Yes you read the title correct and it's not a metaphor for anything it's straight up FACT :/
My knees are fat.
So are other parts, i'm not delusional, but really my Knees!!! how does that happen? Does your body say to it's self "whoa there! belly is maxed out, so it her hind end so keep on moving boys, (boys are the cause of fat, i'm sure so therefore for fat will be identified as male) there you go....just a little farther, as others are sure to follow and will surely deposit themselves in her thighs, so it's the knees for you" Really, this has got to be the dialogue that takes place.
Even at my chubbiest i've never really had body image issues. I've always been pretty happy just the way I am. I grew up with 2 heavy set parents. One, my father never seemed to give it much thought. Probably because he was the smallest in his family as they were all really large. My mom on the other hand was "big boned", the product of 2 relatively small people and never seemed happy in her own skin. Ever. :( I even over heard her once tell a friend on the phone "i never wanted to have a girl because i never wanted her to be big like me." Mind you when i overheard this convo I was far from large. As in miles away. Dr.'s used to tell me i needed to gain weight! (can you imagine) If they could see me now & what success i've become! ;p haha
I look at it this way, I'm not the biggest, nor the smallest. I'm me and whatever the size, pound, etc...I am who I am. At no point has my shape, size ever defined me nor do i believe it ever will.
But really? My knees.! ahaha I really have to laugh about it because ...well, frankly i find it amusing. Curiously amusing. What's next? My ankles...thus becoming cankles? And if fat, thick or full ankles are cankles what does that make my fat, thick knees? cknees? (jw)
I came painfully aware of my cknees when the "fat" surrounding my knee cap continued to move once i became idol. really? YES! I was so astonished that i tested what i was feeling, and sure enough ....continued movement. drat! haha
So, as a result of my recent discovery of my cknees and in a attempt to avoid cankles, i have resumed my exercise program: zumba & walking! I'm in search of the day when i wrap up a zumba routine and my cknees STOP moving too! And who knows with luck....the more important result will be achieved....an improved over all health.
You see, God has added one more day to this year to accomplish my goal...it's as though He's said "ok, you just need a bit more time!....you got it! in the form of Feb. 29! Now get to it!" So I'm off on a mission. (& better yet, i'm not alone!)
Hello & goodbye cknees! :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
books
Who here likes to read? Who here enjoys a good laugh? Who here has a sense of humor? ME ME ME.
I must contribute my love of reading to my friend Marsha Vermilion. (shout out!) She's my English/Lit teacher friend who reestablished in me the need for a good read. I explained to her my problem, I need to be hooked right away, and with out much thought or consideration she gave me Fine Things by Danielle Steele. I only know it was by Danielle Steele and remember that for two reasons, 1) i looked to see who the author was & 2) Marsha lent the book to me with a disclaimer that 'she typically wouldn't recommend a Danielle Steele book but that this was good from cover to cover', or something along those lines. And there you have it. I like to read.
My preferred genre seems somewhat all over the place but mostly light hearted. Many of you know for 4 years I worked in a Jr. High setting and with many kids who found reading a challenge. And the occasional teen who actually enjoyed it. Due to my circumstance I began to read books that would appeal to teens and would make my recommendations. So much so that I acquired quite a library of books, primarily for teen girls. In addition my daughter is quite the reader, however she has a tendency to NOT read any of my suggestions. Since I also worked with some boys I would force myself to read "boy stuff" just so I could assist them some too. Again, my son is quite a reader and we have ZERO similarities in our preferred taste in books. ho hum. It's all really ironic that my kids and I don't share the same taste in books, as it was my initial panic that someday I'll have raised an illiterate kid, one who detests books and who will inevitably suffer through school/college because they hated to read. Whew, crisis averted!
After having left the school (happy day) I continued my teen genre but soon realized I had zero to converse about with friends who were readers and therefore it was time to move on.
On to my grown up reading. As I'm blogging about this I'm desperately trying to remember the first 'adult' read. All though the title escapes me, I remember being shocked by the adult content. ...remember i'd been in "G" mode for some time. :) And then one day while walking with my girlfriend Heather Nestleroad something I said made her chuckle and she commented that I reminded her of an author she has read, Jen Lancaster, and that I should read her books. Ironically, later that week Ms. Lancaster was on the Today show promoting her current (at the time) memoir, My Fair Lazy and as they say the rest is history. I began with book one, if you will, Bitter Is The New Black, and consequently followed it up with the remaining 4: Bright Lights, Big Ass, Such A Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid, and My Fair Lazy. I was hooked from the first line. YAY as that is what it takes for me. She has also completed a novel, If You Were Here and it too provided great reading enjoyment. For my between books Jen Lancaster fix I follow her blog at Jennsylvania.com. An 80's girl, home grown - 1984 Huntington North grad, who tends to say what many think she's sure to make you chuckle. And If you too are an 80's chick who couldn't wait for the next John Hughes movie, her books are a must read.
In addition to the above mentioned author, I've also read some of her book suggestions and so far so good. Good Enough to Eat, by Stacey Ballis is just one of her recommendations and I to will recommend it. It's light hearted read and certainly provided chuckles. Karyn Bosnak is also quite enjoyable. Twenty Times A Lady was made into a movie (What's Your Number) and Save Karyn is oh so relate-able and will leave you wondering "why didn't I think of that". Currently I'm reading With A Little Luck by Caprice Crane. As I am only on chapter 4 a thorough review is unavailable, however, so far so good!
I call the above books and suggested read from Lancaster 'chick flick' books. They're entertaining and relate-able on some level. There's humor for sure so if you're void of any, (odd that you're here) so you might ignore all my suggestions and still with the daily newspaper.
On occasion I'll venture into the Historical Fiction genre. I love medieval reads, anything to do with the Salem Witch trials and the Holocaust. Want a suggestion or have one to share just let me know.
After mom passed I read Heaven is For Real. Comforting, encouraging and hopeful the book really brought life and death into perspective for me. If you've lost a loved one this is a must read.
I enjoy quick, light hearted reads that make me smile and laugh and even on occasion shed a tear. And if it isn't apparent to you yet I mostly enjoy the laughter. So, if you're in search of a chuckle, and wonder where to begin, reread paragraph 5 and start with book 1. Keep in mind...a sense of humor is required.
HAPPY READING
I must contribute my love of reading to my friend Marsha Vermilion. (shout out!) She's my English/Lit teacher friend who reestablished in me the need for a good read. I explained to her my problem, I need to be hooked right away, and with out much thought or consideration she gave me Fine Things by Danielle Steele. I only know it was by Danielle Steele and remember that for two reasons, 1) i looked to see who the author was & 2) Marsha lent the book to me with a disclaimer that 'she typically wouldn't recommend a Danielle Steele book but that this was good from cover to cover', or something along those lines. And there you have it. I like to read.
My preferred genre seems somewhat all over the place but mostly light hearted. Many of you know for 4 years I worked in a Jr. High setting and with many kids who found reading a challenge. And the occasional teen who actually enjoyed it. Due to my circumstance I began to read books that would appeal to teens and would make my recommendations. So much so that I acquired quite a library of books, primarily for teen girls. In addition my daughter is quite the reader, however she has a tendency to NOT read any of my suggestions. Since I also worked with some boys I would force myself to read "boy stuff" just so I could assist them some too. Again, my son is quite a reader and we have ZERO similarities in our preferred taste in books. ho hum. It's all really ironic that my kids and I don't share the same taste in books, as it was my initial panic that someday I'll have raised an illiterate kid, one who detests books and who will inevitably suffer through school/college because they hated to read. Whew, crisis averted!
After having left the school (happy day) I continued my teen genre but soon realized I had zero to converse about with friends who were readers and therefore it was time to move on.
On to my grown up reading. As I'm blogging about this I'm desperately trying to remember the first 'adult' read. All though the title escapes me, I remember being shocked by the adult content. ...remember i'd been in "G" mode for some time. :) And then one day while walking with my girlfriend Heather Nestleroad something I said made her chuckle and she commented that I reminded her of an author she has read, Jen Lancaster, and that I should read her books. Ironically, later that week Ms. Lancaster was on the Today show promoting her current (at the time) memoir, My Fair Lazy and as they say the rest is history. I began with book one, if you will, Bitter Is The New Black, and consequently followed it up with the remaining 4: Bright Lights, Big Ass, Such A Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid, and My Fair Lazy. I was hooked from the first line. YAY as that is what it takes for me. She has also completed a novel, If You Were Here and it too provided great reading enjoyment. For my between books Jen Lancaster fix I follow her blog at Jennsylvania.com. An 80's girl, home grown - 1984 Huntington North grad, who tends to say what many think she's sure to make you chuckle. And If you too are an 80's chick who couldn't wait for the next John Hughes movie, her books are a must read.
