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Well, I'm sure you had mixed feelings about the last 2 days.!!  On the up side, many people some you know and love dearly got great deals (free) to continue the crafting!  And those who paid, well....their deals were pretty awesome too.  On the down side, we sold nothing that ended in .98 and everything went CHEAP!  With that said we still have a TON of stuff!  My goodness you really kept everything! 

You were so creative.  As I saw item after item leave in the hands of another who shared your passion I would experience bits of panic .....panic that I'd never be able to get another thing that had your touch on it.  Not a good feeling.  There's something comforting about the signs you painted with all the sayings in addition the floral designs are now a one of a kind.  I selected more pieces to add to my already growing collections of MOM made stuffs.  Assuring that when the time comes both Kathryn and Matthew will have something from grandma mo to decorate their dwellings with.

Here's the funny of it all.  I do have a few creative juices flowing through my veins, I am after all YOUR daughter.  And this week my girlfriend expressed her interest in rehabing some of the things she loves and is toying with the idea of having sales or a shop at some point.  As I told Eric, I don't enjoy the same kind of crafting as you did.  I have no desire to make several items for sale and I absolutely hate to have sales of any kind (thanks!) but do have a desire to make somethings.  Random items....and who knows where that will lead.  We collectively joked about a day when we'd open a shop called "Monies!"  lol  NOT!

Anyway, there's still much to go through and much to do!  PTL for Kim!  I truly just follow her lead.  She and Eric keep me informed and reeled in if you will, because you know me, I'd just walk away from it all. 

I love you and miss you mom!  And if there's one thing I've learned throughout this process it's to THROW STUFF AWAY!   Or at the very least re-purpose it or give it to someone who will need/use it more than I!  I know for sure when we move there will be a MAJOR PURGE of all previously owned items.! 

tid bits...

Well as many of you know and perhaps have experienced your selves, the new year brings to the forefront new goals or perhaps old goals revisited.  I don't make new years resolutions, rather I just continue to try to improve upon me and be more pleasing to my God...it's an ongoing process like many resolutions.  I do want to share a few things that I've experienced and can attest to their success.  (keep in mind success is not without effort)

Financially I don't think there's a better program out there than FPU - aka, Financial Peace University!  A program developed by Dave Ramsey (or promoted by him) with a step by step program to recovery from debt.  Bottom line, IT WORKS.   If you're not familiar, google it.  http://www.daveramsey.com

Healthily (is that a word?) I recommend Advocare.  As many of you know I'm not much into dieting and such.  Food is my friend.  But having done the 24 day challenge I can attest to this, I feel better, have kept off the weight for over a year and WANT to eat more healthy.  Aside from Hardee's and their creation of the Steakhouse burger, fast food is rather unappealing.  Over the course of the 24 day's several things happen both physically, nutritionally, and mentally.  The program begins with a cleanse, eliminating the yuck, alters your diet yet doing so in a manner that is totally tolerable, and restores energy.  No joke when I tell you that on the 8th day of the program I had to MOVE!!!!  The addition of movement only enhanced the results.  And somewhere along the line my desire for food changed.  It was still there, but I really had a turned up nose for that food that was "bad" for me.  So, give it a try.  Not sure where to get it?....hit me up, Andy sells it.

https://www.advocare.com/10075946/


Inspiration comes from many different places.  However I feel pretty certain that 2012 will go down in history as the year of Pinterest.  What is Pinterest you ask?  Well it's a site full of pin boards.  What are pin boards?  Boards created with ideas that have been virtually "pinned" to them.  Why?  you ask...well, why not?!  It's not necessarily a user friendly site, as I had to do a lot of random clicking and roaming to really get the gist of it.  Ultimately I figured it out and within a day or so of visiting became addicted.  Pinterest has a little bit of everything: party ideas, decorating ideas, style ideas, sayings, organization ideas, crafts, diy, food (oh the food), and it goes on & on & on!  What's uber neat about the site is it allows you to see what others have found and pinned, what they find interesting and you too get to share with others what appeals to you!  It's somewhat unusual in that you need an invite to get started pinning, but you don't need one to browse.  If you're not yet a pinner on Pinterest, but are curious and would like to be I'll be glad to send you an invite, just let me know.  In the mean time give it a looksy at http://pinterest.com/

Well, that's it from me for today.  Blessing to each of you & remember, it's never to late to start!  every day is a new beginning!
<3

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Hey, Mom...
I don't think i've called yet this year.  I have however talked to you daily ;).  We're only 20 days in and so much has happened already!  So much so that a part of me is glad you're where you're at because I feel it would only cause you more worry and concern and I would hate for that to happen, when in fact in the long run everything is for the best.  It's just a change.

We received good news regarding Kathryns' ultrasound on her thyroid.  No cancer!  Praise the Lord!!!!  Her thyroid is enlarged and we go monday to have it tested to see what's up with that.  Dr. said it wasn't unusual for a teenage girl to have an enlarged thyroid, so...I'm sure it'll all be ok. 

All that praying you've done over the years for Matthew and him getting along ok at school, well it all came full circle a couple of weeks ago and I withdrew him.  We're finishing up the year homeschooling and he'll return to regular school in the fall for high school.  It's been good.  We've had a lot of opportunity to talk about Life and all it can throw at you and people and just how they're different everywhere you go and how to deal with all of those things.  It's been interesting to say the least.  I sure don't remember lessons like these when I was in Jr. High.  And I certainly don't remember adults turning a blind eye.  Times they are a changing, and I'm not convinced it's all good.  Change is fine, but why abandon those practices that work just for the sake of change.?  A universal question I'm sure.

