it's possible to find one.....

So, I'm not totally convinced that finding a job is difficult.  What I am convinced of is ones willingness to do a job.  Now I'm not at all talking careers here, rather the J.O.B.  The part-time gig if you will.  In addition I am convinced that people find themselves above certain jobs.  Really?  And that isn't a sentiment solely exhibited by adults.  Kids, teens, first timers have elevated themselves so high that they are above most entry-level jobs.  Suggest working in fast food to a teen and the "NO WAY" that comes back at you is resounding!   Suggest working for minimum wage and again "NO WAY, i need to make more money than that!"  Last I knew some money was more than no money.  I was also taught that the more hours you put in the more pay you receive.  Novel huh?

Perhaps the biggest dilemma for some is the passing of the drug test.  Now this really takes me to a new level of annoyed!  You don't have a job.  You don't have your own income. Yet you can't pass the drug test.  (or fear you can't)   Really?  how do you pay for your drugs?  ....(insert scenes from Less than Zero & I just don't want to know)  Even more troubling is to think that someone else's money has supported your recreation of choice.  Sad.

I've been fortunate to have many, i repeat MANY job experiences and I can't think of a one that I didn't enjoy at some point.  All were different, new, and brought about a host of different people in my life that I was fortunate enough to learn from.  I can't remember EVER thinking I was above doing any job.  And most times had difficulty even remembering what my pay rate/salary was.

You see, when you open  yourself up to opportunity, the blessing isn't always in the form of a paycheck.  Rather it's in the little things like: doing the job as best you can, sharing a smile with a coworker/customer, listening to others, embracing new situations, learning from a different environment. 

I start a new gig on Monday and feel lucky, blessed and excited to do it.  As I've never been a cashier in a real grocery store before.  I only played one when I was 3 (& 5, 8 & 9 haha).
 :)

Just a few of my gigs in this life:  (in no particular order)

• substitute teacher: madison-grant, marion schools, oak hill schools
• teachers aide: ohjh
• dance teacher: dancers edge, playhouse
• cheer coach: oak hill, bennet
• waitress: max & ermas, pizza hut, chuckwagon, noble romans
• convenience store cashier/clerk
• human resource director
• administrative assistant
• secretary
• doughnut maker
• pizza maker
• kids hope director
• hallmark clerk
• hostess
• log auditor
• direct sales: pampered chef, longenberger, tupperware
• director of marketing
• farm worker planter/harvester of tomatoes :)  (good times)
• and my 1st gig: order taker at Burger King!  :)  & it was fun!

11/29/11

Playing a little catch up if you will....

Well, the 1st of the holidays without mom is under my belt.  And it was weird.  The company was good, as it always is but the spirit of it was amiss.  Truth be told, it's as though my spirit is amiss too.  Something just doesn't seem right, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I will say this Thanksgiving my blessing were more apparent than ever.  I had a loving mom for 45 years.  I have my health.  I have a loving husband.  I have 2 healthy children.  I have a wonderful family and family of in-laws.  We have a home(s) haha.  I am in NEED of nothing.  I have felt the presence of God on more than one occasion.

So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for, and I am, yet there is a void~one left when my momma could no longer hold me in her arms.  It's as simple and as complex as that.  weird.

I can't imagine Christmas as it was her favorite.

With that, it has been a season of firsts.  First time I've not seen the Rocketts perform, first time without mom, first time since married that Andy & I haven't black Friday shopped, first time Kate had a surgical procedure and as I'm typing this outside is blanketed with the first significant snowfall of this fall/winter season.

And yes, i picked up the phone and began to dial Mom to ask her if it was snowing in Fairmount.  (i'll assume it was)  That may sound funny to some but the weather systems for Fairmount and Swayzee are never the same.  We would always get a kick out of that. 

I'm going through the paces all the while I feel as though my family is getting the short end of the stick.  And they are.  They feel it too for they've told me so.  I hate that and am trying to figure out how to change that. 

This for sure is uncharted territory for me which also seems weird because 99.9% of all the other people in my life are still here. 

Some have said i've not yet grieved.  I don't know if I have or not.  What does that look like?  How long does that last?  Does it ever end, subside?  I don't know I can be convinced that I have or have not or if I even know how to.  I've always just....gone on no matter the situation or circumstance. 

Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be alone.  Alone with my thoughts.  Alone with me.  quiet.  Alone with God.  I don't think it's a "depression" thing but rather I feel as though it's perhaps the one thing I do NEED. 

Mom never liked being alone, and now it's the one thing I feel I need the most. 

My wind chimes are chiming...that's her, I just know it.

the struggles with in....& what to let out?