In addition to the above mentioned author, I've also read some of her book suggestions and so far so good. Good Enough to Eat, by Stacey Ballis is just one of her recommendations and I to will recommend it. It's light hearted read and certainly provided chuckles. Karyn Bosnak is also quite enjoyable. Twenty Times A Lady was made into a movie (What's Your Number) and Save Karyn is oh so relate-able and will leave you wondering "why didn't I think of that". Currently I'm reading With A Little Luck by Caprice Crane. As I am only on chapter 4 a thorough review is unavailable, however, so far so good!
I call the above books and suggested read from Lancaster 'chick flick' books. They're entertaining and relate-able on some level. There's humor for sure so if you're void of any, (odd that you're here) so you might ignore all my suggestions and still with the daily newspaper.
On occasion I'll venture into the Historical Fiction genre. I love medieval reads, anything to do with the Salem Witch trials and the Holocaust. Want a suggestion or have one to share just let me know.
After mom passed I read Heaven is For Real. Comforting, encouraging and hopeful the book really brought life and death into perspective for me. If you've lost a loved one this is a must read.
I enjoy quick, light hearted reads that make me smile and laugh and even on occasion shed a tear. And if it isn't apparent to you yet I mostly enjoy the laughter. So, if you're in search of a chuckle, and wonder where to begin, reread paragraph 5 and start with book 1. Keep in mind...a sense of humor is required.
HAPPY READING
Monday, January 2, 2012
wrap up
Well the Holiday season came & went. That just about sums it up really. No pomp and very little holiday cheer if you will. Many friends, acquaintances stopped me to inquire if I ever got around to putting up a tree. Yes, 3 days before the big day.
Really since July 22nd my mind has been foggy yet reflective, my heart broken yet beating and my world...well it didn't crumble. It changed. It shifted. Not like our current president "change" but good & necessary change. Some of you might wonder how I could begin to classify the change brought about by the passing of my mother good. Well, it's really rather simple. She's no longer in pain. She no longer is confined by her disabilities. She is no longer alone. But for me, most importantly she cartwheeled all the way through the pearly gates. That I am sure of.
The necessary aspect of change brought about in my world since this summer has been the personal transformation that I seem to be experiencing. It's on going. As it has 45 years of walls, habits, attitudes, etc that need broken down, tweaked, adjusted and built back up. Probably the most apparent aspect of this life that I needed to work on, focus on is the simplicity of what is expected from me. (from all of us really.) I've realized I needed to declutter, if you will MANY areas of my existence. Practice what I preach to my kids. You know the whole "do unto others...." concept. I needed to rid my self from negativity which is for sure a work in progress as IT IS EVERYWHERE and so easily creeps into conversations, attitudes, etc.... My focus has been on the Lord and being kind. It's all really that simple.
With those things as my focus I've experienced improved relations with my own family, immediate & extended, and with friends. I smile more (didn't really think that was possible) and make it a point to pass it along to others. It's simple but it feels good, ...to all involved. I've come to trust in the Lord and the fact that his timing is perfect. And give Him props for all the comfort I've received. When you feel it, the comfort, TRULY feel it, when you're all alone, you know with out a doubt you are in His arms. *sigh*
As the new year begins I am still amidst several loose ends. With moms passing my brother & I inherited her 2 properties. For those of you counting that brings my house total to 4. That's right 4! I really only want 1. :) Both Amboy & Swayzee are listed for sale. However if I get my way, Swayzee will come off the market until all interior projects are finished. (oh the life of a wife of a do-it-your-selfer...ugh!) We're still intending on moving, and would love to be able to do so within the next 3 mos. or so. Feel free to send up a prayer for patience and a buyer as we continue through this journey. It is my hope that my brother and his wife will be able to move into moms. It's would be great to keep it in the family. That just seems right. And I'd love for them to really make it their own. That house has some really neat aspects and great potential. Prayers for them that it all works out.
We are yet to meet with an endocrinologist for Kathryn. She had her gallbladder removed in November and pathology indicated she is high risk for Thyroid Cancer...a really rare form of it. So once again prayers for her are greatly appreciated. Again props to God, as had she not had the surgery, and pathology test we never would've known the risk. His timing is perfect as is His plan.
Over the holiday break the greatest bless has just been my family. Although we tend to venture off into our own spaces and since Christmas electronics have consumed us, we are TOGETHER. And really that's what matters. We had Christmas eve as usually with my in-laws and shared not only good food but laughs. (priceless) and returned to their home again on Christmas day after Church services. The following friday was spent with my brother & his kids, minus one :( and again good food, laughter & memories. It was all pretty simple yet splendid at the same time.
Obviously this was the first year I had to decorate graves. I only tended to moms and grandma & grandpas. I did something different from what mom would've done. I'm sure it was no surprise to her. ;P It was a season with out mom. No open house, no insane amount of decorating, crafts, and panic for it "not all getting done!" What got done got done. It was different. It was simple. It wasn't about any one of us....It was about the birth of a newborn King. This year I was truly reflective on that. This year i was truly appreciative of my family and friends. This year there was change and it was good.
As 2012 is upon us I challenge you to live simply, and to simply live. Share a smile, make a new friend, be a friend, share some kindness. This year BElieve THEre is GOOD in the world. A positive change can change the world and it can start with you. Also, if you don't know Him....I challenge you to seek & find & get to know Him.
He's waiting.
Happy 2012. Love to you all & blessing all the year long.
Really since July 22nd my mind has been foggy yet reflective, my heart broken yet beating and my world...well it didn't crumble. It changed. It shifted. Not like our current president "change" but good & necessary change. Some of you might wonder how I could begin to classify the change brought about by the passing of my mother good. Well, it's really rather simple. She's no longer in pain. She no longer is confined by her disabilities. She is no longer alone. But for me, most importantly she cartwheeled all the way through the pearly gates. That I am sure of.
The necessary aspect of change brought about in my world since this summer has been the personal transformation that I seem to be experiencing. It's on going. As it has 45 years of walls, habits, attitudes, etc that need broken down, tweaked, adjusted and built back up. Probably the most apparent aspect of this life that I needed to work on, focus on is the simplicity of what is expected from me. (from all of us really.) I've realized I needed to declutter, if you will MANY areas of my existence. Practice what I preach to my kids. You know the whole "do unto others...." concept. I needed to rid my self from negativity which is for sure a work in progress as IT IS EVERYWHERE and so easily creeps into conversations, attitudes, etc.... My focus has been on the Lord and being kind. It's all really that simple.
With those things as my focus I've experienced improved relations with my own family, immediate & extended, and with friends. I smile more (didn't really think that was possible) and make it a point to pass it along to others. It's simple but it feels good, ...to all involved. I've come to trust in the Lord and the fact that his timing is perfect. And give Him props for all the comfort I've received. When you feel it, the comfort, TRULY feel it, when you're all alone, you know with out a doubt you are in His arms. *sigh*
As the new year begins I am still amidst several loose ends. With moms passing my brother & I inherited her 2 properties. For those of you counting that brings my house total to 4. That's right 4! I really only want 1. :) Both Amboy & Swayzee are listed for sale. However if I get my way, Swayzee will come off the market until all interior projects are finished. (oh the life of a wife of a do-it-your-selfer...ugh!) We're still intending on moving, and would love to be able to do so within the next 3 mos. or so. Feel free to send up a prayer for patience and a buyer as we continue through this journey. It is my hope that my brother and his wife will be able to move into moms. It's would be great to keep it in the family. That just seems right. And I'd love for them to really make it their own. That house has some really neat aspects and great potential. Prayers for them that it all works out.
We are yet to meet with an endocrinologist for Kathryn. She had her gallbladder removed in November and pathology indicated she is high risk for Thyroid Cancer...a really rare form of it. So once again prayers for her are greatly appreciated. Again props to God, as had she not had the surgery, and pathology test we never would've known the risk. His timing is perfect as is His plan.
Over the holiday break the greatest bless has just been my family. Although we tend to venture off into our own spaces and since Christmas electronics have consumed us, we are TOGETHER. And really that's what matters. We had Christmas eve as usually with my in-laws and shared not only good food but laughs. (priceless) and returned to their home again on Christmas day after Church services. The following friday was spent with my brother & his kids, minus one :( and again good food, laughter & memories. It was all pretty simple yet splendid at the same time.