I'm doing well.  There's a great peace with in me that I can only attribute to my God and my faith.  I miss you terribly ....but you know that. Sometimes I get jealous because I feel as though you're getting a full view of our lives....the heads up if you will and the assurance in knowing!!!  all will be well.  And I don't know, but there's something comforting to me knowing you're with our God.  It's as though I've got my two biggest fans watching out for me.  win win right?

I've found it easier to rid myself of those things/people in my life that would like to bring me down.  No time for them other than the time spent praying for them.  That's all I can do.  ....needless to say, I pray a lot. ;)  Especially living where I do and my "un"willingness, if you will, to go with the flow.  I guess Fairmount produced more than one Rebel.  (lol) Only my cause is my Family. 

Mom, you have held onto a lot of stuff!  ;P   How many times did I suggest you purge!  Oh MY GOODNESS!  It's all so overwhelming.  haha.  Guessing you knew that and that's why YOU didn't ever go through it all.  If it were not so neatly stashed away I'd say you might've been able to be in an episode of Hoarders.  Neatly stashed away Hoarders.  Talk about an ordeal.  Kim has been doing an amazing job.

On the home fronts...Amboy is still for sale and getting close & closer to being completed.  God Love my husband!!  Swayzee came off the market, but is obviously still going to be sold, but we didn't want the hassle of showing it while we were living here & working on it.  Our offer has been extended on the home we want to purchase. And I would love to see Kim & Eric in your place in the next few months.  There's a water leak....so that's being tended to and they both have great ideas to make it their own.  You should be proud of yourself  for being able to hang on to the houses.  You did it!  You won! 

Keep watching over us if you will.  Especially Andy in his travels over the next two weeks.  And over Kathryn, we have labs on Monday and Matthew.  Although nothing particular for Matt anymore, other than he continue to grow, be healthy and be happy!  I really sense things are coming together for him. 

Mom, I love you.  Miss you terribly....feel free to visit any time you like. 

I'll talk to you later. 

He's baaaacccckkkkk!

Matthew that is!  What an amazing 180 has taken place in his personality.  It's the kid we all know and love!  Returned from some dark place he was forced to go.  It's so refreshing and yet sad all at the same time.  He hasn't balked at going with us to ballgames, outings, church, youth, etc...rather he's up and at it & usually one of the first ready to go!  And once we arrive where ever, it's not long before he's with his friends. 

I give praises to the Lord that my son was/is strong enough, and confident enough in himself and knows that "the Lord doesn't make junk" that he didn't resort to harming himself like so many kids who feel bullied, left out, shoved aside, overlooked do.  I am thankful that as parents Andy and I kept lines of communication open with our kids and that they felt safe enough to express their concerns and share what was happening during the course of their day, something most teens choose not to.  I am thankful to the Lord for the clarity and strength to do what I needed to do for my son, and our family.

Phone calls to parents I feel would've been futile, and frankly where do you stop.  As far as Administration goes, well....it is what it is and until the board decides on a change it will remain the same. 

I do want to correct or clear up something that I have put out there regarding the school I withdrew our son from.  There are teachers in that building who care immensely.  And they are very good teachers at that.  The quality of teachers and education is the primary reason we selected this particular school system.  It's not perfect and I am sure many other systems deal with similar problems as ours but over all I would be hard pressed to speak a negative word against MOST of the teaching staff.  (you can read about one in particular in a previous blog from 2010 I believe)

Regardless, our son is BACK and thriving!  and it's only been a week!  As he left this morning with his dad for the next couple of days he grabbed his new text books, and said he'd besure to "face time" me so that we could go over his lessons.  Wow initiative at that!  It's as though he's matured 4 years already! 

He's a great kid and such a joy.  Such a BLESSING!  Thanks to everyone for all the prayers.
 

The good stuff....

The good news is....

Matthew begins his home schooling adventure today.  We're starting with US History and the Civil War.  I'm excited as it's my favorite subject.  And the fact that today's lesson will take place fireside is that much more exciting.  Love this kid more than life itself!  He is truly a joy! 

Kathryn had an excellent gymnastic lesson last night.  I love when she comes away optimistic and accomplished.  In addition she made the semester honor roll!  Even though she missed several days she managed to stay on top of her lessons.  She's still on track for her Honors diploma!  She (as well as us) is so excited about that! 


The past week I've have been blessed to see Gods plan in action.  What a blessing and comfort to know He has a plan!  With clarity I was able to approach 2 very different situations involving my kids and respond in a manner that I can be proud of and make decisions with clarity that many view as brave, difficult, hard etc.... 

I said this would be a year of change and sure enough two short weeks in and we've dealt with quite a bit of change already.  And it's all been GOOD! 

I would ask for continued prayer for Kathryn as we meet with her pediatrician on Monday to go over tests that need ran before we meet with endocrinologist in Ft. Wayne.  Prayers for Matthew that he continues to heal emotionally and grow more confident.  He's a fine young man, strong in so many ways and already we've seen a huge difference in his personality!  Far less frustration and more of the happy go lucky Matthew we all love so much!  Even Kathryn has said how "nice he is to her".  (she was on the receiving end of his frustration)  Prayers for me too as I head down this path!  It's sure to be an adventure and I with out a doubt know that God has placed it on my heart to take this step. 