Well, i totally got called out by my 15 year old daughter.  She's of the opinion I don't like being a mom.  I can say that's not so, and be speaking the truth.  The problem...that's how she see's it.  The fix....I don't know and for me that just compounds the problem. 

Truth is, I love being a mom.  I love my kids and feel overwhelmingly blessed to have them.  Truth is it's a job that is multidimensional, ever changing and never finished and extremely rewarding.  The first couple of characteristics I can deal with pretty easily.  I'm pretty darn good at multitasking, and tend to favor change.  It's the never finished part I struggle with.  Not that I want to be done...for that thought is beyond scary, but at times it's overwhelming. 

My struggles come with the other mom duties, housekeeping, cooking, etc.  We learn from our parents and the families we grew up in and typically emulate that style.  Here in lies the problem.  Saturday mornings were for cleaning, done by the children while the parents grocery shopped.  Monday through Friday well, mom cooked, changed the linens, and took Eric to functions.  Seeing as though there's 7 years difference between my brother & I that's what I remember of the "early years" if you will.  As I grew older, it was dad or Eric who took me to my functions and well, seeing as though I was in school, I wasn't sure nor gave thought to what it was mom did during the day.  All I knew was ANY down time was spent cleaning as the Saturday ritual went by the wayside as Eric got older and I NEVER cleaned to her expectations.  EVER.  I remember saying to myself, I would never allow my focus to be solely on cleaning. (& have I been successful with that)

Kathryn pointed out that I enjoyed working at the Chuckwagon more than I did being home & being a mom.  And it caused me to pause & reflect...was there truth in that?  I went in to work, knew what needed to be done, enjoyed the customers, loved meeting new ones, tried to give great service, be kind and attentive, and completed what needed done at the end of the night & went home.  As a result I received great tips, made good friends, and typically had a thoroughly enjoyable evening.  Breaking it down further, ....i was appreciated. 

Now I wouldn't say I'm a needy person.  Accolades typically are not necessary, nor are kudos.  But, knowing your efforts are appreciated to some extent certainly serves as motivation.  ....my motivation is gone. G.O.N.E.   gone. 

Pastors sermon on sunday talked about Saul, and how we did "things" and how we should do them for Christ.  I tell my kids this all the time!  Yet I suffer, daily falling short in this area.  I HATE this about myself.  I'll cook endlessly for others.  I do with out 2nd thoughts for others.  WHY do I struggle doing for the ones I love the most?  WHY am I not driven to be a better mother / wife.  Why? do i suck at being a housewife?

As I contemplate all the WHYS?  I have to remind myself of all the good God has blessed me with.  And those blessings alone should be motivation.  Right? 

Why when the good news is: finished laundry, dinner & spice cake does the bad news have to be: the "right" things didn't get washed & the cake isn't chocolate?  Why to we lash out at the ones we love the most?  (universal ? i know)  

I took from my example the most basic premise....to love.  And that I do with all my heart.  I have taken from what I knew and sorted through all the stuff to come up with the kind of mom/wife I think is true to who I am.  Yet I fall short of successfully completing the job.  What I have been successful at is listening, encouraging, allowing room to grow, acceptance, tolerance, adaptability, supporting, and developing the relationships I hold most dear.  For all my wrongs, my kids still enjoy time with the "rents", haven't chosen destructive behaviors, do pretty well in school, love the Lord, are good friends, have a servants heart and value family.  Surely that says something.  Because I'm pretty sure when I was their age I only valued myself. 

I am prayerful someday I'll get it together.  And with luck, it won't be too late.  In the mean time I'll ask for your prayers too.  With out a doubt this is the toughest, most rewarding job I'll ever do.  And truly cannot do it alone. 

In the mean time I'll hold onto my hopes & dreams and perhaps someday.......the simplicity of my dreams will come true.  Perhaps someday I'll be successful at the job I hold most dear!