Obviously this was the first year I had to decorate graves. I only tended to moms and grandma & grandpas. I did something different from what mom would've done. I'm sure it was no surprise to her. ;P It was a season with out mom. No open house, no insane amount of decorating, crafts, and panic for it "not all getting done!" What got done got done. It was different. It was simple. It wasn't about any one of us....It was about the birth of a newborn King. This year I was truly reflective on that. This year i was truly appreciative of my family and friends. This year there was change and it was good.
As 2012 is upon us I challenge you to live simply, and to simply live. Share a smile, make a new friend, be a friend, share some kindness. This year BElieve THEre is GOOD in the world. A positive change can change the world and it can start with you. Also, if you don't know Him....I challenge you to seek & find & get to know Him.
He's waiting.
Happy 2012. Love to you all & blessing all the year long.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
there's still much to be done....
i remember being given a t-shirt when i was a child that said "God isn't finished with me yet". boy is there ever hope in that statement. and i'm finding it's one that continues to be true all the while we are on this earthly journey.
God for sure isn't finished with me. and for the first time in years i've really felt the changes He has made in me. and they feel good. and i notice it in many different areas of my life. my reaction to others, my call to action and what not. but mostly i really feel what God is doing in my life when i am faced with a challenging situation. i've come to realize that what i can fix, control if you will is me and how i choose to respond. i still get agitated, annoyed and what not but i do believe i've been softened as to how i respond to those things. i still struggle when i feel as though things are amiss or unfair, when people are mean & vindictive but have learned to look for the lesson in the situation.
i have to remind myself that there is an ultimate plan. i have to remind myself that not everyone has a relationship with God that might cause them to react differently. i have to remind myself to be the example for others. i have to remind myself daily, but it is getting easier.
we don't always choose our situation but there is always a lesson to be learned. this life is one lesson after another.
i've always enjoyed learning new things and learning to be the best me possible is still a work in progress. as i mentioned in the opening "God isn't finished with me yet"! again i give thanks for that and am excited for what is ahead of me. there's still much to be done but feeling as though i'm on the right track.
choose joy, pick battles wisely, treat others the way you want to be treated, and if i can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. with that said, i'll admit, that the last one is a challenge for me. so i'm working on 1 nice thing to go with whatever not so nice thing that might pass my lips! ;P gotta start somewhere.
keep in mind.....it's a process!
God for sure isn't finished with me. and for the first time in years i've really felt the changes He has made in me. and they feel good. and i notice it in many different areas of my life. my reaction to others, my call to action and what not. but mostly i really feel what God is doing in my life when i am faced with a challenging situation. i've come to realize that what i can fix, control if you will is me and how i choose to respond. i still get agitated, annoyed and what not but i do believe i've been softened as to how i respond to those things. i still struggle when i feel as though things are amiss or unfair, when people are mean & vindictive but have learned to look for the lesson in the situation.
i have to remind myself that there is an ultimate plan. i have to remind myself that not everyone has a relationship with God that might cause them to react differently. i have to remind myself to be the example for others. i have to remind myself daily, but it is getting easier.
we don't always choose our situation but there is always a lesson to be learned. this life is one lesson after another.
i've always enjoyed learning new things and learning to be the best me possible is still a work in progress. as i mentioned in the opening "God isn't finished with me yet"! again i give thanks for that and am excited for what is ahead of me. there's still much to be done but feeling as though i'm on the right track.
choose joy, pick battles wisely, treat others the way you want to be treated, and if i can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. with that said, i'll admit, that the last one is a challenge for me. so i'm working on 1 nice thing to go with whatever not so nice thing that might pass my lips! ;P gotta start somewhere.
keep in mind.....it's a process!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
948-5563
Good morning momma!
Well, this past weekend was the 1st weekend in December. And the 1st in what seems like forever that there was no open house at E & K gift shop. Weird. Like most days, it came & went. It's all been weird really. I'm not always sure what I'm doing, feeling and not having you there to talk things through is tough.
The kids are wanting to go to your house for Christmas this year. I am not. You're not there. I just want to take a year off. The holiday falls on a Sunday this year and I just want to go to church and reflect. Celebrate what was an then next year implement new traditions. I felt the same way about Thanksgiving too. Perhaps I'm being selfish wanting to keep it simple and more reflective. I don't know.
This has sure been a year like no other. Both houses for sale. Both houses still being remodeled. Your passing. Your house yet to go through. To say it's all overwhelming would be the understatement of the year.
I wanted to tell you "thanks" for being with me. I feel you near and believe sometimes it's what keeps me going. You were so strong.
There are just a few weeks left in this year. And I'm cautiously optimistic for a new one. The potential for additional life changes is there for sure. God knows I've been praying for one in particular to happen. And if it does, I find it comforting to know you'll know where we land. So glad I got to show you the house.
Kinda looking for a sign as to how to handle this Christmas as I just don't know what to do.
I love you too momma and miss you loads.
I'll call you later.
Well, this past weekend was the 1st weekend in December. And the 1st in what seems like forever that there was no open house at E & K gift shop. Weird. Like most days, it came & went. It's all been weird really. I'm not always sure what I'm doing, feeling and not having you there to talk things through is tough.
The kids are wanting to go to your house for Christmas this year. I am not. You're not there. I just want to take a year off. The holiday falls on a Sunday this year and I just want to go to church and reflect. Celebrate what was an then next year implement new traditions. I felt the same way about Thanksgiving too. Perhaps I'm being selfish wanting to keep it simple and more reflective. I don't know.
This has sure been a year like no other. Both houses for sale. Both houses still being remodeled. Your passing. Your house yet to go through. To say it's all overwhelming would be the understatement of the year.
I wanted to tell you "thanks" for being with me. I feel you near and believe sometimes it's what keeps me going. You were so strong.
There are just a few weeks left in this year. And I'm cautiously optimistic for a new one. The potential for additional life changes is there for sure. God knows I've been praying for one in particular to happen. And if it does, I find it comforting to know you'll know where we land. So glad I got to show you the house.
Kinda looking for a sign as to how to handle this Christmas as I just don't know what to do.
I love you too momma and miss you loads.
I'll call you later.
Friday, December 2, 2011
it's possible to find one.....
So, I'm not totally convinced that finding a job is difficult. What I am convinced of is ones willingness to do a job. Now I'm not at all talking careers here, rather the J.O.B. The part-time gig if you will. In addition I am convinced that people find themselves above certain jobs. Really? And that isn't a sentiment solely exhibited by adults. Kids, teens, first timers have elevated themselves so high that they are above most entry-level jobs. Suggest working in fast food to a teen and the "NO WAY" that comes back at you is resounding! Suggest working for minimum wage and again "NO WAY, i need to make more money than that!" Last I knew some money was more than no money. I was also taught that the more hours you put in the more pay you receive. Novel huh?
Perhaps the biggest dilemma for some is the passing of the drug test. Now this really takes me to a new level of annoyed! You don't have a job. You don't have your own income. Yet you can't pass the drug test. (or fear you can't) Really? how do you pay for your drugs? ....(insert scenes from Less than Zero & I just don't want to know) Even more troubling is to think that someone else's money has supported your recreation of choice. Sad.
I've been fortunate to have many, i repeat MANY job experiences and I can't think of a one that I didn't enjoy at some point. All were different, new, and brought about a host of different people in my life that I was fortunate enough to learn from. I can't remember EVER thinking I was above doing any job. And most times had difficulty even remembering what my pay rate/salary was.
You see, when you open yourself up to opportunity, the blessing isn't always in the form of a paycheck. Rather it's in the little things like: doing the job as best you can, sharing a smile with a coworker/customer, listening to others, embracing new situations, learning from a different environment.
I start a new gig on Monday and feel lucky, blessed and excited to do it. As I've never been a cashier in a real grocery store before. I only played one when I was 3 (& 5, 8 & 9 haha).
:)
Just a few of my gigs in this life: (in no particular order)
Perhaps the biggest dilemma for some is the passing of the drug test. Now this really takes me to a new level of annoyed! You don't have a job. You don't have your own income. Yet you can't pass the drug test. (or fear you can't) Really? how do you pay for your drugs? ....(insert scenes from Less than Zero & I just don't want to know) Even more troubling is to think that someone else's money has supported your recreation of choice. Sad.