One final note...thank you for reading my silly little blog.  It's nothing special, serves no purpose rather than a place for me to speak my mind, say what's on my heart, and even a time or two shake things up.  Although you can happen upon my page by chance, many have expressed to receive notice when I blog, hence the blah blah blog group.  With that said, there have been visitors to my blog who are not a part of the group, but rather acquire the blog address from someone other than myself and who are not supportive.  And to them I say, leave and don't come back.  Odds are you don't like what I have to say, you don't like my opinion or point of view.  Bottom line is not all opinions are shared, mine included and it is OK to see things differently.  AND it is OK to have a voice. 

So there you have it.  This is again where I say what please, not always pleasing others with what I say. 
I am Kelly, I have an opinion & I have a voice.  I am woman hear me roar!  ;P  haha!

Follow your gut.....

...and when it's the size of mine you're sure to find your way. 

No kidding.

If there's one thing i've learned not to do that is to not second guess myself.  I knew going into a situation that it was not one i wanted to be in.  not one that felt good.  and not one that i wanted to last for long.  YAY i was granted my wish.  however the reasoning behind it all questionable, given the source - well, i'm not surprised.

I am now as i should be.  Home.  No longer employed .....

only concern...how to pay for nails & data plan!  lol 

I'll figure it out.

Van Ness Academy.....enrollment 1

Here at the Van Ness Academy we will start our day out with a hug.  We will learn and laugh and repeat the process.  We will discuss and debate.  We will motivate and challenge.  We will encourage one another. 

You see, the decision to open the Van Ness Academy wasn't really a hard one to make.  As a parent you want the best for your child.  And I for one feel that only the parent of that child can make that best decision.  Other parents, family and friends I'm sure might have you interest at heart, but ultimately only the parent can make the best decision. 

Choosing to not conform isn't a bad thing.  As a matter of fact it's a great thing! God has set us apart.  Has said to not be of this world.  Yet, this is the world we reside in.  With all it's beauty and good there is also ugly and bad.  And the ugly and bad will undoubtedly take it's toll over time.  To what extent varies with each individual. 

Matt's request to be home schooled isn't an escape route.  Rather it's one made so that he can be the BEST Matthew possible. And I thank God for allowing me to be able to clearly with out pause to be able to grant his wish.  In addition speaking through Pastor Walker Sunday morning casting out any doubts should they exist.  And he did so with these points :

• There is no fear in love....
• Do you feel like others are against you? ....Gods favor is upon you, therefore don't feel that way
• God will intercede in your life and bless you
• This is My commandment to love one another.

I love my son, and my God thus I have no fear in the path that is put before us.  When I asked Matt if he felt as though others were against him, he said at times.  Yet he knows he has purpose.  Given the chain of events that led up to our ultimate decision, I felt with great certainty that God interceded in our life, that moment and gave us reason & clarity.  And the final bullet point, ....ironically, it's what has confounded my son all along.  How do people just not love one another.  Really, is kindness all that difficult to muster? 

It's as though a breath from heaven has breathed new life into a young man who was caught up in a tide pool.  For that alone I praise the Lord. 

We certainly are not going with the grain here, no longer a part of the team, no longer a traditional student, but confident in who we are and what it is God would have us do. 

I've said many times on FB that this year would be full of change.  I've challenged others to be the change they want to see in others.  And I've been called to the task of being/doing just that.  The irony, hanging in the jr. high that my son attended is a banner that says "stand up for what's right even if you're standing alone", our twist...."standing up for what's right now has me standing at home." 

OH NO.....MY KNEES ARE FAT! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????

Yes you read the title correct and it's not a metaphor for anything it's straight up FACT :/ 

My knees are fat. 

So are other parts, i'm not delusional, but really my Knees!!!  how does that happen?  Does your body say to it's self "whoa there!  belly is maxed out, so it her hind end so keep on moving boys,  (boys are the cause of fat, i'm sure so therefore for fat will be identified as male) there you go....just a little farther, as others are sure to follow and will surely deposit themselves in her thighs, so it's the knees for you"  Really, this has got to be the dialogue that takes place. 

Even at my chubbiest i've never really had body image issues.  I've always been pretty happy just the way I am.  I grew up with 2 heavy set parents.  One, my father never seemed to give it much thought.  Probably because he was the smallest in his family as they were all really large.  My mom on the other hand was "big boned", the product of 2 relatively small people and never seemed happy in her own skin.  Ever.  :(  I even over heard her once tell a friend on the phone "i never wanted to have a girl because i never wanted her to be big like me."  Mind you when i overheard this convo I was far from large.  As in miles away.  Dr.'s used to tell me i needed to gain weight!  (can you imagine)  If they could see me now & what success i've become!  ;p  haha

I look at it this way, I'm not the biggest, nor the smallest. I'm me and whatever the size, pound, etc...I am who I am.  At no point has my shape, size ever defined me nor do i believe it ever will. 

But really?  My knees.!  ahaha I really have to laugh about it because ...well, frankly i find it amusing.  Curiously amusing.  What's next?  My ankles...thus becoming cankles?  And if fat, thick or full ankles are cankles what does that make my fat, thick knees?  cknees?  (jw)

I came painfully aware of my cknees when the "fat" surrounding my knee cap continued to move once i became idol.  really?  YES!  I was so astonished that i tested what i was feeling, and sure enough ....continued movement.  drat!  haha

So, as a result of my recent discovery of my cknees and in a attempt to avoid cankles, i have resumed my exercise program: zumba & walking!  I'm in search of the day when i wrap up a zumba routine and my cknees STOP moving too!  And who knows with luck....the more important result will be achieved....an improved over all health. 