9485563

Hey mom!  you know when you need to ask someone a question but sense you know the answer before hand so  you really don't want to ask the question...  ??  well, i was driving somewhere the other day & of course the first thing i started to do was call you.  i knew you wouldn't pickup.  and figured for sure the answering machine wouldn't either as eric was to have the phone turned off.  and for certain i didn't want to hear "the number you have dialed has been changed or disconnected".  yet sure enough i dialed home.  948-5563.  and guess what!  the customer i was trying to reach has a mail box that is full.  i need to try my call again!!  haha!  i laughed and cried.  with out a doubt your mailbox is full....even funnier, we never could figure out how to get that damn thing to play back messages. hahahaha!  oh well, so i'm calling now.

i'm not going any where but wanted to call earlier.  and just at the same time i had the desire to, i saw you.  just enough to know you were with me.  it was good to see you smile. 

kate might have to have surgery and matt has very sore ankles.  so needless to say, aside from our vaca at the beginning of the month november is being difficult.  in addition, i've quit at the chuck and miss it terribly.  but the kids want/need me here and with andy gone every other week and basketball season starting it was just too difficult to be everywhere i needed to be.  family first right?!  i'm hoping to find a new gig during the day.  need to get stuff together to return to subbing possibly.  idk, really just trusting in the Lord that i end up where i need to be. 

eric & i were talking about dad earlier this week.  you know how weird it was to drive through his home town and not attempt contact.  ...really weird.  but truthfully i wouldn't have known what to say.  really the only thing i can figure out regarding our relationship or rather lack there of is that Kaye is threatened.  and probably always has been.  he's in a hard place really.  has had to sacrifice much as a result of his choices, i have to wonder if it is really all he signed up for.  regardless, it's his bed.  eric seemed to think if he were to pass i'd have regrets.  i've thought long and hard about that.  and i don't think so.  i love him.  i've told him that and i've told him i wish him happiness.  and since doing so i've not had any communication from him to me, so i've done all i can do.  i feel any more would be fruitless & hurtful more so to my family (kate & matt) then me.  for i don't want them totally hating him.  as it is now he's a non-factor. 

it snowed yesterday.  :)  and today you've been gone 3 months.  it just doesn't seem possible.  i miss you terribly.  however, this is the time of year we will certainly celebrate your legacy!  Christmas carols, stockings, gift giving, & just good old giving to others!  certainly the magical spirit of Christmas was within you.

missing you more every day.  so glad you're whole again.  keep watch over my husband & kids please. 
love you too!
kel

i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart...

& now it's time to bring it to the surface.  the joy that is.  you know the song.  you probably sang it often as a child.  so now i'm challenging you to revisit the song and bring up the joy that resides 'down in your heart'.

you know it's a choice right?  JOY.  it's a matter of perspective. 

give yourself a month of joyful perspective and see if your outlook, frame of mind doesn't take a turn for the better.

may your heart be overflowing with joy.  for you have much to be joyful for.

you know how....

when you feel certain feelings towards others?  you question their motives, actions, words.  you find yourself uncomfortable with their decision making abilities and the reasoning they offer up as explanation.  ever have those moments?  i do.  i'd like to say not often, however it would be more accurate for me to say not with regard to many people or many institutions.  and then.....then there is that moment when someone(s) you do respect, admire, feel confident in, without warning and better yet unsolicited comes up to you and VALIDATES all you've been feeling.  WOW!  it's a good feeling and an upsetting one all rolled up into one big yuck ball of feelings/emotion.  especially when those of concern at the heart of the matter are directly involved with our children.  i need to be clear...i in no way believe children are in danger, otherwise i'd not be blogging rather i'd be raising all kinds of HELLo!  and in my heart of  hearts i have to think that somewhere along the way their path has gone astray. 

one trait i have and perhaps suffer from is just assuming intentions are good, people are nice & compassionate, they have others interest in mind as well as their own, and at no time would someone intentionally be calculated and mean.  anyone of you ever make that wrongful assumption?  when proven wrong....i am sickened to the core.  and like most all things i experience in this life and don't fully understand ....i turn to God and converse with Him. 

He doesn't magically make the problem or the person go away, however time and time again he has put another in my path, one who hasn't let me down and over the course of conversation confirms to me that i'm on the right track with my feelings.  which in turn results in additional conversation with me asking Him, "now what do i do with that?" 

thus far i've concluded these things:

1. sadly not all people have good intentions
2. not all people, irregardless of their position have your best interest at heart
3. listen to your gut instincts
4. don't seek validation from other for how you feel about someone or something....(it'll come on it's own)
5. this too shall pass...

life is a continual lesson.  we never stop learning and the teachers don't always have the best of intentions nor do administrators of life.  and experiencing bad with good, good with bad, will never end.  the true testament to the kind of person you are or aspire to be is how you handle the lesson at hand and what you learn from it. 

with that said....everyday i celebrate a little bit more because jr. high is drawing to a close for the van ness family!  WOO HOO!!!!! 

you showed up.... :)

I'm not quite sure how to put it into words because to some it would seem impossible, to others crazy, to others plausible and to me it was just amazing.