I've been fortunate to have many, i repeat MANY job experiences and I can't think of a one that I didn't enjoy at some point. All were different, new, and brought about a host of different people in my life that I was fortunate enough to learn from. I can't remember EVER thinking I was above doing any job. And most times had difficulty even remembering what my pay rate/salary was.
You see, when you open yourself up to opportunity, the blessing isn't always in the form of a paycheck. Rather it's in the little things like: doing the job as best you can, sharing a smile with a coworker/customer, listening to others, embracing new situations, learning from a different environment.
I start a new gig on Monday and feel lucky, blessed and excited to do it. As I've never been a cashier in a real grocery store before. I only played one when I was 3 (& 5, 8 & 9 haha).
:)
Just a few of my gigs in this life: (in no particular order)
- substitute teacher: madison-grant, marion schools, oak hill schools
- teachers aide: ohjh
- dance teacher: dancers edge, playhouse
- cheer coach: oak hill, bennet
- waitress: max & ermas, pizza hut, chuckwagon, noble romans
- convenience store cashier/clerk
- human resource director
- administrative assistant
- secretary
- doughnut maker
- pizza maker
- kids hope director
- hallmark clerk
- hostess
- log auditor
- direct sales: pampered chef, longenberger, tupperware
- director of marketing
- farm worker planter/harvester of tomatoes :) (good times)
- and my 1st gig: order taker at Burger King! :) & it was fun!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
11/29/11
Playing a little catch up if you will....
Well, the 1st of the holidays without mom is under my belt. And it was weird. The company was good, as it always is but the spirit of it was amiss. Truth be told, it's as though my spirit is amiss too. Something just doesn't seem right, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I will say this Thanksgiving my blessing were more apparent than ever. I had a loving mom for 45 years. I have my health. I have a loving husband. I have 2 healthy children. I have a wonderful family and family of in-laws. We have a home(s) haha. I am in NEED of nothing. I have felt the presence of God on more than one occasion.
So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for, and I am, yet there is a void~one left when my momma could no longer hold me in her arms. It's as simple and as complex as that. weird.
I can't imagine Christmas as it was her favorite.
With that, it has been a season of firsts. First time I've not seen the Rocketts perform, first time without mom, first time since married that Andy & I haven't black Friday shopped, first time Kate had a surgical procedure and as I'm typing this outside is blanketed with the first significant snowfall of this fall/winter season.
And yes, i picked up the phone and began to dial Mom to ask her if it was snowing in Fairmount. (i'll assume it was) That may sound funny to some but the weather systems for Fairmount and Swayzee are never the same. We would always get a kick out of that.
I'm going through the paces all the while I feel as though my family is getting the short end of the stick. And they are. They feel it too for they've told me so. I hate that and am trying to figure out how to change that.
This for sure is uncharted territory for me which also seems weird because 99.9% of all the other people in my life are still here.
Some have said i've not yet grieved. I don't know if I have or not. What does that look like? How long does that last? Does it ever end, subside? I don't know I can be convinced that I have or have not or if I even know how to. I've always just....gone on no matter the situation or circumstance.
Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with me. quiet. Alone with God. I don't think it's a "depression" thing but rather I feel as though it's perhaps the one thing I do NEED.
Mom never liked being alone, and now it's the one thing I feel I need the most.
My wind chimes are chiming...that's her, I just know it.
Well, the 1st of the holidays without mom is under my belt. And it was weird. The company was good, as it always is but the spirit of it was amiss. Truth be told, it's as though my spirit is amiss too. Something just doesn't seem right, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I will say this Thanksgiving my blessing were more apparent than ever. I had a loving mom for 45 years. I have my health. I have a loving husband. I have 2 healthy children. I have a wonderful family and family of in-laws. We have a home(s) haha. I am in NEED of nothing. I have felt the presence of God on more than one occasion.
So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for, and I am, yet there is a void~one left when my momma could no longer hold me in her arms. It's as simple and as complex as that. weird.
I can't imagine Christmas as it was her favorite.
With that, it has been a season of firsts. First time I've not seen the Rocketts perform, first time without mom, first time since married that Andy & I haven't black Friday shopped, first time Kate had a surgical procedure and as I'm typing this outside is blanketed with the first significant snowfall of this fall/winter season.
And yes, i picked up the phone and began to dial Mom to ask her if it was snowing in Fairmount. (i'll assume it was) That may sound funny to some but the weather systems for Fairmount and Swayzee are never the same. We would always get a kick out of that.
I'm going through the paces all the while I feel as though my family is getting the short end of the stick. And they are. They feel it too for they've told me so. I hate that and am trying to figure out how to change that.
This for sure is uncharted territory for me which also seems weird because 99.9% of all the other people in my life are still here.
Some have said i've not yet grieved. I don't know if I have or not. What does that look like? How long does that last? Does it ever end, subside? I don't know I can be convinced that I have or have not or if I even know how to. I've always just....gone on no matter the situation or circumstance.
Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with me. quiet. Alone with God. I don't think it's a "depression" thing but rather I feel as though it's perhaps the one thing I do NEED.
Mom never liked being alone, and now it's the one thing I feel I need the most.
My wind chimes are chiming...that's her, I just know it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
the struggles with in....& what to let out?
Well, i totally got called out by my 15 year old daughter. She's of the opinion I don't like being a mom. I can say that's not so, and be speaking the truth. The problem...that's how she see's it. The fix....I don't know and for me that just compounds the problem.
Truth is, I love being a mom. I love my kids and feel overwhelmingly blessed to have them. Truth is it's a job that is multidimensional, ever changing and never finished and extremely rewarding. The first couple of characteristics I can deal with pretty easily. I'm pretty darn good at multitasking, and tend to favor change. It's the never finished part I struggle with. Not that I want to be done...for that thought is beyond scary, but at times it's overwhelming.
My struggles come with the other mom duties, housekeeping, cooking, etc. We learn from our parents and the families we grew up in and typically emulate that style. Here in lies the problem. Saturday mornings were for cleaning, done by the children while the parents grocery shopped. Monday through Friday well, mom cooked, changed the linens, and took Eric to functions. Seeing as though there's 7 years difference between my brother & I that's what I remember of the "early years" if you will. As I grew older, it was dad or Eric who took me to my functions and well, seeing as though I was in school, I wasn't sure nor gave thought to what it was mom did during the day. All I knew was ANY down time was spent cleaning as the Saturday ritual went by the wayside as Eric got older and I NEVER cleaned to her expectations. EVER. I remember saying to myself, I would never allow my focus to be solely on cleaning. (& have I been successful with that)
Kathryn pointed out that I enjoyed working at the Chuckwagon more than I did being home & being a mom. And it caused me to pause & reflect...was there truth in that? I went in to work, knew what needed to be done, enjoyed the customers, loved meeting new ones, tried to give great service, be kind and attentive, and completed what needed done at the end of the night & went home. As a result I received great tips, made good friends, and typically had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Breaking it down further, ....i was appreciated.
Now I wouldn't say I'm a needy person. Accolades typically are not necessary, nor are kudos. But, knowing your efforts are appreciated to some extent certainly serves as motivation. ....my motivation is gone. G.O.N.E. gone.
Pastors sermon on sunday talked about Saul, and how we did "things" and how we should do them for Christ. I tell my kids this all the time! Yet I suffer, daily falling short in this area. I HATE this about myself. I'll cook endlessly for others. I do with out 2nd thoughts for others. WHY do I struggle doing for the ones I love the most? WHY am I not driven to be a better mother / wife. Why? do i suck at being a housewife?
As I contemplate all the WHYS? I have to remind myself of all the good God has blessed me with. And those blessings alone should be motivation. Right?
Why when the good news is: finished laundry, dinner & spice cake does the bad news have to be: the "right" things didn't get washed & the cake isn't chocolate? Why to we lash out at the ones we love the most? (universal ? i know)
I took from my example the most basic premise....to love. And that I do with all my heart. I have taken from what I knew and sorted through all the stuff to come up with the kind of mom/wife I think is true to who I am. Yet I fall short of successfully completing the job. What I have been successful at is listening, encouraging, allowing room to grow, acceptance, tolerance, adaptability, supporting, and developing the relationships I hold most dear. For all my wrongs, my kids still enjoy time with the "rents", haven't chosen destructive behaviors, do pretty well in school, love the Lord, are good friends, have a servants heart and value family. Surely that says something. Because I'm pretty sure when I was their age I only valued myself.