You see, God has added one more day to this year to accomplish my goal...it's as though He's said "ok, you just need a bit more time!....you got it! in the form of Feb. 29!  Now get to it!"  So I'm off on a mission.  (& better yet, i'm not alone!)

Hello & goodbye cknees! :)

books

Who here likes to read?  Who here enjoys a good laugh?  Who here has a sense of humor?  ME ME ME.

I must contribute my love of reading to my friend Marsha Vermilion. (shout out!)  She's my English/Lit teacher friend who reestablished in me the need for a good read.  I explained to her my problem, I need to be hooked right away, and with out much thought or consideration she gave me Fine Things by Danielle Steele.  I only know it was by Danielle Steele and remember that for two reasons, 1) i looked to see who the author was & 2) Marsha lent the book to me with a disclaimer that 'she typically wouldn't recommend a Danielle Steele book but that this was good from cover to cover', or something along those lines.  And there you have it.  I like to read.

My preferred genre seems somewhat all over the place but mostly light hearted.  Many of you know for 4 years I worked in a Jr. High setting and with many kids who found reading a challenge.  And the occasional teen who actually enjoyed it.  Due to my circumstance I began to read books that would appeal to teens and would make my recommendations.  So much so that I acquired quite a library of books, primarily for teen girls.  In addition my daughter is quite the reader, however she has a tendency to NOT read any of my suggestions.  Since I also worked with some boys I would force myself to read "boy stuff" just so I could assist them some too.  Again, my son is quite a reader and we have ZERO similarities in our preferred taste in books.  ho hum.  It's all really ironic that my kids and I don't share the same taste in books, as it was my initial panic that someday I'll have raised an illiterate kid, one who detests books and who will inevitably suffer through school/college because they hated to read.  Whew, crisis averted!

After having left the school (happy day) I continued my teen genre but soon realized I had zero to converse about with friends who were readers and therefore it was time to move on.

On to my grown up reading.  As I'm blogging about this I'm desperately trying to remember the first 'adult' read.  All though the title escapes me, I remember being shocked by the adult content.  ...remember i'd been in "G" mode for some time.  :)  And then one day while walking with my girlfriend Heather Nestleroad something I said made her chuckle and she commented that I reminded her of an author she has read, Jen Lancaster, and that I should read her books.  Ironically, later that week Ms. Lancaster was on the Today show promoting her current (at the time) memoir, My Fair Lazy and as they say the rest is history.  I began with book one, if you will, Bitter Is The New Black, and consequently followed it up with the remaining 4: Bright Lights, Big Ass,  Such A Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid,  and My Fair Lazy.  I was hooked from the first line.  YAY as that is what it takes for me.  She has also completed a novel, If You Were Here and it too provided great reading enjoyment.  For my between books Jen Lancaster fix I follow her blog at Jennsylvania.com.  An 80's girl, home grown - 1984 Huntington North grad, who tends to say what many think she's sure to make you chuckle.  And If you too are an 80's chick who couldn't wait for the next John Hughes movie, her books are a must read.

In addition to the above mentioned author, I've also read some of her book suggestions and so far so good.  Good Enough to Eat, by Stacey Ballis is just one of her recommendations and I to will recommend it.  It's light hearted read and certainly provided chuckles.  Karyn Bosnak is also quite enjoyable.  Twenty Times A Lady was made into a movie (What's Your Number) and Save Karyn is oh so relate-able and will leave you wondering "why didn't I think of that".  Currently I'm reading With A Little Luck  by Caprice Crane.  As I am only on chapter 4 a thorough review is unavailable, however, so far so good!

I call the above books and suggested read from Lancaster 'chick flick' books.  They're entertaining and relate-able on some level.  There's humor for sure so if you're void of any, (odd that you're here) so you might ignore all my suggestions and still with the daily newspaper.

On occasion I'll venture into the Historical Fiction genre.  I love medieval reads, anything to do with the Salem Witch trials and the Holocaust.  Want a suggestion or have one to share just let me know.

After mom passed I read Heaven is For Real.  Comforting, encouraging and hopeful the book really brought life and death into perspective for me.  If you've lost a loved one this is a must read.

I enjoy quick, light hearted reads that make me smile and laugh and even on occasion shed a tear.  And if it isn't apparent to you yet I mostly enjoy the laughter.  So, if you're in search of a chuckle, and wonder where to begin, reread paragraph 5 and start with book 1.  Keep in mind...a sense of humor is required.

HAPPY READING

wrap up

Well the Holiday season came & went.  That just about sums it up really.  No pomp and very little holiday cheer if you will.  Many friends, acquaintances stopped me to inquire if I ever got around to putting up a tree.  Yes, 3 days before the big day.

Really since July 22nd my mind has been foggy yet reflective, my heart broken yet beating and my world...well it didn't crumble.  It changed.  It shifted.  Not like our current president "change" but good & necessary change.  Some of you might wonder how I could begin to classify the change brought about by the passing of my mother good.  Well, it's really rather simple.  She's no longer in pain.  She no longer is confined by her disabilities.  She is no longer alone.  But for me, most importantly she cartwheeled all the way through the pearly gates.  That I am sure of. 

The necessary aspect of change brought about in my world since this summer has been the personal transformation that I seem to be experiencing.  It's on going.  As it has 45 years of walls, habits, attitudes, etc that need broken down, tweaked, adjusted and built back up.  Probably the most apparent aspect of this life that I needed to work on, focus on is the simplicity of what is expected from me.  (from all of us really.)  I've realized I needed to declutter, if you will MANY areas of my existence.  Practice what I preach to my kids.  You know the whole "do unto others...." concept.  I needed to rid my self from negativity which is for sure a work in progress as IT IS EVERYWHERE and so easily creeps into conversations, attitudes, etc....  My focus has been on the Lord and being kind.  It's all really that simple. 

