well many of you who read my blogs or know me personally know that in a week or two (or 3) we will be moving.  not far mind you but to a new, to us, home.  i'll be a country girl for the first time.  we will no longer be residents of grant county.  or for that matter a part of the oak hill community...at least by address standards.  and as most of you know i'm beyond excited, overwhelmed with the task and even more overwhelmed with the blessing.  i've driven by the home many times.  i've taken friends and family by it and even assisted a good friend who doesn't enjoy driving, at all....in finding the house from her own so that she can come by and chill with me like i do to her!  i even took my mom by the house shortly after we put an offer on it.  she passed 2 months later.  she'll never get to visit there and the mother-in-law residence on the property will not be occupied by her but nonetheless she knows where we'll be.

and that's the thing about this move.... there are those who i want to know where we'll be.  for without a doubt the new place is 'out of the way'.  in the middle of nowhere and on your way to no place.  :)  ....kinda like swayzee only w/o the neighbors and much more land.  but i wonder....i wonder if my father will ever try to find me.  for i'm just curious.

there's just no pleasing some people and over time my desire to do so diminishes.

as this happens to me i wonder what Jesus' position would be when dealing with some folk. for i've been kind, used kind words, have traded curiosity for judgement and yet i am approaching exhaustion.  my psyche is taking a beating and i wonder how much longer must i remain in the proverbial boxing ring?

it's as if satan has moved away from me directly and is taking the pot shots at me via another?  you know... through one who perhaps is less likely to call on His name as the ugliness of this world sets in. and so i reflect on myself...am i a part of the ugliness? if so Father forgive me and wash it away for i do not want any part of that to be what i put out for it is not reflective of You.

so i will be prayerful.  i will take comfort in knowing this is part of a plan....a plan that is perfect.

and i will continue to be me....a work in progress.

well....the time is upon us!  i'm so full of emotion and what not i don't even know where to begin!  so many thoughts going through my head....proud of my husband and all of his hard work and sacrifice...over 2 years worth!  there's not a doubt in my mind that when the time is right the house in amboy will sell and he shall reap his reward!  ....excited for my family!  1yr & 9 mos. later we will be  moving into our dream home!  a beautiful home that satisfies all our needs and wants.  situated on just under 8 acres it has the barns and out buildings that appeal to my husband as well as beautiful landscaping, mature trees, hills and a meandering stream.  i used to lose him to work in amboy and was sad and now i look forward to losing him to work 'in the barns' and can't wait!  it's truly his dream place and there's not a man alive that deserves it more than him.  he has cared for this family in so many ways...he's nothing short of amazing.  ....can't wait to decorate! but totally feel like i'll be in over my head.  i'm not sure of the look i'm going for but am looking forward to finding it out.  ...i'm looking forward to dinners at our table, a revolving back/front door for friends and family, movie nights, bon fires, walks to my friends' houses & back home again - totaling 6mi walked!!!! :)  thank you very much!...

i keep thinking how happy i am that i was able to show mom where it was....because she'll know where to find me.

This is our soon to be new home.  Please come and visit....anytime!  It's a little out of the way, but what's a bit of distance between family & friends.

948-5563

hey mom.  it's been awhile.   i've enjoyed our :11 convo's throughout the day.  i sure do miss you...especially today.  not so sure why today but nonetheless today you occupy my thoughts.  there's not much new to catch you up on.  i'm so ready to see the dr. on monday!  and ready for relief.

mom, i'm feeling like i'm floundering at times.  i could use some of your encouragement....or swift kick in the hind side, which ever you would find most fitting.  :)  i need you to tell me i'm gonna be ok.

i can't seem to get the morning of your surgery out of my mind.  you looked very pretty.  i don't think i told you that.  but you did.  ....as always.  you were so afraid....i could see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice.  it was different than any other time.  i knew it and felt it too....but didn't want you to be afraid, or worried.

anyway, just thought i'd call you.  i miss hearing your voice and was blessed to watch the video of you the other night.  what a comfort.  so anyway, feel free to visit me whenever.  until then...i love & miss you mom.

today i'm feeling disappointed in my effort and lost.  consuming my thoughts are those whom i feel as though i've let down.

i don't like this feeling.

i wish i knew it was ok.  

 i don't.

there are regrets and then there are Regrets.

regrets to me are those choices that i've made that have directly impacted me.  the ones i've learned from.  i regret them in the sense that they were bad choices but i don't regret how they've made me who i am.