I am prayerful someday I'll get it together. And with luck, it won't be too late. In the mean time I'll ask for your prayers too. With out a doubt this is the toughest, most rewarding job I'll ever do. And truly cannot do it alone.
In the mean time I'll hold onto my hopes & dreams and perhaps someday.......the simplicity of my dreams will come true. Perhaps someday I'll be successful at the job I hold most dear!
Truth is, I love being a mom. I love my kids and feel overwhelmingly blessed to have them. Truth is it's a job that is multidimensional, ever changing and never finished and extremely rewarding. The first couple of characteristics I can deal with pretty easily. I'm pretty darn good at multitasking, and tend to favor change. It's the never finished part I struggle with. Not that I want to be done...for that thought is beyond scary, but at times it's overwhelming.
My struggles come with the other mom duties, housekeeping, cooking, etc. We learn from our parents and the families we grew up in and typically emulate that style. Here in lies the problem. Saturday mornings were for cleaning, done by the children while the parents grocery shopped. Monday through Friday well, mom cooked, changed the linens, and took Eric to functions. Seeing as though there's 7 years difference between my brother & I that's what I remember of the "early years" if you will. As I grew older, it was dad or Eric who took me to my functions and well, seeing as though I was in school, I wasn't sure nor gave thought to what it was mom did during the day. All I knew was ANY down time was spent cleaning as the Saturday ritual went by the wayside as Eric got older and I NEVER cleaned to her expectations. EVER. I remember saying to myself, I would never allow my focus to be solely on cleaning. (& have I been successful with that)
Kathryn pointed out that I enjoyed working at the Chuckwagon more than I did being home & being a mom. And it caused me to pause & reflect...was there truth in that? I went in to work, knew what needed to be done, enjoyed the customers, loved meeting new ones, tried to give great service, be kind and attentive, and completed what needed done at the end of the night & went home. As a result I received great tips, made good friends, and typically had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Breaking it down further, ....i was appreciated.
Now I wouldn't say I'm a needy person. Accolades typically are not necessary, nor are kudos. But, knowing your efforts are appreciated to some extent certainly serves as motivation. ....my motivation is gone. G.O.N.E. gone.
Pastors sermon on sunday talked about Saul, and how we did "things" and how we should do them for Christ. I tell my kids this all the time! Yet I suffer, daily falling short in this area. I HATE this about myself. I'll cook endlessly for others. I do with out 2nd thoughts for others. WHY do I struggle doing for the ones I love the most? WHY am I not driven to be a better mother / wife. Why? do i suck at being a housewife?
As I contemplate all the WHYS? I have to remind myself of all the good God has blessed me with. And those blessings alone should be motivation. Right?
Why when the good news is: finished laundry, dinner & spice cake does the bad news have to be: the "right" things didn't get washed & the cake isn't chocolate? Why to we lash out at the ones we love the most? (universal ? i know)
I took from my example the most basic premise....to love. And that I do with all my heart. I have taken from what I knew and sorted through all the stuff to come up with the kind of mom/wife I think is true to who I am. Yet I fall short of successfully completing the job. What I have been successful at is listening, encouraging, allowing room to grow, acceptance, tolerance, adaptability, supporting, and developing the relationships I hold most dear. For all my wrongs, my kids still enjoy time with the "rents", haven't chosen destructive behaviors, do pretty well in school, love the Lord, are good friends, have a servants heart and value family. Surely that says something. Because I'm pretty sure when I was their age I only valued myself.
I am prayerful someday I'll get it together. And with luck, it won't be too late. In the mean time I'll ask for your prayers too. With out a doubt this is the toughest, most rewarding job I'll ever do. And truly cannot do it alone.
In the mean time I'll hold onto my hopes & dreams and perhaps someday.......the simplicity of my dreams will come true. Perhaps someday I'll be successful at the job I hold most dear!
Friday, November 11, 2011
9485563
Hey mom! you know when you need to ask someone a question but sense you know the answer before hand so you really don't want to ask the question... ?? well, i was driving somewhere the other day & of course the first thing i started to do was call you. i knew you wouldn't pickup. and figured for sure the answering machine wouldn't either as eric was to have the phone turned off. and for certain i didn't want to hear "the number you have dialed has been changed or disconnected". yet sure enough i dialed home. 948-5563. and guess what! the customer i was trying to reach has a mail box that is full. i need to try my call again!! haha! i laughed and cried. with out a doubt your mailbox is full....even funnier, we never could figure out how to get that damn thing to play back messages. hahahaha! oh well, so i'm calling now.
i'm not going any where but wanted to call earlier. and just at the same time i had the desire to, i saw you. just enough to know you were with me. it was good to see you smile.
kate might have to have surgery and matt has very sore ankles. so needless to say, aside from our vaca at the beginning of the month november is being difficult. in addition, i've quit at the chuck and miss it terribly. but the kids want/need me here and with andy gone every other week and basketball season starting it was just too difficult to be everywhere i needed to be. family first right?! i'm hoping to find a new gig during the day. need to get stuff together to return to subbing possibly. idk, really just trusting in the Lord that i end up where i need to be.
eric & i were talking about dad earlier this week. you know how weird it was to drive through his home town and not attempt contact. ...really weird. but truthfully i wouldn't have known what to say. really the only thing i can figure out regarding our relationship or rather lack there of is that Kaye is threatened. and probably always has been. he's in a hard place really. has had to sacrifice much as a result of his choices, i have to wonder if it is really all he signed up for. regardless, it's his bed. eric seemed to think if he were to pass i'd have regrets. i've thought long and hard about that. and i don't think so. i love him. i've told him that and i've told him i wish him happiness. and since doing so i've not had any communication from him to me, so i've done all i can do. i feel any more would be fruitless & hurtful more so to my family (kate & matt) then me. for i don't want them totally hating him. as it is now he's a non-factor.
it snowed yesterday. :) and today you've been gone 3 months. it just doesn't seem possible. i miss you terribly. however, this is the time of year we will certainly celebrate your legacy! Christmas carols, stockings, gift giving, & just good old giving to others! certainly the magical spirit of Christmas was within you.
missing you more every day. so glad you're whole again. keep watch over my husband & kids please.
love you too!
kel
i'm not going any where but wanted to call earlier. and just at the same time i had the desire to, i saw you. just enough to know you were with me. it was good to see you smile.
kate might have to have surgery and matt has very sore ankles. so needless to say, aside from our vaca at the beginning of the month november is being difficult. in addition, i've quit at the chuck and miss it terribly. but the kids want/need me here and with andy gone every other week and basketball season starting it was just too difficult to be everywhere i needed to be. family first right?! i'm hoping to find a new gig during the day. need to get stuff together to return to subbing possibly. idk, really just trusting in the Lord that i end up where i need to be.
eric & i were talking about dad earlier this week. you know how weird it was to drive through his home town and not attempt contact. ...really weird. but truthfully i wouldn't have known what to say. really the only thing i can figure out regarding our relationship or rather lack there of is that Kaye is threatened. and probably always has been. he's in a hard place really. has had to sacrifice much as a result of his choices, i have to wonder if it is really all he signed up for. regardless, it's his bed. eric seemed to think if he were to pass i'd have regrets. i've thought long and hard about that. and i don't think so. i love him. i've told him that and i've told him i wish him happiness. and since doing so i've not had any communication from him to me, so i've done all i can do. i feel any more would be fruitless & hurtful more so to my family (kate & matt) then me. for i don't want them totally hating him. as it is now he's a non-factor.
it snowed yesterday. :) and today you've been gone 3 months. it just doesn't seem possible. i miss you terribly. however, this is the time of year we will certainly celebrate your legacy! Christmas carols, stockings, gift giving, & just good old giving to others! certainly the magical spirit of Christmas was within you.
missing you more every day. so glad you're whole again. keep watch over my husband & kids please.
love you too!
kel
Thursday, November 10, 2011
i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart...
& now it's time to bring it to the surface. the joy that is. you know the song. you probably sang it often as a child. so now i'm challenging you to revisit the song and bring up the joy that resides 'down in your heart'.
you know it's a choice right? JOY. it's a matter of perspective.
give yourself a month of joyful perspective and see if your outlook, frame of mind doesn't take a turn for the better.
may your heart be overflowing with joy. for you have much to be joyful for.
you know it's a choice right? JOY. it's a matter of perspective.
give yourself a month of joyful perspective and see if your outlook, frame of mind doesn't take a turn for the better.
may your heart be overflowing with joy. for you have much to be joyful for.