With those things as my focus I've experienced improved relations with my own family, immediate & extended, and with friends.  I smile more (didn't really think that was possible) and make it a point to pass it along to others.  It's simple but it feels good, ...to all involved.  I've come to trust in the Lord and the fact that his timing is perfect.  And give Him props for all the comfort I've received.  When you feel it, the comfort, TRULY feel it, when you're all alone, you know with out a doubt you are in His arms.  *sigh*

As the new year begins I am still amidst several loose ends.  With moms passing my brother & I inherited her 2 properties.  For those of you counting that brings my house total to 4.  That's right 4!  I really only want 1. :)  Both Amboy & Swayzee are listed for sale.  However if I get my way, Swayzee will come off the market until all interior projects are finished.  (oh the life of a wife of a do-it-your-selfer...ugh!)  We're still intending on moving, and would love to be able to do so within the next 3 mos. or so.  Feel free to send up a prayer for patience and a buyer as we continue through this journey.  It is my hope that my brother and his wife will be able to move into moms.  It's would be great to keep it in the family.  That just seems right.  And I'd love for them to really make it their own.  That house has some really neat aspects and great potential.  Prayers for them that it all works out.

We are yet to meet with an endocrinologist for Kathryn.  She had her gallbladder removed in November and pathology indicated she is high risk for Thyroid Cancer...a really rare form of it.  So once again prayers for her are greatly appreciated.  Again props to God, as had she not had the surgery, and pathology test we never would've known the risk.  His timing is perfect as is His plan.

Over the holiday break the greatest bless has just been my family.  Although we tend to venture off into our own spaces and since Christmas electronics have consumed us, we are TOGETHER.   And really that's what matters.  We had Christmas eve as usually with my in-laws and shared not only good food but laughs. (priceless) and returned to their home again on Christmas day after Church services.  The following friday was spent with my brother & his kids, minus one :( and again good food, laughter & memories.  It was all pretty simple yet splendid at the same time.

Obviously this was the first year I had to decorate graves.  I only tended to moms and grandma & grandpas.  I did something different from what mom would've done.  I'm sure it was no surprise to her. ;P  It was a season with out mom.  No open house, no insane amount of decorating, crafts, and panic for it "not all getting done!"  What got done got done.  It was different.  It was simple.  It wasn't about any one of us....It was about the birth of a newborn King.  This year I was truly reflective on that.  This year i was truly appreciative of my family and friends.  This year there was change and it was good. 

As 2012 is upon us I challenge you to live simply, and to simply live.  Share a smile, make a new friend, be a friend, share some kindness.  This year BElieve THEre is GOOD in the world.  A positive change can change the world and it can start with you.  Also, if you don't know Him....I challenge you to seek & find & get to know Him. 
He's waiting.

Happy 2012.  Love to you all & blessing all the year long.

there's still much to be done....

i remember being given a t-shirt when i was a child that said "God isn't finished with me yet".  boy is there ever hope in that statement.  and i'm finding it's one that continues to be true all the while we are on this earthly journey. 
God for sure isn't finished with me.  and for the first time in years i've really felt the changes He has made in me.  and they feel good.  and i notice it in many different areas of my life.  my reaction to others, my call to action and what not.  but mostly i really feel what God is doing in my life when i am faced with a challenging situation.  i've come to realize that what i can fix, control if you will is me and how i choose to respond.  i still get agitated, annoyed and what not but i do believe i've been softened as to how i respond to those things.  i still struggle when i feel as though things are amiss or unfair, when people are mean & vindictive but have learned to look for the lesson in the situation. 
i have to remind myself that there is an ultimate plan.  i have to remind myself that not everyone has a relationship with God that might cause them to react differently.  i have to remind myself to be the example for others.  i have to remind myself daily, but it is getting easier. 
we don't always choose our situation but there is always a lesson to be learned.  this life is one lesson after another. 

i've always enjoyed learning new things and learning to be the best me possible is still a work in progress.  as i mentioned in the opening "God isn't finished with me yet"!  again i give thanks for that and am excited for what is ahead of me.  there's still much to be done but feeling as though i'm on the right track. 

choose joy, pick battles wisely, treat others the way you want to be treated, and if i can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.  with that said, i'll admit, that the last one is a challenge for me.  so i'm working on 1 nice thing to go with whatever not so nice thing that might pass my lips!  ;P  gotta start somewhere. 

keep in mind.....it's a process!

948-5563

Good morning momma!

Well, this past weekend was the 1st weekend in December.  And the 1st in what seems like forever that there was no open house at E & K gift shop.  Weird.  Like most days, it came & went.  It's all been weird really.  I'm not always sure what I'm doing, feeling and not having you there to talk things through is tough. 

The kids are wanting to go to your house for Christmas this year.  I am not.  You're not there.  I just want to take a year off.  The holiday falls on a Sunday this year and I just want to go to church and reflect.  Celebrate what was an then next year implement new traditions.  I felt the same way about Thanksgiving too.  Perhaps I'm being selfish wanting to keep it simple and more reflective.  I don't know. 


This has sure been a year like no other.  Both houses for sale.  Both houses still being remodeled.  Your passing.  Your house yet to go through.  To say it's all overwhelming would be the understatement of the year.