Yesterday I called 'home' and talked to mom.  It was a short covo in part because I just miss her so and really you can only communicate that in so many ways.  So after talking to her I set out for a relaxing bath to start my day.  Once that process was over and some time spent playing with the pooches, PJ & I decided to tease Ike so we hopped up onto the bed and taunted him because he didn't have the necessary spring in his step to join us.  Pooped out from playing both dogs sacked out as did I. 

I recall thinking I'd just close my eyes for a moment as I had things to do, an appointment to go to and then get the kids & go to work.  So I closed my eyes.  And I remember thinking I should wake up, get up but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it.  So I resolved to awaken when the church bells chimed.  I'm not sure how much time had passed really, but at the chiming of the bells I awoke.  The first thing I did was wipe my cheeks and feel the pillow case .....both were dry.

How could it be?  They were sure to have been dampened from all my tears.  For while I was 'sleeping' my mom came and held me.  I vividly remember rocking back and forth in her arms.  I remember sobbing on her shoulder.  So happy to see her, so happy to hold her, so happy to be held by her.  We remained entwined for sometime and tears of joy never stopped flowing.  It would've been impossible for my eyes to not have been puffy and my pillow case to not be soaked. 

Yet dry as a bone.  At the sound of the church chimes I awoke.  Refreshed, renewed and with just enough time to get going on my day.  I felt so comforted. 

I don't have any logical 'this world' explanation for what i experienced.  I just know it happened.  It eased my cares.  It comforted my soul.  And left me longing for more. 

I don't know that I saw my moms face.  I only know I knew her touch, smell, the soothing feeling you get from a mom.  I felt my hair being brushed back from my face and the tears being wiped away.  I am unsure if I went away for a moment of if the moment came to me but regardless it was a moment I'll treasure.

She showed up....that's what moms do. & yes!  she's amazing.

9485563

Good morning momma!  I've gotta tell you we've had a couple of weeks worth of days that you would love love love.  I can't remember when the colors have been so beautiful.  Life is still as crazy as ever.  I'm sure without a doubt that you know that though. 

You know it's been since July 30th since you've call me.  ....That's what you'd tell me if you were here, only that's not quite true.  I call....

Kids and I miss you loads.  I was talking to Kate the other day and she mentioned how much she missed you.  I am sure that surprises you a bit.  Just makes me sad to think how we overlook those we love when we have them.  Matthew got a bit teary eyed when he mentioned he had to remove your name as an emergency contact. 

The reality of you not being here really hasn't set in yet.  I don't know if/when it will. 

I read the book Heaven is For Real.  I found comfort in it and even got a bit excited for when I'll get to see you again.  Oh to be able to hug you & just hold your hand.  I think you were the softest person I ever knew. 

Please keep watch over us but especially my kids. 

love you & miss you. 

ramblings...

do you ever:
...wonder why some people always seem to be frowning
...simple listen to the songs being sung in church without singing along
...stop and watch the bird try to get the worm
...become amazed a all the colors in a sunset/rise
...give much thought to all the jobs, there are, all the rules/regulations in this life
...randomly wave "hi" to some stranger
...just look someone straight in the eyes, smile and say "hello" - even if you don't know them

did you know:
...there's a state library regulatory group who determines how your local library is ran (this one baffled me, idk why?)
...it takes less energy to smile/uses less muscles
...you determine how others affect you
...God knows the outcome of all of this "world" ....we need to not worry

have you ever:
...done a random act of kindness
...stood alone
...taken the high road
...said your peace
...asked for forgiveness
...said "i love you"
...said "i'm sorry"

don't you think:
...laughter is a great sound
...the wind feels good
...the sun is amazing
...a touch from another is soothing
...best friends are amazing
...true friends are a blessing
...mercy is necessary
...tolerance should be a given
...differences accepted

wouldn't you like to:
...be able to experience different cultures
...speak/understand different languages
...be you - at all times
...make a difference
...be the difference
...love - unconditionally at all times

finding my passion....finding me.

void of a passion....

for as long as i can remember i've heard people talk about their passion.  you're encouraged to find  your passion when seeking a profession/career.  then there are those who have a passion about a cause or in the form of a talent.  me....i've got nothing. 

people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up.  the earliest memory i have of this question is when i was  early elementary school age. it was posed to me on a sunday afternoon while exiting the church.  our pastor at the friends church was xen harvey.  awesome gentleman.  and i distinctly remember him shaking my brothers hand, commenting on his impeccable attendance record of having never missed a sunday and him asking eric what he wanted to be when he grew up.  eric's response "a pastor".  wow!  i remember thinking!  that's gonna be tough to follow.  immediately i remember trying to think what i could do for the rest of my life.  what did i enjoy?  what was i good at?  dance, twirling, gymnastics. dress-up.  all i knew for sure was i needed to quickly ready my answer. and before i could contemplate any further it was my turn to answer, "i want to be a playboy bunny when i grow up!"  i don't know when i've ever answered a question with so much enthusiasm, confidence and i spoke it as though it was nearly a done deal.  all i needed....a puffy white tail & cute ears.  right?!?