Regrets are those choices, decisions i've made that have directly impacted someone i love dearly....my kids or husband.  i have far more re: my kiddo's than i do the husband.  being a wife is far easier than being a mom.

with that said i can't alter the past ....thus i will pray and pray some more.

if you know me at all you know i'm rather social.  with that said there are also those times that i just enjoy being alone or just chilling with my family.  well super bowl sunday was one of those days for me.  andy and i are typically at a party or having a party of our own.  but not this year.

this year we gathered as a family.  each of us in our own claimed space in the family room with the game on the big screen....and our electronics placed in a comfortable manner on our laps and we connected with those not with us.  it was actually kinda nice.

you see i was able to enjoy the game with out vocalized chit chat and random conversations.  instead i enjoyed many intentional conversations via social networking!  i enjoyed my own facebook super bowl party!  friends from illinois, colorado, ohio, as well as other states & all parts of indiana all attended my fb super bowl party.  it was almost perfect.  :)  So, to those who joined me in my little cyber party!  i enjoyed your company!  ....y'all come back now, y'hear!


again, it's the little things!

for the record....
i was reminiscing today thinking back to my HS years.  and it dawned on me, that's where it all started
high school.  started what you ask?  well, started calling things as i saw them.  so yeah, been at it for years.  perhaps it started even earlier, jr high even i'm not really sure i just know that i've had a knack for seeing things in their true light.  and when i say things i probably mean people for who they are.  for whatever the reason, it's as though i see through them.

my earliest recollection of this occurring is with my parents.  i think i was the only one not shocked when the divorce occurred.  what i was shocked about, or perhaps the best description of what i felt was disappointment, was the manner in which the end of the marriage came to be.  those details brought out the skeptic in me with regard to people.  you see lesson number one was this...people, even those who are suppose to love you unconditionally can: lie, cheat, sneak, lie, fake it, lie, sneak, all the while allowing you, and others believe otherwise.  LESSON: if the very people who brought you into this world will hurt you and be dishonest, don't be surprised if/when others do the same.  LESSON: outward image must be maintained as long as possible.

*i too lied and put up fronts.  it's what i knew.  for the truths were ugly.

senior year, feeling all full of my senior, i'm about to graduate and know far more than you self I embarked on the beginning stages of calling it as i see it.  and ....for the record i started with the principal.  why? well, i bore witness to him telling a lie.  one story to the adults and a completely different story to the student body.  and so it began.

some years later i returned to my Alma mater and little had changed.  only this time teachers spoke up and out appalled at the lies and cover ups and feeling like they were with out a voice so i spoke up.  and again i witnessed the same principal speak a hurtful untruth, telling a young man he wasn't to speak and wasn't worth hearing as nobody wanted to hear anything he had to say...i was incensed!  to say the least.  LESSON: people lie.  LESSON: people don't have to be accepting of those lies.

*it is now that it occurs to me that i don't much care for liars, cheaters, and certainly not at the expense of kids.

and here we are, in the more recent past i've encountered more of the same and have approached it in the only manner i'm comfortable with.  sadly it too has often been at the expense of the child. LESSON: liars don't like being called out.  LESSON: if you're not forthwith, you tend to be deceptive.  LESSON: one has little fear in a creative lie and much to fear in an ugly truth.

*i'm not one to look the other way, take one for the team, buy into mans greater good...

so, i am what i am and only expect such from others.  no airs, pretense, or falsehoods....rather an open book.  i question most everything, and most everyone until i feel comfortable.  i trust and respect from the get go, but should it be lost or tampered with then i'm done.  i don't chase after anything.  appreciate where i am in life and those who are with me as well as those who are not.  i love unconditionally.  and for those i don't like .... i insist that i, at any given time, can tell you 3 kind things about them.