I wanted to tell you "thanks" for being with me.  I feel you near and believe sometimes it's what keeps me going.  You were so strong. 

There are just a few weeks left in this year.  And I'm cautiously optimistic for a new one.  The potential for additional life changes is there for sure.  God knows I've been praying for one in particular to happen.  And if it does, I find it comforting to know you'll know where we land.  So glad I got to show you the house. 

Kinda looking for a sign as to how to handle this Christmas as I just don't know what to do.

I love you too momma and miss you loads. 

I'll call you later.

it's possible to find one.....

So, I'm not totally convinced that finding a job is difficult.  What I am convinced of is ones willingness to do a job.  Now I'm not at all talking careers here, rather the J.O.B.  The part-time gig if you will.  In addition I am convinced that people find themselves above certain jobs.  Really?  And that isn't a sentiment solely exhibited by adults.  Kids, teens, first timers have elevated themselves so high that they are above most entry-level jobs.  Suggest working in fast food to a teen and the "NO WAY" that comes back at you is resounding!   Suggest working for minimum wage and again "NO WAY, i need to make more money than that!"  Last I knew some money was more than no money.  I was also taught that the more hours you put in the more pay you receive.  Novel huh?

Perhaps the biggest dilemma for some is the passing of the drug test.  Now this really takes me to a new level of annoyed!  You don't have a job.  You don't have your own income. Yet you can't pass the drug test.  (or fear you can't)   Really?  how do you pay for your drugs?  ....(insert scenes from Less than Zero & I just don't want to know)  Even more troubling is to think that someone else's money has supported your recreation of choice.  Sad.

I've been fortunate to have many, i repeat MANY job experiences and I can't think of a one that I didn't enjoy at some point.  All were different, new, and brought about a host of different people in my life that I was fortunate enough to learn from.  I can't remember EVER thinking I was above doing any job.  And most times had difficulty even remembering what my pay rate/salary was.

You see, when you open  yourself up to opportunity, the blessing isn't always in the form of a paycheck.  Rather it's in the little things like: doing the job as best you can, sharing a smile with a coworker/customer, listening to others, embracing new situations, learning from a different environment. 

I start a new gig on Monday and feel lucky, blessed and excited to do it.  As I've never been a cashier in a real grocery store before.  I only played one when I was 3 (& 5, 8 & 9 haha).
 :)

Just a few of my gigs in this life:  (in no particular order)

• substitute teacher: madison-grant, marion schools, oak hill schools
• teachers aide: ohjh
• dance teacher: dancers edge, playhouse
• cheer coach: oak hill, bennet
• waitress: max & ermas, pizza hut, chuckwagon, noble romans
• convenience store cashier/clerk
• human resource director
• administrative assistant
• secretary
• doughnut maker
• pizza maker
• kids hope director
• hallmark clerk
• hostess
• log auditor
• direct sales: pampered chef, longenberger, tupperware
• director of marketing
• farm worker planter/harvester of tomatoes :)  (good times)
• and my 1st gig: order taker at Burger King!  :)  & it was fun!

11/29/11

Playing a little catch up if you will....

Well, the 1st of the holidays without mom is under my belt.  And it was weird.  The company was good, as it always is but the spirit of it was amiss.  Truth be told, it's as though my spirit is amiss too.  Something just doesn't seem right, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I will say this Thanksgiving my blessing were more apparent than ever.  I had a loving mom for 45 years.  I have my health.  I have a loving husband.  I have 2 healthy children.  I have a wonderful family and family of in-laws.  We have a home(s) haha.  I am in NEED of nothing.  I have felt the presence of God on more than one occasion.

So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for, and I am, yet there is a void~one left when my momma could no longer hold me in her arms.  It's as simple and as complex as that.  weird.

I can't imagine Christmas as it was her favorite.

With that, it has been a season of firsts.  First time I've not seen the Rocketts perform, first time without mom, first time since married that Andy & I haven't black Friday shopped, first time Kate had a surgical procedure and as I'm typing this outside is blanketed with the first significant snowfall of this fall/winter season.

And yes, i picked up the phone and began to dial Mom to ask her if it was snowing in Fairmount.  (i'll assume it was)  That may sound funny to some but the weather systems for Fairmount and Swayzee are never the same.  We would always get a kick out of that. 

I'm going through the paces all the while I feel as though my family is getting the short end of the stick.  And they are.  They feel it too for they've told me so.  I hate that and am trying to figure out how to change that. 

This for sure is uncharted territory for me which also seems weird because 99.9% of all the other people in my life are still here. 

Some have said i've not yet grieved.  I don't know if I have or not.  What does that look like?  How long does that last?  Does it ever end, subside?  I don't know I can be convinced that I have or have not or if I even know how to.  I've always just....gone on no matter the situation or circumstance. 

Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be alone.  Alone with my thoughts.  Alone with me.  quiet.  Alone with God.  I don't think it's a "depression" thing but rather I feel as though it's perhaps the one thing I do NEED. 

Mom never liked being alone, and now it's the one thing I feel I need the most. 

My wind chimes are chiming...that's her, I just know it.

the struggles with in....& what to let out?

Well, i totally got called out by my 15 year old daughter.  She's of the opinion I don't like being a mom.  I can say that's not so, and be speaking the truth.  The problem...that's how she see's it.  The fix....I don't know and for me that just compounds the problem. 