Monday, November 7, 2011
you know how....
when you feel certain feelings towards others? you question their motives, actions, words. you find yourself uncomfortable with their decision making abilities and the reasoning they offer up as explanation. ever have those moments? i do. i'd like to say not often, however it would be more accurate for me to say not with regard to many people or many institutions. and then.....then there is that moment when someone(s) you do respect, admire, feel confident in, without warning and better yet unsolicited comes up to you and VALIDATES all you've been feeling. WOW! it's a good feeling and an upsetting one all rolled up into one big yuck ball of feelings/emotion. especially when those of concern at the heart of the matter are directly involved with our children. i need to be clear...i in no way believe children are in danger, otherwise i'd not be blogging rather i'd be raising all kinds of HELLo! and in my heart of hearts i have to think that somewhere along the way their path has gone astray.
one trait i have and perhaps suffer from is just assuming intentions are good, people are nice & compassionate, they have others interest in mind as well as their own, and at no time would someone intentionally be calculated and mean. anyone of you ever make that wrongful assumption? when proven wrong....i am sickened to the core. and like most all things i experience in this life and don't fully understand ....i turn to God and converse with Him.
He doesn't magically make the problem or the person go away, however time and time again he has put another in my path, one who hasn't let me down and over the course of conversation confirms to me that i'm on the right track with my feelings. which in turn results in additional conversation with me asking Him, "now what do i do with that?"
thus far i've concluded these things:
with that said....everyday i celebrate a little bit more because jr. high is drawing to a close for the van ness family! WOO HOO!!!!!
one trait i have and perhaps suffer from is just assuming intentions are good, people are nice & compassionate, they have others interest in mind as well as their own, and at no time would someone intentionally be calculated and mean. anyone of you ever make that wrongful assumption? when proven wrong....i am sickened to the core. and like most all things i experience in this life and don't fully understand ....i turn to God and converse with Him.
He doesn't magically make the problem or the person go away, however time and time again he has put another in my path, one who hasn't let me down and over the course of conversation confirms to me that i'm on the right track with my feelings. which in turn results in additional conversation with me asking Him, "now what do i do with that?"
thus far i've concluded these things:
- sadly not all people have good intentions
- not all people, irregardless of their position have your best interest at heart
- listen to your gut instincts
- don't seek validation from other for how you feel about someone or something....(it'll come on it's own)
- this too shall pass...
with that said....everyday i celebrate a little bit more because jr. high is drawing to a close for the van ness family! WOO HOO!!!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
you showed up.... :)
I'm not quite sure how to put it into words because to some it would seem impossible, to others crazy, to others plausible and to me it was just amazing.
Yesterday I called 'home' and talked to mom. It was a short covo in part because I just miss her so and really you can only communicate that in so many ways. So after talking to her I set out for a relaxing bath to start my day. Once that process was over and some time spent playing with the pooches, PJ & I decided to tease Ike so we hopped up onto the bed and taunted him because he didn't have the necessary spring in his step to join us. Pooped out from playing both dogs sacked out as did I.
I recall thinking I'd just close my eyes for a moment as I had things to do, an appointment to go to and then get the kids & go to work. So I closed my eyes. And I remember thinking I should wake up, get up but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. So I resolved to awaken when the church bells chimed. I'm not sure how much time had passed really, but at the chiming of the bells I awoke. The first thing I did was wipe my cheeks and feel the pillow case .....both were dry.
How could it be? They were sure to have been dampened from all my tears. For while I was 'sleeping' my mom came and held me. I vividly remember rocking back and forth in her arms. I remember sobbing on her shoulder. So happy to see her, so happy to hold her, so happy to be held by her. We remained entwined for sometime and tears of joy never stopped flowing. It would've been impossible for my eyes to not have been puffy and my pillow case to not be soaked.
Yet dry as a bone. At the sound of the church chimes I awoke. Refreshed, renewed and with just enough time to get going on my day. I felt so comforted.
I don't have any logical 'this world' explanation for what i experienced. I just know it happened. It eased my cares. It comforted my soul. And left me longing for more.
I don't know that I saw my moms face. I only know I knew her touch, smell, the soothing feeling you get from a mom. I felt my hair being brushed back from my face and the tears being wiped away. I am unsure if I went away for a moment of if the moment came to me but regardless it was a moment I'll treasure.
She showed up....that's what moms do. & yes! she's amazing.
Yesterday I called 'home' and talked to mom. It was a short covo in part because I just miss her so and really you can only communicate that in so many ways. So after talking to her I set out for a relaxing bath to start my day. Once that process was over and some time spent playing with the pooches, PJ & I decided to tease Ike so we hopped up onto the bed and taunted him because he didn't have the necessary spring in his step to join us. Pooped out from playing both dogs sacked out as did I.
I recall thinking I'd just close my eyes for a moment as I had things to do, an appointment to go to and then get the kids & go to work. So I closed my eyes. And I remember thinking I should wake up, get up but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. So I resolved to awaken when the church bells chimed. I'm not sure how much time had passed really, but at the chiming of the bells I awoke. The first thing I did was wipe my cheeks and feel the pillow case .....both were dry.
How could it be? They were sure to have been dampened from all my tears. For while I was 'sleeping' my mom came and held me. I vividly remember rocking back and forth in her arms. I remember sobbing on her shoulder. So happy to see her, so happy to hold her, so happy to be held by her. We remained entwined for sometime and tears of joy never stopped flowing. It would've been impossible for my eyes to not have been puffy and my pillow case to not be soaked.
Yet dry as a bone. At the sound of the church chimes I awoke. Refreshed, renewed and with just enough time to get going on my day. I felt so comforted.
I don't have any logical 'this world' explanation for what i experienced. I just know it happened. It eased my cares. It comforted my soul. And left me longing for more.
I don't know that I saw my moms face. I only know I knew her touch, smell, the soothing feeling you get from a mom. I felt my hair being brushed back from my face and the tears being wiped away. I am unsure if I went away for a moment of if the moment came to me but regardless it was a moment I'll treasure.
She showed up....that's what moms do. & yes! she's amazing.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
9485563
Good morning momma! I've gotta tell you we've had a couple of weeks worth of days that you would love love love. I can't remember when the colors have been so beautiful. Life is still as crazy as ever. I'm sure without a doubt that you know that though.
You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me. ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true. I call....
Kids and I miss you loads. I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you. I am sure that surprises you a bit. Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them. Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact.
The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet. I don't know if/when it will.
I read the book Heaven is For Real. I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again. Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand. I think you were the softest person I ever knew.
Please keep watch over us but especially my kids.
love you & miss you.
You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me. ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true. I call....
Kids and I miss you loads. I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you. I am sure that surprises you a bit. Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them. Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact.
The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet. I don't know if/when it will.
I read the book Heaven is For Real. I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again. Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand. I think you were the softest person I ever knew.
Please keep watch over us but especially my kids.
love you & miss you.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ramblings...
do you ever:
...wonder why some people always seem to be frowning
...simple listen to the songs being sung in church without singing along
...stop and watch the bird try to get the worm
...become amazed a all the colors in a sunset/rise
...give much thought to all the jobs, there are, all the rules/regulations in this life
...randomly wave "hi" to some stranger
...just look someone straight in the eyes, smile and say "hello" - even if you don't know them
did you know:
...there's a state library regulatory group who determines how your local library is ran (this one baffled me, idk why?)
...it takes less energy to smile/uses less muscles
...you determine how others affect you
...God knows the outcome of all of this "world" ....we need to not worry
have you ever:
...done a random act of kindness
...stood alone
...taken the high road
...said your peace
...asked for forgiveness
...said "i love you"
...said "i'm sorry"
don't you think:
...laughter is a great sound
...the wind feels good
...the sun is amazing
...a touch from another is soothing
...best friends are amazing
...true friends are a blessing
...mercy is necessary
...tolerance should be a given
...differences accepted
wouldn't you like to:
...be able to experience different cultures
...speak/understand different languages
...be you - at all times
...make a difference
...be the difference
...love - unconditionally at all times
...wonder why some people always seem to be frowning
...simple listen to the songs being sung in church without singing along
...stop and watch the bird try to get the worm
...become amazed a all the colors in a sunset/rise
...give much thought to all the jobs, there are, all the rules/regulations in this life
...randomly wave "hi" to some stranger
...just look someone straight in the eyes, smile and say "hello" - even if you don't know them
did you know:
...there's a state library regulatory group who determines how your local library is ran (this one baffled me, idk why?)