*i'm not perfect, better than anyone or less than another.  i'm where i'm suppose to be and daily working to be better at being me....the me God intended me to be.

so odds are ..... if there's an elephant in the room and you don't seem to notice i'll point it out.  it's just who i am.  no apologies...

another day older....

what a blessing!  right?

i know there are aches and pains that are associated with aging and there are times with they can be so intense that we lose sight of the everyday blessings.

just one reason why i love social media...i am reminded of all the blessings that have touched my life.  having had what seems like 1001 jobs, lived in a few different areas/communities, been involved in a variety of activities, social groups and churches, i've encountered quite  few people....friends, acquaintances.  and because life comes at each of us in a different manner it would be so easy to be like two ships that pass in the night never to meet again.

instead, i'm blessed to see and be in touch with so many people.  as i get older i've enjoyed seeing former students become parents, friends become grandparents, college graduations, mission trips, and leisure trips.  i've had to opportunity to pray for and with folks who requested or not expressed a need/care/concern.  not to mention the celebrations.  we've talked books, recipes, restaurants, movies etc... shared tips, thoughts, and laughs.

wow what a joy!  what a joy to get older!  what a joy to have another day to live!  take a moment and reflect on you joys, your blessings!  and here's to getting older!  enjoy the ride!

oh & one more thing....  the neck, doesn't lie!  :P  embrace every wrinkle but don't let it define you!

i'm right! i'm right! i'm right!  O CRAP!   I'm right!.....

ever had that feeling?

a while back a change of events took place that directly involved my daughter and her extra curricular activity of choice. i was blown away by what had transpired and left shaking my head.  what i was not, was left speechless. (that would probably take a cataclysmic event for that to happen)  i was engaged in many conversations where there occurred concerns, speculation, rants, problem solving for problems that would undoubtedly come our way.  there were convos with parents, ad's, and other folks in the community. perhaps an error on my part, as perceived by others would've been my lack of communication with the person at the helm, leading the way.

i gotta be honest i struggled with the placement.  and did so based on my own experiences with this person as a fellow parent.  for during her time as just a parent she remarked often about how she'd handle things, her take on some of the other participants and their parents, former persons in charge, etc...  it's safe to say there was an agenda!  a hefty one at that.  WARNING WARNING WARNING!

and here we are....some time later....& O CRAP!

sad really!  many young folk have had life lessons and experiences that some adults haven't even had to deal with yet. there's been a heavy dose of disappointment on many levels that has involved families as well as participants.  and what was once a top-notch program is no more.  (ohhowthemightyhavefallen)

i really really REALLY! wish i as wrong....

so a week ago i received a stern warning/threat from a someone via fb on his wife's account, regarding a comment i made, in light, on a status of a friend who doesn't live in our community.  my comment was vague and for those who know me would've known the following 1) it's nothing i wouldn't say to the 'powers that be' 2) i'm a jokester....9/10 times.  ANY way, as i thought about the incident all i could think about is why? why would he bother?  what was gonna be my punishment?  what was i to be "careful" of exactly....or what?  friday school? iss (eek)? my child kept from something s/he loves? seriously based on past experiences i'm left to wonder just how the foot shall come down.  in addition and more puzzling to me i was left wondering what the 'fear' of me was or was based on.  although outspoken and of my own mind i 1) hate conflict and avoid it and confrontations at all cost 2) can not recall even one time when in public* that i've been rude to another and/or confrontational to them.  (*by public i mean live in person....not fb or blog - as those are locations i opt to speak my mind, state my opinions and what not.  like a radio/tv, if you don't like what i say you don't have to tune in.  moreover - 99.9% of my fb status' are restricted to my fb friends only)

so, back to my original pondering....where's the scary?  is it that my opinions might be shared by others?  is it that my take is a truth, and perhaps an ugly one?  is it that i challenge that which doesn't make sense?  is it that i tend to call a spade a spade and am not blind to the elephant in the room? i get why some of those qualities might not be to your liking or comprise someone you want to hang around with, especially if you cannot persuade them to do your bidding or just go along with what ever and turn the other cheek when need be.  and if that's the case fine....we'll skip coffee & fellowship. but seriously is it necessary to threaten/warn?

for the most part i'd describe myself as pretty laid back, easy going, accepting and tolerant....even of persons who i'd consider to be boobs at best.  my opinion of some doesn't comprise my opinion of the whole - that would be dumb.

so yeah....i'm not good at pretending, but i'd say i'm generally kind.  but some people just seem to be mean and malicious.  whew, that's gotta be exhausting.  we're all a work in progress....it'll be interesting to see in what manner we continue to do so.