next time i recall that question "what do you want to be/do when you grow up?" was in high school.  you know, ask the teen!   those folks who most adults feel know nothing!  a sound, wise decision is sure to be made.  truth be told i had no idea.  i didn't know what all my options were.  i seemed to know more about what i didn't want to do than what i wanted to do/be.  not a nurse, not a secretary, not a medical anything, not a secretarial anything, .....so business i guess.  because business is everywhere ...that shouldn't really limit me.  so marketing/business it was.  and i learned in the classroom it was boring.  i learned in the real world it was shallow, manipulative, aggressive, competitive, and unrewarding.  so i reconsidered.  perhaps i would enjoy teaching.  it's rewarding...right?  sure it is.  and i enjoyed working with the KIDS.  THEY were awesome.  and then i dawned on me, it too seemed to be a business, aggressive, competitive, manipulative, and just like in the business world i left behind i encountered shallowness, intolerance, bullying at all levels and i bailed.  it obviously wasn't my passion.

i did direct sales and had success but then didn't really care if you bought something or not.  i taught dance.  that was fun.  but lets face it i'm older & much larger than when i did it for sport.  i coached, it was fun - i did it well, ....i was fired.  (a whole other blog) 

so i waitress.  i work with/for my friend(s).  i have great customers.  i smile a lot, laugh a lot, talk a lot, share a lot, and am humbled daily. 

i don't know that anyone would call being a waitress a "passion" but i'd have to say it really has been one of the more rewarding jobs i've done.  as i reflect as to possible reasons why...it boils down to one thing.  i get to be me. i've never been requested to change my point of view, opinion, religion, friends, relations.  i've not been censored, told who i can/cannot talk to, or what i can/cannot talk about.  i think the only sacrifice i've had to make is to adhere to wearing the chuckwagon t-shirt. 

i guess my passion is just being me.  after all my me is a good thing.  God created it and He doesn't make junk.  He had a purpose.  i don't know what that is, but i do know He is leading my way.  i stumble and fall from time to time (day to day) but He always picks me up, dust me off and we set back out.  my record, well thanks to his gift, his Son Jesus Christ - it's a clean slate. 

what's your passion?

jaded....

Jaded...that pretty much sums me up as of late.  Not sure of the meaning....hit up Dictionary.com & check it out.  I must admit it's not my choice of adjectives.  But it seems to be most accurate for the moment.

In all honesty it's probably the exact opposite of how I feel 99.9% of the time.  I'm not sure if it's PMS or PUBLIC or IDIOTS or all of the above that has me dwelling in a sub-par state but whatever it is it seems to have a hold on me.  My saving grace....God & His path for me and my dreams. 

My prayer list is long and even somewhat selfish.  There are so many people I know, friends & family dealing with the "C" word that I would appreciate prayers for each of them as they go through this journey and for their families.  I have friends who I long for them to know Christ....more over to WANT to know Christ, prayers for them and for me that I might be the proper witness.  For my children that they make good choices in all they do and that a fire might be lit inside of them driving them toward a passion all the while bringing glory to God.  For my family and all of the "stuff" ...literally we have to go through and deal with.  All the legalese of mom's passing, her home & stuff, an eventual auction, AND our current homes, the remodeling on both of them and PRAYERS for a buyer!!! 

I feel as though time is fleeting by and I'm stuck....ugh!  Prayers for me too I guess.  Difficult to ask for as I'm not really suffering, we have home(s), full pantry & refrigerator, jobs, and health, friends, etc....  In short, I'm truly blessed yet feel like I need ......need what?  I don't know.....other than to move! 