...it takes less energy to smile/uses less muscles
...you determine how others affect you
...God knows the outcome of all of this "world" ....we need to not worry
have you ever:
...done a random act of kindness
...stood alone
...taken the high road
...said your peace
...asked for forgiveness
...said "i love you"
...said "i'm sorry"
don't you think:
...laughter is a great sound
...the wind feels good
...the sun is amazing
...a touch from another is soothing
...best friends are amazing
...true friends are a blessing
...mercy is necessary
...tolerance should be a given
...differences accepted
wouldn't you like to:
...be able to experience different cultures
...speak/understand different languages
...be you - at all times
...make a difference
...be the difference
...love - unconditionally at all times
Monday, October 10, 2011
finding my passion....finding me.
void of a passion....
for as long as i can remember i've heard people talk about their passion. you're encouraged to find your passion when seeking a profession/career. then there are those who have a passion about a cause or in the form of a talent. me....i've got nothing.
people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. the earliest memory i have of this question is when i was early elementary school age. it was posed to me on a sunday afternoon while exiting the church. our pastor at the friends church was xen harvey. awesome gentleman. and i distinctly remember him shaking my brothers hand, commenting on his impeccable attendance record of having never missed a sunday and him asking eric what he wanted to be when he grew up. eric's response "a pastor". wow! i remember thinking! that's gonna be tough to follow. immediately i remember trying to think what i could do for the rest of my life. what did i enjoy? what was i good at? dance, twirling, gymnastics. dress-up. all i knew for sure was i needed to quickly ready my answer. and before i could contemplate any further it was my turn to answer, "i want to be a playboy bunny when i grow up!" i don't know when i've ever answered a question with so much enthusiasm, confidence and i spoke it as though it was nearly a done deal. all i needed....a puffy white tail & cute ears. right?!?
next time i recall that question "what do you want to be/do when you grow up?" was in high school. you know, ask the teen! those folks who most adults feel know nothing! a sound, wise decision is sure to be made. truth be told i had no idea. i didn't know what all my options were. i seemed to know more about what i didn't want to do than what i wanted to do/be. not a nurse, not a secretary, not a medical anything, not a secretarial anything, .....so business i guess. because business is everywhere ...that shouldn't really limit me. so marketing/business it was. and i learned in the classroom it was boring. i learned in the real world it was shallow, manipulative, aggressive, competitive, and unrewarding. so i reconsidered. perhaps i would enjoy teaching. it's rewarding...right? sure it is. and i enjoyed working with the KIDS. THEY were awesome. and then i dawned on me, it too seemed to be a business, aggressive, competitive, manipulative, and just like in the business world i left behind i encountered shallowness, intolerance, bullying at all levels and i bailed. it obviously wasn't my passion.
i did direct sales and had success but then didn't really care if you bought something or not. i taught dance. that was fun. but lets face it i'm older & much larger than when i did it for sport. i coached, it was fun - i did it well, ....i was fired. (a whole other blog)
so i waitress. i work with/for my friend(s). i have great customers. i smile a lot, laugh a lot, talk a lot, share a lot, and am humbled daily.
i don't know that anyone would call being a waitress a "passion" but i'd have to say it really has been one of the more rewarding jobs i've done. as i reflect as to possible reasons why...it boils down to one thing. i get to be me. i've never been requested to change my point of view, opinion, religion, friends, relations. i've not been censored, told who i can/cannot talk to, or what i can/cannot talk about. i think the only sacrifice i've had to make is to adhere to wearing the chuckwagon t-shirt.
i guess my passion is just being me. after all my me is a good thing. God created it and He doesn't make junk. He had a purpose. i don't know what that is, but i do know He is leading my way. i stumble and fall from time to time (day to day) but He always picks me up, dust me off and we set back out. my record, well thanks to his gift, his Son Jesus Christ - it's a clean slate.
what's your passion?
for as long as i can remember i've heard people talk about their passion. you're encouraged to find your passion when seeking a profession/career. then there are those who have a passion about a cause or in the form of a talent. me....i've got nothing.
people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. the earliest memory i have of this question is when i was early elementary school age. it was posed to me on a sunday afternoon while exiting the church. our pastor at the friends church was xen harvey. awesome gentleman. and i distinctly remember him shaking my brothers hand, commenting on his impeccable attendance record of having never missed a sunday and him asking eric what he wanted to be when he grew up. eric's response "a pastor". wow! i remember thinking! that's gonna be tough to follow. immediately i remember trying to think what i could do for the rest of my life. what did i enjoy? what was i good at? dance, twirling, gymnastics. dress-up. all i knew for sure was i needed to quickly ready my answer. and before i could contemplate any further it was my turn to answer, "i want to be a playboy bunny when i grow up!" i don't know when i've ever answered a question with so much enthusiasm, confidence and i spoke it as though it was nearly a done deal. all i needed....a puffy white tail & cute ears. right?!?
next time i recall that question "what do you want to be/do when you grow up?" was in high school. you know, ask the teen! those folks who most adults feel know nothing! a sound, wise decision is sure to be made. truth be told i had no idea. i didn't know what all my options were. i seemed to know more about what i didn't want to do than what i wanted to do/be. not a nurse, not a secretary, not a medical anything, not a secretarial anything, .....so business i guess. because business is everywhere ...that shouldn't really limit me. so marketing/business it was. and i learned in the classroom it was boring. i learned in the real world it was shallow, manipulative, aggressive, competitive, and unrewarding. so i reconsidered. perhaps i would enjoy teaching. it's rewarding...right? sure it is. and i enjoyed working with the KIDS. THEY were awesome. and then i dawned on me, it too seemed to be a business, aggressive, competitive, manipulative, and just like in the business world i left behind i encountered shallowness, intolerance, bullying at all levels and i bailed. it obviously wasn't my passion.
i did direct sales and had success but then didn't really care if you bought something or not. i taught dance. that was fun. but lets face it i'm older & much larger than when i did it for sport. i coached, it was fun - i did it well, ....i was fired. (a whole other blog)
so i waitress. i work with/for my friend(s). i have great customers. i smile a lot, laugh a lot, talk a lot, share a lot, and am humbled daily.
i don't know that anyone would call being a waitress a "passion" but i'd have to say it really has been one of the more rewarding jobs i've done. as i reflect as to possible reasons why...it boils down to one thing. i get to be me. i've never been requested to change my point of view, opinion, religion, friends, relations. i've not been censored, told who i can/cannot talk to, or what i can/cannot talk about. i think the only sacrifice i've had to make is to adhere to wearing the chuckwagon t-shirt.
i guess my passion is just being me. after all my me is a good thing. God created it and He doesn't make junk. He had a purpose. i don't know what that is, but i do know He is leading my way. i stumble and fall from time to time (day to day) but He always picks me up, dust me off and we set back out. my record, well thanks to his gift, his Son Jesus Christ - it's a clean slate.
what's your passion?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
jaded....
Jaded...that pretty much sums me up as of late. Not sure of the meaning....hit up Dictionary.com & check it out. I must admit it's not my choice of adjectives. But it seems to be most accurate for the moment.
In all honesty it's probably the exact opposite of how I feel 99.9% of the time. I'm not sure if it's PMS or PUBLIC or IDIOTS or all of the above that has me dwelling in a sub-par state but whatever it is it seems to have a hold on me. My saving grace....God & His path for me and my dreams.
My prayer list is long and even somewhat selfish. There are so many people I know, friends & family dealing with the "C" word that I would appreciate prayers for each of them as they go through this journey and for their families. I have friends who I long for them to know Christ....more over to WANT to know Christ, prayers for them and for me that I might be the proper witness. For my children that they make good choices in all they do and that a fire might be lit inside of them driving them toward a passion all the while bringing glory to God. For my family and all of the "stuff" ...literally we have to go through and deal with. All the legalese of mom's passing, her home & stuff, an eventual auction, AND our current homes, the remodeling on both of them and PRAYERS for a buyer!!!
I feel as though time is fleeting by and I'm stuck....ugh! Prayers for me too I guess. Difficult to ask for as I'm not really suffering, we have home(s), full pantry & refrigerator, jobs, and health, friends, etc.... In short, I'm truly blessed yet feel like I need ......need what? I don't know.....other than to move!
In all honesty it's probably the exact opposite of how I feel 99.9% of the time. I'm not sure if it's PMS or PUBLIC or IDIOTS or all of the above that has me dwelling in a sub-par state but whatever it is it seems to have a hold on me. My saving grace....God & His path for me and my dreams.