So do you ever really give much thought to 'how you're doing?'?

Take a minute and think about it...
....
....
....

What exactly did you consider?  Your job? Family? Relationships? Finances? Emotional well-being? Physical well-being?

Did you consider how you're doing with YOU?

I've seemed to be very reflective lately on just how I'm doing.  And I think I, like our pastor mentioned a couple of weeks ago...."I'm not perfect but I'm a lot better than I used to be!"  I'll chalk up all the reflection to a few things...1) the passing of my mother 2) reconnecting with so many different people from different stages of my life via social networks 3) age and maturity.  I have had so many voices and words replay in my head and some made me smile while others caused me to pause and give thought and consideration to what was said....said about me.  I've thought about who I thought I was, who I think I am and who I want to be.  And then I've had to rethink it all and question weather or not it is at all in line with who God wants me to be.  And there it is....the bottom line.

You see, I cannot define me, nor can my family, friends, social status, church, or this world.  I'm defined by God.  I'm an unfinished set of works and I hope I'm improving in such a manner that I am becoming better than I was and more and more pleasing to Him.  For pleasing Him is really all that matters.

There are so many elements of ME that I want to improve upon and I feel that I'll get that accomplished.  It is for certain a process.

So how are YOU doing?

well, after having been gone a few days this week my favorite fella came home Friday evening and we had the privileged of having a date night.  we took in Silver Linings Playbook and we both really enjoyed the movie.  quirky yet interesting it moved right along and i really enjoyed the plot and the characters.  i tried so hard to make it through the movie with out any popcorn....i failed!  i swear that stuff is crack!  lol  i only made it through the last trailer.  but hey, what's a movie without the pop corn? it really adds to the ambiance!

saturday brought about quite a full day!  senior day and final end of year swim meet & banquet, eye appointment, mani-kat, pedi-me, and then evening out with the supper club.  it was our first outing of the new year.  destination of choice was Day & Night located in Peru.  what a nice atmosphere and setting for our area.  nicely decorated, beautiful bar and good selection of menu items set the tone for a great dining experience.  hope to return on a tuesday evening sometime, as tuesday's are Cole Porter night which features live entertainment & 1/2 price martini's (although i've never had a martini).  we rounded out the evening back at Paul & Jessicas for dessert!  Rachel, Jake & Chelsea made the yummiest of cake balls and pretzel bites.

today is sunday....the kids will be leaving soon for winter jam.  they'll be gone all day and i'm certain they'll be filled with the spirit.  not sure what today will hold for andy & i.  i'm hoping we will take to the road and take in some local fare.  without a doubt he'll want to get over to amboy to tie up some more loose ends.

last night my heart broke a little.  i inquired with my daughter if she planned to tryout for cheerleading for her senior year.  she responded with a "YES!"  followed by this "even if i don't make it, i'll have the entire time spent practicing and trying out to do what i really love one more time!"

her joy is missing at this point she's broken and i can't fix it.

so many thoughts today....

one about truth.  who to believe.  what to believe. it can really be so overwhelming.  i'm mean i don't care who you are you've fibbed a time or two.  for me the big flaw with that is not owning it and/or denying it.  that is one i have difficulty forgetting.

opinions.  man oh man do opinions frighten people.  now my question is why?  what are you afraid of.  i suppose i become frightened of an opinion when there's damning truth rolled up in it.  that's certainly a bummer.  or if perhaps its one that could be harmful to many.  but to be frightened just because it's different from my own...well, i just think that's ignorant.