948-5563

well today is certainly a day for me to need to talk to you!  so many things running through my mind.  from cheer & all the frustrations with it, to requesting continued prayer for us selling one of our homes SOON, to new prayers for my friend marcia rush & her family.  there's so much going on.

andy is in NJ for the week, i pray he'll have safe travels and a great week.  keep looking out for matt!  basketball season is approaching and it concerns me.  he enjoys it, will be going to jt's for workouts over fall break so there's a lot to look forward to, what i'm not looking forward to and hopefully it won't happen this year is the mean spirits that have reared their ugly heads in the past.  so hoping that won't happen this year.  he's going to belize for basketball missions trip with quite a large group next summer so really praying this year is a stepping stone i the right direction for him.

i've also been feeling overly annoyed of late.  which has really led me to pull back or completely out of involvement with stuff.  not at all like me but really feeling it's best as so many others i'm finding beyond stupid & overly annoying.  it's as though i've adapted zero tolerance for others.  i swear as i grow older i'll become a hermit!  needless to say a move to the country with our own private 7 1/2 acres is much needed and the sooner the better!  .....like the song says, change is gonna do me good!

well, it's a georgeous day & the week is suppose to be awesome.  i'm gonna put some soup on for us to enjoy this evening.  i love & miss you loads.  wish i could feel your touch.

ttyl

948-5563

Well mom, what a weekend.  You had to have been pleased.  And perhaps a bit miffed that NOW everyone willingly pitched in.  Friday was not easy, but I felt you with me all the day long.  From the moment i turned into Fairmount and the sun began to shine down I knew you were pleased.  So many people came by to get a piece of YOU!  And all were very giving.  Many of your classmates stopped in too.  When it was all said & done tear down only took 30 min. at best and your charities will profit nicely!  $1741 wow huh? 

For the record, it's confirmed....I don't enjoy JD days.  :/  but enjoy seeing the fairmount folks.  Someone suggested we continue to rent out the space, pop up the tent & fill with table & chairs so that Fairmount only folk can sit, visit & people watch!   Great idea huh?  lol.  

I miss you mom.  ......not sure it's getting easier.

i love you too! 

fyi....i nabbed the "don'tyaknowiloveya" sign!   ;P

The Holy Spirit, Mom & Me....

Some might think this odd, question my experience, rebuke it all together or perhaps....fully understand. 

Have you ever felt God, the Holy Spirit?  Would you know it if you had? Do only the best Christians get to experience It?  Well, I have, I knew with out a doubt what I was feeling and I AM FAR FROM THE BEST CHRISTIAN!    What I was, both times I've been blessed by the Holy Spirit was BROKEN.  Completely Broken. 

The first time was over 16 years ago when I, in a single moment, gave it all to God.  I couldn't do it - this thing called life, without Him.  It wasn't a fix, flip of a switch and all things were great.  But it was a comfort to know He knew my path, my heart.  He had a plan and it was perfect. 

The second time I felt the Holy Spirit was just over a month ago.  I was standing over my mom at 1 a.m..  She was restless, agitated and the swelling had began, the kidneys were shutting down and her mind was not her own.  I felt helpless.  And in the moment I only knew for sure one thing and that was that my God, her God would have to provide the healing, comfort and peace.  In that moment I laid my hands, one on her head & one on her stomach and prayed.  Giving it ALL to God.  Fully trusting in Him.  And again that is when I felt It. 

My experience with the Holy Spirit is this....It's the most comforting, calming sensation of what feels like warm water pouring throughout my body.  It's a feeling of a place that you just don't want to leave.  It's a feeling that leaves you longing for it - again & again. 

After each of my experiences this life handed me interesting situations.  And trusting & knowing THESE situations were gonna be OK because God was in control has been just one side effect of my time with the Holy Spirit. 

My God has known my every need.  Has known my heart.  Has heard my cries, felt my pain and has willingly taken it all on.  My God has blessed me beyond measure.  He has loved me without conditions.  He has made me want more & more.  He has carried me time & time again.  He has never failed me. 

There's comfort in knowing God has a plan.  There's comfort in knowing He knows .....He knows.  There's comfort in knowing I can trust in His way, Always!

Thank you God for Everything.

9485563

well it's been a month.  & yes that's the longest we've gone without talking. it still seems like my phone is going to ring and you're going to tell me #1 what time it is & #2 just how long it's been since we last spoke.  well, it's 9:36am and we last spoke on the 4th of august.  remember?  you told me you 'REALLY LOVED ME'.  and i told you the same. 

i miss you....

private caller....

just so you know....if you're a parent of a school age child and you receive a phone call mid day from 'private caller', odds are it's re: your child or your child.