Truth is, I love being a mom.  I love my kids and feel overwhelmingly blessed to have them.  Truth is it's a job that is multidimensional, ever changing and never finished and extremely rewarding.  The first couple of characteristics I can deal with pretty easily.  I'm pretty darn good at multitasking, and tend to favor change.  It's the never finished part I struggle with.  Not that I want to be done...for that thought is beyond scary, but at times it's overwhelming. 

My struggles come with the other mom duties, housekeeping, cooking, etc.  We learn from our parents and the families we grew up in and typically emulate that style.  Here in lies the problem.  Saturday mornings were for cleaning, done by the children while the parents grocery shopped.  Monday through Friday well, mom cooked, changed the linens, and took Eric to functions.  Seeing as though there's 7 years difference between my brother & I that's what I remember of the "early years" if you will.  As I grew older, it was dad or Eric who took me to my functions and well, seeing as though I was in school, I wasn't sure nor gave thought to what it was mom did during the day.  All I knew was ANY down time was spent cleaning as the Saturday ritual went by the wayside as Eric got older and I NEVER cleaned to her expectations.  EVER.  I remember saying to myself, I would never allow my focus to be solely on cleaning. (& have I been successful with that)

Kathryn pointed out that I enjoyed working at the Chuckwagon more than I did being home & being a mom.  And it caused me to pause & reflect...was there truth in that?  I went in to work, knew what needed to be done, enjoyed the customers, loved meeting new ones, tried to give great service, be kind and attentive, and completed what needed done at the end of the night & went home.  As a result I received great tips, made good friends, and typically had a thoroughly enjoyable evening.  Breaking it down further, ....i was appreciated. 

Now I wouldn't say I'm a needy person.  Accolades typically are not necessary, nor are kudos.  But, knowing your efforts are appreciated to some extent certainly serves as motivation.  ....my motivation is gone. G.O.N.E.   gone. 

Pastors sermon on sunday talked about Saul, and how we did "things" and how we should do them for Christ.  I tell my kids this all the time!  Yet I suffer, daily falling short in this area.  I HATE this about myself.  I'll cook endlessly for others.  I do with out 2nd thoughts for others.  WHY do I struggle doing for the ones I love the most?  WHY am I not driven to be a better mother / wife.  Why? do i suck at being a housewife?

As I contemplate all the WHYS?  I have to remind myself of all the good God has blessed me with.  And those blessings alone should be motivation.  Right? 

Why when the good news is: finished laundry, dinner & spice cake does the bad news have to be: the "right" things didn't get washed & the cake isn't chocolate?  Why to we lash out at the ones we love the most?  (universal ? i know)  

I took from my example the most basic premise....to love.  And that I do with all my heart.  I have taken from what I knew and sorted through all the stuff to come up with the kind of mom/wife I think is true to who I am.  Yet I fall short of successfully completing the job.  What I have been successful at is listening, encouraging, allowing room to grow, acceptance, tolerance, adaptability, supporting, and developing the relationships I hold most dear.  For all my wrongs, my kids still enjoy time with the "rents", haven't chosen destructive behaviors, do pretty well in school, love the Lord, are good friends, have a servants heart and value family.  Surely that says something.  Because I'm pretty sure when I was their age I only valued myself. 

I am prayerful someday I'll get it together.  And with luck, it won't be too late.  In the mean time I'll ask for your prayers too.  With out a doubt this is the toughest, most rewarding job I'll ever do.  And truly cannot do it alone. 

In the mean time I'll hold onto my hopes & dreams and perhaps someday.......the simplicity of my dreams will come true.  Perhaps someday I'll be successful at the job I hold most dear!

9485563

Hey mom!  you know when you need to ask someone a question but sense you know the answer before hand so  you really don't want to ask the question...  ??  well, i was driving somewhere the other day & of course the first thing i started to do was call you.  i knew you wouldn't pickup.  and figured for sure the answering machine wouldn't either as eric was to have the phone turned off.  and for certain i didn't want to hear "the number you have dialed has been changed or disconnected".  yet sure enough i dialed home.  948-5563.  and guess what!  the customer i was trying to reach has a mail box that is full.  i need to try my call again!!  haha!  i laughed and cried.  with out a doubt your mailbox is full....even funnier, we never could figure out how to get that damn thing to play back messages. hahahaha!  oh well, so i'm calling now.

i'm not going any where but wanted to call earlier.  and just at the same time i had the desire to, i saw you.  just enough to know you were with me.  it was good to see you smile. 

kate might have to have surgery and matt has very sore ankles.  so needless to say, aside from our vaca at the beginning of the month november is being difficult.  in addition, i've quit at the chuck and miss it terribly.  but the kids want/need me here and with andy gone every other week and basketball season starting it was just too difficult to be everywhere i needed to be.  family first right?!  i'm hoping to find a new gig during the day.  need to get stuff together to return to subbing possibly.  idk, really just trusting in the Lord that i end up where i need to be. 

eric & i were talking about dad earlier this week.  you know how weird it was to drive through his home town and not attempt contact.  ...really weird.  but truthfully i wouldn't have known what to say.  really the only thing i can figure out regarding our relationship or rather lack there of is that Kaye is threatened.  and probably always has been.  he's in a hard place really.  has had to sacrifice much as a result of his choices, i have to wonder if it is really all he signed up for.  regardless, it's his bed.  eric seemed to think if he were to pass i'd have regrets.  i've thought long and hard about that.  and i don't think so.  i love him.  i've told him that and i've told him i wish him happiness.  and since doing so i've not had any communication from him to me, so i've done all i can do.  i feel any more would be fruitless & hurtful more so to my family (kate & matt) then me.  for i don't want them totally hating him.  as it is now he's a non-factor. 

it snowed yesterday.  :)  and today you've been gone 3 months.  it just doesn't seem possible.  i miss you terribly.  however, this is the time of year we will certainly celebrate your legacy!  Christmas carols, stockings, gift giving, & just good old giving to others!  certainly the magical spirit of Christmas was within you.

missing you more every day.  so glad you're whole again.  keep watch over my husband & kids please. 
love you too!
kel

i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart...

