myself more stingy lately with time fighting for time together with all 4 of us.  The kids are growing up and time is fleeting and although the future excites me I can't deny the panic that sets in knowing that sooner rather than later the day will come when I can't hug them daily at will.  eek!  I'm also trying to give my kids their space, especially my daughter. I'm so thankful and blessed she's such a good kid and not like me!  I was never too sure how I'd be as a parent and often said I didn't want kids.  It just goes to show ya that God knows what He's doing!  I thank Him endlessly for my two!  They're more than I ever thought I'd deserve.

Houses....well, Amboy is for sale!  Swayzee house is still on hold for remodeling (one thing at a time please) and we're under contract for our dream home.  Faithfully awaiting a buyer so we can move forward.

We just celebrated Thanksgiving.  It was the 2nd one without my mom.  I've been missing her a lot this week!  I thought of the phone call I would've gotten when we received our first snow, the phone call alerting me to the start of the Macy Parade and wishing me a happy Thanksgiving, the phone calls throughout the day Black Friday inquiring about our shopping experiences, crowds, buys and most importantly ...where are you going to eat!  On Saturday after the PU win v. iu, we stopped for supper and the kids talked nonstop about our family traditions.  And they too expressed how much they miss mamaw mo.  I know this put a smile on her face.  And I prayed she'd visit each of them that night.

So, that's us...all up to date and preparing for the holiday season!  Can't believe the year is coming to an end.  I'm looking forward to the month of December.  Family gatherings, Christmas parties, surprises for secret santas, and the over all spirit of the season.  December is such a hopeful month I think and a fine way to end a year.  Bring it on!  2013 I've got you in my sights!

ahhh October!

October has always been a month of changes.  Not only is God having his way with all of nature this seems to be the month He has set aside for big changes in my life as well.

I hope and pray this year will prove to be equally life changing, in a good way.

I believe 110% in Gods plan.  I love that I can fully rely on Him.  For it's His promise to never forsake us and to always be with us that I cling to for comfort.  I also believe that things don't just 'happen'.  I believe it's all a part of His plan.  I believe that He brings us to things, allows things to happen, both good and bad so that through it all we seek Him and in all we do, accomplish we give glory to Him.  All of these beliefs of mine are precisely why I believe we're to move.  To move into the house of our dreams.  I believe He as carefully and skillfully orchestrated all of this.  I believe that this will be the month that it all comes together.  That the change will occur.

We're about 1/2 way through the month, so there's still time.

I don't know when I've ever wanted anything so much...

Have you ever sinned?  Do you know someone who has?  Do you judge the sin?  Do you judge the sinner?  How about forgiveness?  How about acceptance?

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.  About the awesomeness of God to forgive us, the believer.  So many thoughts really.  A lot of heart ache for family, friends, acquaintances, who have experienced their own heart ache as a result of a sinful act.  Relationships have been shattered.  As I think about what they must be going through I also think about God and what He might be going through and how He would expect or want myself and others to act towards those who (like us) have sinned.  Kinda pondering the 'what now' of the aftermath of sin.

While pondering this, I was driving and listening to K-love I can't recall the specific song that came on but it was the song on the radio that reminded me that I am to love.  I am to show Gods love to others.  ...Period.  Our God forgives.  Our God forgets.  Our God repairs, restores and heals.  How awesome is that!

So what about those going through their days feeling broken, shattered.  I can't fix, or mend the brokenness.  But I can pray.

I can pray for those who are affected.  I can pray for those who have sinned.

If only we could forget!  We can't but God can.  Regardless we're called to Love one another (sins & all).  So I hope to remember that, and to give that to all for all are deserving.

just a thought

948-5563

hey, so i'm not convinced this really gets easier.  rather it feels more like time passes by more quickly.  i get the most frustrated when i'm driving and just want to call and talk to you.  you know i would always do that!  didn't always have anything of importance to say but you'd always answer and always listen.  but probably the most missed aspect of those calls is without fail you'd always tell me you loved me.

i don't know who to call now.  well, truth....there's no one else i want to call.

ugh

amboy is pretty done.  yay!  now for a buyer.  gah!  i'm trying so very hard to be faithful and patient with Gods timing.  kinda feel like i'm failing at times.  i/we so very much want to move...and the sooner the better!  if you've any in with the Big Guy see if you can pull some strings and move things along will ya! lol

well, i miss you mom.  miss you more than anyone will ever know.  feel free to visit again anytime, it's comforting and helps loads.  love you, and i'll talk to you later.

And she's off...

Well that was quick!  In a blink of an eye 16 years and 180 days have passed and the little one I was blessed with, held in my arms for as long as I could has taken to the roads!