with that said, i got a call today from matt's swim teacher "mrs. van ness, i'm here with matthew in my office, this is the 4th time this semester he's been without his swim trunks.  his grade is suffering." 
me: "oh, well....ok.  yes, i'm am looking at his trunks now.  assuming these are the ones he's been using.  looks like he listened when i suggested he bring them home to be washed sometime soon" 
teacher:  "this is the 4th time he's been without his trunks, his grade is suffering"
me: (thinking to myself:  yes, you've mentioned that...or did you for get you mentioned that like my 13 yr. old forgot to take his trunks back to school) "ok, thanks for letting me know"
teacher:  "his grade is suffering"
me: "ok....thanks for the call.  have a good rest of your day"
click

now, i'm not even sure how many weeks in we are (& truthfully giving all we've been through the start of this year, don't really care) but i do know that the 1st week of school matt attended 1 day and week 2 only attended 3 days.  he remembered to take his trunks on friday of the 2nd week.  was absent the thursday of the 3rd week and his stuff was stolen out of his locker so when he returned on friday he was without trunks.  i remedied that by purchasing new trunks, 2 pairs to be exact because who knows when another pair will be stolen. 

and if i'm being honest, i really don't care.  there i said it.  end of story.  why?  well, it's 8th grade swim.  experiencing the class for what the instructor calls the 4th time without trunks isn't devastating to anyone.  frustrating to the instructor...yes.  detrimental to his grade...evidently, but to life...not so much.  and if i'm being really honest, i don't care or put much stock in grades.  especially at any level before high school. 

i want my kids to do their best.  but like me (& most of us) they're human, & they on occasion forget to take something with them.  i do it ALL THE TIME. 

i know this, matt can swim.  and he can swim well.  he can swim many different strokes.  he can float.  he can dive.  and we thank you mr. yordy for teaching him such things.  i have also learned from his time in 8th grade swim that he can be a victim of theft & it not really matter...as it's his fault he didn't have the $5 necessary to buy/rent the lock to protect his stuff while it was in the locker/locker room.  theif = 1; matt = 0 & docked grade! 

all this leads me to wonder....what if.....the instructor forgot to lock his door & something came up missing from his office....would his pay be docked?  or his evaluation be less than honorable?  what if....the instructor forgot something he needed for that days lesson plan?  again, would that error in judgement be reflected?...ANYWHERE?  (feel free to chime in here teachers if you have input....not enough copies for the day??? grades not returned in a timely manner???  left something at home, therefore must improvise, plan B if you will???  what's the penalty?  if any.)

so to my private caller....thanks for the update.  to my son, thanks for bringing home your disgusting swim stuff after a couple of weeks/weekends in the locker...wet, so that it may be washed and fungus free for further participation in the class.  oh & in case your teacher didn't tell you while you were held up in his office...your grade is suffering.  ....i on the other hand am glad you haven't drowned, however it sounds as if you're barely staying afloat!  ....suppose we could opt for speedo's as underwear....then you'll always be prepared! :) 

you wouldn't believe all the things that go through your mind when you lose someone you love.  at the forefront of mine has been the realization that i am without a parent in this life.  i'm not quite sure what to make of that really. 

8/11 my mom passed away.  i never really thought about losing her.  i knew complete healing would only really come when she passed from this life to the next but it really isn't something you plan on.  we had some 'time' if you will to contemplate her passing.  and she, from the conversations she had with others and what they have shared with us, had a feeling or premonition she would be going to her eternal home.  with my mom gone from this life i understand a bit more what to do with my feelings and emotions.  we loved each other, over came rough spots, she never gave up or walked away, and refused to leave from her corner of the world until she was ready to do so.  her phone number was always the same, 948-5563 as well as her address.  there's so much comfort in that, knowing where you parent is and how to get a hold of them.  there's so much comfort in knowing no matter what this life dealt that mom was always there.  approving or not, proud or disappointed, there was one emotion she never wavered on .....and that was love.  i knew, with out a doubt that my mom loved me.  she never spoke to me for what she didn't tell me.  she craved time with me and my family.  she couldn't get enough of us.  there's something to be said for that.

feb/mar 2010 - this is a guesstimate of the last time i spoke with my dad.  i called him.  my dad has 2 biological kids and 4 steps.  he lives in florida.  it is his sunday evening routine to call the kids.  well, so i've been told.  my brother receives his calls.  and after confirming so, i decided to call my dad to check in with him, update him on goings on in my life, tell him about his grandchildren, etc....  i was then able to see my dad in person in june of that same year at my nephews graduation.  he didn't acknowledge me.  or his grandkids...my children. 
this time i was the dead one.
the week after fathers day i mailed my dad a fathers day card.  i held on to it with the hope of delivering it in person as he spent most of the month of june in indiana.  he celebrated fathers day with my brother, his family and 2 of his steps & their families.  i wasn't included.  he left the next day, monday.  tuesday i dropped his card in the mail with a letter.  i had spent some time penning that letter.  adding and deleting, reading and rereading to make sure it said just exactly what i needed to day.  i suppose i could've called.  but like my father, i chose not to.  i stated in that letter disappointment in what our relationship had become, sadness that i felt due to feeling the loss of a dad, love that i'll always have for him and our memories together and hope for his happiness, and perhaps most importantly forgivness to him with regard to his decision to simply walk away.  his journey away from my life began when i was 16 years old.