opinions....and similar ones at that.  it intrigues and concerns me when many people i speak to share in an opinion and feel stuck all at the same time.  where i live there are many fine attributes but like most places, small communities especially, we're not without our faults.  (contrary to what some in public positions would have you believe) many echo the sentiment that the one thing that is so good and draws so many to us is also the one area that could use the most improvement and/or serves as the progenitor for what ails us.  and most concur exactly what positions propagate the issues.  yet what would appear to me to be quite close to a majority, who are directly affected, feel stuck, helpless and without appeasement.  sad if you ask me.  sad, sickening, frustrating....the list goes on.  it's truly a bitter pill.  one that after 12 years has a trickle down affect that sends young ones out, never to look back.  sad.

well the good news is my son is clueless about last night's events, therefore i'm hoping he'll attend the class and there will be no fall out.  the bad news is....i seriously doubt that will be the case.  sure hope i'm wrong.

i will say i'm more and more thankful every day that my heavenly Father doesn't operate on the same principle that most people do.  i will suffer for my sin, not my child.

and for the sake of what my child wants in the future i edit/delete my comments because people who i purposefully do not follow or allow to see my page want to comment on my statements.  really!

it's the choices we make in life that set us apart.
friendships dissolve into acquaintances.
it's a fact of life.

perhaps what makes the transition easier is knowing your being true to yourself.

it must be exhausting not being able to be honest, truthful and forthwith at all times.

perhaps the saddest part of the process is knowing those you've cared for and called friend are making choices that leaves them behind.

it can be a painful reality at any age.

time to move on.

well it's a new year and what a start.  2013!!!  i think i'm gonna like you.

i was asked while doing a bit of shopping today how my holidays were and my response was good & calm.  Calm!  can you imagine a calm Christmas season?  And of course that got me to thinking....

Thinking about how how God orchestrates things.  I think the calm of this season allowed me to be more focused on Him.  On his gift to us Jesus Christ.  And all of my 'gifts'.  And I did.  And I was humbled.  My home is full of memories and the ones I love the most.  My heart is equally full and I was able to reflect on the past and for the first time in perhaps forever recalled good times as opposed those times that were perhaps not so good.  The calm I've experienced had to come from the Lord for it's like nothing I've ever known.

I've been calm enough to see Him in action.  To recognized His good works and be reassured that He is in control and His timing is perfect.  That is so comforting.

In addition I'm so thankful for all that is happening for my husband and kids.  Andy has worked so hard every day of our 17 years together to make life better.  He's accomplished tasks I'm sure even he thought he never would and has had successes he probably never thought possible.  And now this!  This new place, his dream place is about to come to fruition.  Seriously tears of joy fell from my face as I praised Him for absolutely everything.  The lessons, the calm, His comfort.  I've been broken, and humbled and blessed.

It's gonna happen.  We're thankful and appreciative.  We're not lucky, we're very simply blessed.  For at the heart of all things in our life the one constant has been our God.  His mercy has been great.  I fully anticipate being a blubbering mess when all is said and done.

I don't know that I'll ever fully understand His amazing love for me...who's truly been a hot mess on many occasions in this life.  But I do know it's necessary for me to share His love with others and I will not stop doing so for as long as I am here.

Amazed by His grace.....

“If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” 
― Dave Ramsey

Having put into practice DR's methods for ridding ourselves of debt and over all improving our financial situation, I'm finding his famous quote (stated above) becoming true in more ways than one.

I'm thankful for the turn about, don't get me wrong.  I just wish other could have a similar experience.  It hasn't been easy and we're not quite debt free but we're certainly headed in the right direction.  I have to credit my hubby for all of this.  I don't care for money.  I don't pay attention to finances, he tries tirelessly to involve me and I just tell him...."i trust you!" and I do!  I'm better than I was but have a lot of room for improvement.  I see the turn about in our lives and I want that for so many others.  If only.  It's hard to get real when it comes to ones finances.  It's hard to realize what you actually have. (vs. what you really don't)  It's tough to discipline yourself to be DONE when the cash is gone.  But it can be done.

We are trying to 'live like no one else....', his methods are working for that I'm thankful.  But then when no one else seems to be living the same way, you can find yourself....well, feeling as though you're living alone on the trail.