What a milestone.  What excitement!  What a privilege.  What an adventure!

Leading up to this event there has been much anticipation, excitement, and angst.  I've gone over it time and time again in my head how it might all unfold.  From imagining how she'd perform on her driving test, visualizing her license picture (glad she snuck in a smile) and the expression on her face when (if) we'd be able to give her a vehicle.  It didn't all go quite as planned, she's not driving a white convertible, there wasn't much of a surprise, and no gift wrapped vehicle; there was however one very happy, proud, thankful young lady anxious for the privilege.  There have been squeals of delight as she realized that SHE can drive herself home from this weekends activities!  She can drive to B-dubs after the game!  And believe it or not, one of the first things she asked me was "mom, NOW can I have a curfew?" haha!  She's so not me!  PTL!

A good student, smart girl, logical thinker, who has a mind of her own she has been an answer to prayer.  I was fearful of having to raise children when time and time again God reminded me that He is in control.  My fears have been calmed and I know He has a plan.  Initially I worried she'd repeat my 'mistakes'.  I feared she'd be like me.  Instead she represents everything I had hoped I'd be.  She's accomplishing things and having success where I failed.  She's my 'mulligan' if you will.  I'm not sure how I was ever deemed deserving but I am thankful God sees in me something worth rewarding.  (so much so He's blessed/rewarded me twice)

16 and 180 days!  woo hoo!  what a fun stage of life.

The devil made me do it....perhaps.

I grew up with a father who had quite the ornery sense of humor.  "The devil made me do it" was one of the tag lines from one of his favorite comedians.  That very line would serve as my excuse for many of my actions, thoughts, and words.  As I 've gotten a bit older but primarily as my relationship with God has grown the saying "The devil made me do it" resonates in a much different manner.  It both saddens and scares me.

I find myself being much more cognizant of my feelings, words and actions and the effect they might have on another.  I try to be the 'change' I want to see in/from others.  I try to treat others as I would like to be treated.  And yet there are those times that I fail.  My thoughts are hateful, hurtful and sadden me.   I struggle with how to handle them because often times they're the very type of thought that I despise in others.  It's then I begin to wonder if perhaps "the devil made me do it".  Or am I just human?

Today has been one of those days.  To be on the safe side I've informed the devil he has no place in my life so he needs to move on! In addition, I've had to beg for my Gods forgiveness for my mean spirit.

Time to turn it around.

time....
2 3/4 years spent remodeling one of our homes
1+ years it's been listed for sale.
1+ year under contact to purchase another
a year and a month since moms passing
2 weeks until kat gets her liscense
1 1/2 year away from kats HS graduation
2 years until college
2 years left for all 4 of us to be together (vacations, holidays, under one roof)
4 years and all will have graduated and moved on
4 years and we'll be empty nesters

sigh....
too much time for somethings and just not enough for others.

when if ever is the sacrifice appreciated?

as parents we have to make decisions/sacrifices that often cost us and those we love all for the greater good.

time spent together, one on one is sacrificed and i'm left wondering if it we will ever be able to recover from it.  and in addition i'm left to wonder if the greater good is really all that much greater.  for the greatest thing to me is time with the ones i love the most.  and that time is fleeting away.

It's been awhile

Wow I don't even know where to begin!  July has came & went and August is on it's way out.  Mom's been gone a year.  Yesterday I had to put down one of my best friends, PJ our mini-schnauzer that we rescued 3 years ago.  In addition I chipped my front tooth while engaging in day 3 of new preschool job activities. (more on that later).  On the kid front there have been surgeries, cheer camp, cheer competition, and mission trips.  On the (new) home front we've signed a new purchase agreement and are forever faithful this is the path God has laid out for us and even though there are detours along the way we will arrive at our destination.  Whew...

I gotta say though that no matter the ups/downs that come at me I am so thankful that through each one God allows me to see the blessings.  It's truly overwhelming.  Bottom line, it's AWESOME!  For instance:  my incredibly broken toe - broken before Heather & I ever began our journey in search of THE shoes that would help to ease her fear of public speaking (haha) I broke my toe, major!  Through laughter, retail therapy and great company I trudged through the pain and ultimately reset the break.  I was able to praise Jesus through the pain because of the friendship and support of another He knowingly placed in my life.  How often do you hear one express thanks for the blessing of a dentist?  Well, I do. (and i am NOT a fan of dentistry) Thankful that not only is my dentist a good one at that, but that she is someone I can call a friend.  Just knowing her on a personal level makes checkups more doable and emergencies less freaky!  What a blessing to have her work me in, in a super timely fashion to repair my broken off bit of front tooth!  She could totally relate to my desire to not partake of the 'red-neck' look.  :)  PTL!  And the list of blessings goes on & on....our vet, the people we're buying the house from, family, trustworthy lawyer, church, & friends.