My prayer list is long and even somewhat selfish. There are so many people I know, friends & family dealing with the "C" word that I would appreciate prayers for each of them as they go through this journey and for their families. I have friends who I long for them to know Christ....more over to WANT to know Christ, prayers for them and for me that I might be the proper witness. For my children that they make good choices in all they do and that a fire might be lit inside of them driving them toward a passion all the while bringing glory to God. For my family and all of the "stuff" ...literally we have to go through and deal with. All the legalese of mom's passing, her home & stuff, an eventual auction, AND our current homes, the remodeling on both of them and PRAYERS for a buyer!!!
I feel as though time is fleeting by and I'm stuck....ugh! Prayers for me too I guess. Difficult to ask for as I'm not really suffering, we have home(s), full pantry & refrigerator, jobs, and health, friends, etc.... In short, I'm truly blessed yet feel like I need ......need what? I don't know.....other than to move!
Monday, October 3, 2011
948-5563
well today is certainly a day for me to need to talk to you! so many things running through my mind. from cheer & all the frustrations with it, to requesting continued prayer for us selling one of our homes SOON, to new prayers for my friend marcia rush & her family. there's so much going on.
andy is in NJ for the week, i pray he'll have safe travels and a great week. keep looking out for matt! basketball season is approaching and it concerns me. he enjoys it, will be going to jt's for workouts over fall break so there's a lot to look forward to, what i'm not looking forward to and hopefully it won't happen this year is the mean spirits that have reared their ugly heads in the past. so hoping that won't happen this year. he's going to belize for basketball missions trip with quite a large group next summer so really praying this year is a stepping stone i the right direction for him.
i've also been feeling overly annoyed of late. which has really led me to pull back or completely out of involvement with stuff. not at all like me but really feeling it's best as so many others i'm finding beyond stupid & overly annoying. it's as though i've adapted zero tolerance for others. i swear as i grow older i'll become a hermit! needless to say a move to the country with our own private 7 1/2 acres is much needed and the sooner the better! .....like the song says, change is gonna do me good!
well, it's a georgeous day & the week is suppose to be awesome. i'm gonna put some soup on for us to enjoy this evening. i love & miss you loads. wish i could feel your touch.
ttyl
andy is in NJ for the week, i pray he'll have safe travels and a great week. keep looking out for matt! basketball season is approaching and it concerns me. he enjoys it, will be going to jt's for workouts over fall break so there's a lot to look forward to, what i'm not looking forward to and hopefully it won't happen this year is the mean spirits that have reared their ugly heads in the past. so hoping that won't happen this year. he's going to belize for basketball missions trip with quite a large group next summer so really praying this year is a stepping stone i the right direction for him.
i've also been feeling overly annoyed of late. which has really led me to pull back or completely out of involvement with stuff. not at all like me but really feeling it's best as so many others i'm finding beyond stupid & overly annoying. it's as though i've adapted zero tolerance for others. i swear as i grow older i'll become a hermit! needless to say a move to the country with our own private 7 1/2 acres is much needed and the sooner the better! .....like the song says, change is gonna do me good!
well, it's a georgeous day & the week is suppose to be awesome. i'm gonna put some soup on for us to enjoy this evening. i love & miss you loads. wish i could feel your touch.
ttyl
Monday, September 26, 2011
948-5563
Well mom, what a weekend. You had to have been pleased. And perhaps a bit miffed that NOW everyone willingly pitched in. Friday was not easy, but I felt you with me all the day long. From the moment i turned into Fairmount and the sun began to shine down I knew you were pleased. So many people came by to get a piece of YOU! And all were very giving. Many of your classmates stopped in too. When it was all said & done tear down only took 30 min. at best and your charities will profit nicely! $1741 wow huh?
For the record, it's confirmed....I don't enjoy JD days. :/ but enjoy seeing the fairmount folks. Someone suggested we continue to rent out the space, pop up the tent & fill with table & chairs so that Fairmount only folk can sit, visit & people watch! Great idea huh? lol.
I miss you mom. ......not sure it's getting easier.
i love you too!
fyi....i nabbed the "don'tyaknowiloveya" sign! ;P
For the record, it's confirmed....I don't enjoy JD days. :/ but enjoy seeing the fairmount folks. Someone suggested we continue to rent out the space, pop up the tent & fill with table & chairs so that Fairmount only folk can sit, visit & people watch! Great idea huh? lol.
I miss you mom. ......not sure it's getting easier.
i love you too!
fyi....i nabbed the "don'tyaknowiloveya" sign! ;P
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Holy Spirit, Mom & Me....
Some might think this odd, question my experience, rebuke it all together or perhaps....fully understand.
Have you ever felt God, the Holy Spirit? Would you know it if you had? Do only the best Christians get to experience It? Well, I have, I knew with out a doubt what I was feeling and I AM FAR FROM THE BEST CHRISTIAN! What I was, both times I've been blessed by the Holy Spirit was BROKEN. Completely Broken.
The first time was over 16 years ago when I, in a single moment, gave it all to God. I couldn't do it - this thing called life, without Him. It wasn't a fix, flip of a switch and all things were great. But it was a comfort to know He knew my path, my heart. He had a plan and it was perfect.
The second time I felt the Holy Spirit was just over a month ago. I was standing over my mom at 1 a.m.. She was restless, agitated and the swelling had began, the kidneys were shutting down and her mind was not her own. I felt helpless. And in the moment I only knew for sure one thing and that was that my God, her God would have to provide the healing, comfort and peace. In that moment I laid my hands, one on her head & one on her stomach and prayed. Giving it ALL to God. Fully trusting in Him. And again that is when I felt It.
My experience with the Holy Spirit is this....It's the most comforting, calming sensation of what feels like warm water pouring throughout my body. It's a feeling of a place that you just don't want to leave. It's a feeling that leaves you longing for it - again & again.
After each of my experiences this life handed me interesting situations. And trusting & knowing THESE situations were gonna be OK because God was in control has been just one side effect of my time with the Holy Spirit.
My God has known my every need. Has known my heart. Has heard my cries, felt my pain and has willingly taken it all on. My God has blessed me beyond measure. He has loved me without conditions. He has made me want more & more. He has carried me time & time again. He has never failed me.
There's comfort in knowing God has a plan. There's comfort in knowing He knows .....He knows. There's comfort in knowing I can trust in His way, Always!
Thank you God for Everything.
Have you ever felt God, the Holy Spirit? Would you know it if you had? Do only the best Christians get to experience It? Well, I have, I knew with out a doubt what I was feeling and I AM FAR FROM THE BEST CHRISTIAN! What I was, both times I've been blessed by the Holy Spirit was BROKEN. Completely Broken.
The first time was over 16 years ago when I, in a single moment, gave it all to God. I couldn't do it - this thing called life, without Him. It wasn't a fix, flip of a switch and all things were great. But it was a comfort to know He knew my path, my heart. He had a plan and it was perfect.
The second time I felt the Holy Spirit was just over a month ago. I was standing over my mom at 1 a.m.. She was restless, agitated and the swelling had began, the kidneys were shutting down and her mind was not her own. I felt helpless. And in the moment I only knew for sure one thing and that was that my God, her God would have to provide the healing, comfort and peace. In that moment I laid my hands, one on her head & one on her stomach and prayed. Giving it ALL to God. Fully trusting in Him. And again that is when I felt It.
My experience with the Holy Spirit is this....It's the most comforting, calming sensation of what feels like warm water pouring throughout my body. It's a feeling of a place that you just don't want to leave. It's a feeling that leaves you longing for it - again & again.
After each of my experiences this life handed me interesting situations. And trusting & knowing THESE situations were gonna be OK because God was in control has been just one side effect of my time with the Holy Spirit.
My God has known my every need. Has known my heart. Has heard my cries, felt my pain and has willingly taken it all on. My God has blessed me beyond measure. He has loved me without conditions. He has made me want more & more. He has carried me time & time again. He has never failed me.
There's comfort in knowing God has a plan. There's comfort in knowing He knows .....He knows. There's comfort in knowing I can trust in His way, Always!
Thank you God for Everything.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
9485563
well it's been a month. & yes that's the longest we've gone without talking. it still seems like my phone is going to ring and you're going to tell me #1 what time it is & #2 just how long it's been since we last spoke. well, it's 9:36am and we last spoke on the 4th of august. remember? you told me you 'REALLY LOVED ME'. and i told you the same.
i miss you....
i miss you....