& now it's time to bring it to the surface.  the joy that is.  you know the song.  you probably sang it often as a child.  so now i'm challenging you to revisit the song and bring up the joy that resides 'down in your heart'.

you know it's a choice right?  JOY.  it's a matter of perspective. 

give yourself a month of joyful perspective and see if your outlook, frame of mind doesn't take a turn for the better.

may your heart be overflowing with joy.  for you have much to be joyful for.

you know how....

when you feel certain feelings towards others?  you question their motives, actions, words.  you find yourself uncomfortable with their decision making abilities and the reasoning they offer up as explanation.  ever have those moments?  i do.  i'd like to say not often, however it would be more accurate for me to say not with regard to many people or many institutions.  and then.....then there is that moment when someone(s) you do respect, admire, feel confident in, without warning and better yet unsolicited comes up to you and VALIDATES all you've been feeling.  WOW!  it's a good feeling and an upsetting one all rolled up into one big yuck ball of feelings/emotion.  especially when those of concern at the heart of the matter are directly involved with our children.  i need to be clear...i in no way believe children are in danger, otherwise i'd not be blogging rather i'd be raising all kinds of HELLo!  and in my heart of  hearts i have to think that somewhere along the way their path has gone astray. 

one trait i have and perhaps suffer from is just assuming intentions are good, people are nice & compassionate, they have others interest in mind as well as their own, and at no time would someone intentionally be calculated and mean.  anyone of you ever make that wrongful assumption?  when proven wrong....i am sickened to the core.  and like most all things i experience in this life and don't fully understand ....i turn to God and converse with Him. 

He doesn't magically make the problem or the person go away, however time and time again he has put another in my path, one who hasn't let me down and over the course of conversation confirms to me that i'm on the right track with my feelings.  which in turn results in additional conversation with me asking Him, "now what do i do with that?" 

thus far i've concluded these things:

1. sadly not all people have good intentions
2. not all people, irregardless of their position have your best interest at heart
3. listen to your gut instincts
4. don't seek validation from other for how you feel about someone or something....(it'll come on it's own)
5. this too shall pass...

life is a continual lesson.  we never stop learning and the teachers don't always have the best of intentions nor do administrators of life.  and experiencing bad with good, good with bad, will never end.  the true testament to the kind of person you are or aspire to be is how you handle the lesson at hand and what you learn from it. 

with that said....everyday i celebrate a little bit more because jr. high is drawing to a close for the van ness family!  WOO HOO!!!!! 

you showed up.... :)

I'm not quite sure how to put it into words because to some it would seem impossible, to others crazy, to others plausible and to me it was just amazing.

Yesterday I called 'home' and talked to mom.  It was a short covo in part because I just miss her so and really you can only communicate that in so many ways.  So after talking to her I set out for a relaxing bath to start my day.  Once that process was over and some time spent playing with the pooches, PJ & I decided to tease Ike so we hopped up onto the bed and taunted him because he didn't have the necessary spring in his step to join us.  Pooped out from playing both dogs sacked out as did I. 

I recall thinking I'd just close my eyes for a moment as I had things to do, an appointment to go to and then get the kids & go to work.  So I closed my eyes.  And I remember thinking I should wake up, get up but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it.  So I resolved to awaken when the church bells chimed.  I'm not sure how much time had passed really, but at the chiming of the bells I awoke.  The first thing I did was wipe my cheeks and feel the pillow case .....both were dry.

How could it be?  They were sure to have been dampened from all my tears.  For while I was 'sleeping' my mom came and held me.  I vividly remember rocking back and forth in her arms.  I remember sobbing on her shoulder.  So happy to see her, so happy to hold her, so happy to be held by her.  We remained entwined for sometime and tears of joy never stopped flowing.  It would've been impossible for my eyes to not have been puffy and my pillow case to not be soaked. 

Yet dry as a bone.  At the sound of the church chimes I awoke.  Refreshed, renewed and with just enough time to get going on my day.  I felt so comforted. 

I don't have any logical 'this world' explanation for what i experienced.  I just know it happened.  It eased my cares.  It comforted my soul.  And left me longing for more. 

I don't know that I saw my moms face.  I only know I knew her touch, smell, the soothing feeling you get from a mom.  I felt my hair being brushed back from my face and the tears being wiped away.  I am unsure if I went away for a moment of if the moment came to me but regardless it was a moment I'll treasure.

She showed up....that's what moms do. & yes!  she's amazing.

9485563

Good morning momma!  I've gotta tell you we've had a couple of weeks worth of days that you would love love love.  I can't remember when the colors have been so beautiful.  Life is still as crazy as ever.  I'm sure without a doubt that you know that though. 

You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me.  ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true.  I call....

Kids and I miss you loads.  I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you.  I am sure that surprises you a bit.  Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them.  Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact. 

The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet.  I don't know if/when it will. 

I read the book Heaven is For Real.  I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again.  Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand.  I think you were the softest person I ever knew. 

Please keep watch over us but especially my kids. 

love you & miss you.