On the subject of friends, well... I am convinced I have the BEST of them.  Assembled by His hands for sure each is just the right fit.  Some are closer than others but each contributes to my life making it feel complete.  For them I am thankful.

And then there are those lives I've evidentially touched somewhere along the line.  Former students who take the time to wish me well on my FB wall, send me a 'friend request' or accept mine, or current little ones who once in the classroom run to hug my legs!  WOW!  how awesome is that!  It's comforting to know (and a reminder) that time here matters.  Matters to more than you may imagine, in ways you may have not conceived.  For those revelations I am thankful.  But I am most thankful for those persons God has put in my path on this journey through life.  ;)  They're amazing, as they are, God did good!

So how about you?  Take a minute and assess your blessings.  They're all around you, take many shapes and forms, and are at times disguised.

well it's been quite the summer thus far!  i'll do a quick recap of events up til now and then move on to a little something else.

kat had toncils & adenoids out, bled twice! SCARY, matthew went to honduras, andy fell off the roof (he's ok!  PTL), the amboy house is almost done!  oh so close!  WE ARE BUYING THE OTHER ONE!  IT'S OFF MARKET BUT IS OURS UPON SELLING ONE OF OUR OWN!!!!  again, PTL!  we've had multiple gatherings with friends, sweltering hot heat, kokomo beach with out of state friends, the annual cookout at moms.... :( , and I turned 46!  whew....and that's all just the first month of summer break.

here it is july 11 and in just over a month school will be back in session!  until then VBS, work, cheer practice, cheer camp, cheer competition, all have yet to happen!  whew...just thinking about it.  andy leaves for san antonio for a few days next week for work, i do miss him when he's gone.  so much has happened and yet there's still so much to do.

this summer has been exceptionally hot, but i'm praising the Lord because it's not been humid!  woo hoo!  If all goes according to my plan...provided it's in line with my Gods plan then we will be planning on moving end of september first of october!  of course i'll appreciate prayers but fully understand that  God has this all under control, and for that i'm thankful and faithful.

mom has been on my mind a lot this month.  for a year ago she was still with us.  we've talked, or rather i've talked and i'm certain she's listened.  she was always a good listener.  (and talker lol)

fathers day came and went.  i didn't call my dad.  i did send him a card though.  i told him i loved him.  i've realized a couple of things, 1) no matter the situation, he should hear it from ME that i love and care.  2) no matter the situation, he's my dad and i'm his daughter...even if i'm the only one who acknowledges that.  ....i don't really know where it went wrong.  i'm not even sure if knowing would help the situation, so i pray.

this growing older thing is kinda weird, and enjoyable all at the same time.  i do however find my self getting anxious at times about the simplest of things.  some scare me, some confuse me and others calm me.  you know how as time passes and one day you pause and take a look at your surroundings and your life and all the blessings, messes, and blessings!  i tend to do that often.  i like to hit pause.  but i have to admit there are those times when in doing so i get scared, or apprehensive.  i know that at some point those who are on this journey with me, making it special and enjoyable will someday ...not be.  that's when i get scare.  it's in this moment of feeling that i want to recoil and not love.  can you imagine.?!  i get scared of loving.  not being loved doesn't scare me.  but i find myself afraid to love.  why?  the only conclusion i can come up with is that in doing so, in not loving....it'll be easier when it's time to let go.

and then i realize that all that is bunk!  and i'm back to being me.

had lunch today with a young lady who i adore!  she's off to college in the fall and as many of you know i truly feel this is one of the most exciting times in a persons life.  any hoo, we were talking about being real v. being fake.  in our convo it was questioned how to act toward someone who you didn't much care for.  (i feel like i can be a pro at this!)  this has been a source of concern for me for some time.  and here's my conclusion.  if you're a nice person and being nice to others is important to you then be nice.  be you.  be to them how you'd want someone, anyone, to be to you.  if you can manage that then there's nothing fake about your approach.  fake is when you're anything other than yourself!  your feelings can be less than positive, but there are times when being ourself means putting feelings aside and just being.

well, that's the perspective that works for me any way.  and it's what i'll go with until i change and become mean or something.  ;)  *confession:  i do have a mean streak, i have to arm wrestle it so that i don't allow it to define me.  

well, that's about it for now.  i'm at church blogging, as our computer is in a funk.  thus the delayed post.  wishing you all well, thanks for reading....feel free to share your thoughts with me.

blessings,
kel