7/2010 - i'm guessing is when i lost my dad. 
9/4/2011 - he told my brother to tell me he loved me.  .....i'm not sure what to do with that.


oh how i miss my mom! and her never wavering love.

9485563

well, amboy is listed.  still have to have drywall finished, floors covered, paint, siding, kitchen cabinets set & bathrooms....but it's listed.  kim has been helping here.  or doing it is more like it.  i'm such a sloth.  so over all the fixing up & what not, and just ready to sell & be done...move & be done...just ready to be done. 

it's been a week of missing you loads for me.  i think matt is really missing you too.  we shared in some tears together monday night.  i feel like there's just so much that i need to hear from you.  i can get out what i need to say but not hearing your response is really starting to bum me out. 

we meet with mark next thursday.  i pray it just goes smooth.  i don't know why it shouldn't.  you know me, not good with processes.  and lately it seems as though that's all life has been.  wish i could just make what needs to happen...happen. 

well, i miss you....that's really all for now.  i'm taking kate to dr. later.  her lungs are hurting again.  once we get more meds i'm sure she'll be fine. 

trying to keep it all together through all of this.  ....you know me, not really one to "lose" it. 

and i "really love you too"

talk to you later.

948-5563

good morning!  I am having flash backs to my childhood when you went to bat for a cause re: the school(s) and what you & your group of women/men thought of how things were being ran!  lol  I've got a fire burning in my belly over some issues and am trying to figure out the best course of action.  All the talk of bullying in schools and sadly I tend to see it at every level.  Life truly is a classroom.  Parents are afraid to speak out for fear of repercussions toward their child.  Only one on one meetings (if any) are all that seem to be held re: concerns because parents are viewed as a "lynch mob" when they don't agree with what is happening.  Or meetings are avoided all together.  The approach of 'if we don't acknowledge it then it certainly isn't a valid concern/problem', well - I just don't get it.

You know me, I question things until they make sense.  It's not that I don't think rules/policies have a place, they certainly do but there are times when further explanation is needed/necessary.  The whole "because I said so" mentality has never seemed to work for me or be a reasonable response. Pretty sure that response wouldn't fly if it was from the mouth of a student. 

I think it's unfortunate how much has changed over the years.  And that's something coming from me because you know I love change and often welcome it.  But not all change is good.  And when current employees, retiree's, and current & former board members all in separate conversations (they initiated!) echo the same sentiment "good 'ole boys club" & "decisions coming from local church" it's concerning.  And I can't help but wonder what to do .....seriously it's become the communities "elephant in the room", everyone sees it but no one wants to address it.  Adults are talking, students are talking ....but most feel as though it's a lost cause. 

I wish I had the answer.  I wish I felt like our voices would be heard.  I did my part at the polls...only to hear board members comment "i thought i'd be able to make a difference....only to realize i cannot".  So, with that...now what?  A little Irony, my last few months employed 2 administrators commented to me that if they received 3 reports of negative behavior they had to consider it a pattern....eveidentially that doesn't apply to administration, rather only to those who need to be controlled or kept in check!  I feel certain there have been more than 3 complains similar in nature levied.  It's all disheartening to say the least. 

On the up side, I'm pleased with most of the kids' classroom teachers & experiences.  Team that with a pretty decent community & over all it's all good.  I am thankful I've been able to keep it real with my kids and they've been able to identify and adjust to concerns.  After all a spade is a spade.

Oh how I'd love to hear your advice on all of this. At least that which you'd offer up while you still had your 'fight' in you!  For now I am prayerful. 

....oh the lessons learned and yet to be learned.  I love you momma & miss you much.  Glad to still be able to talk to you though!  Hoping God has deemed you an Angel and assigned you my family & children.  Tell grandma & grandpa I love & miss them too!  Gigner said she was able to see you cartwheel through the pearly gates!  ...I'm just a bit jealous! 

talk to you later....I know you do!

948-5563

good morning.  well, it happened.  i was going to the school to pick up kathryn last night and totally picked up my cell to call you.  people would be pleased to know i cried....some more.  then i figured it was your way of telling me to "call" as it's been a few days. 

i am sure you know we had a busy weekend.  nothing new for us...and honestly i'm kinda over it.  ...all of it.  kate's squad competed at the state fair cheer comp. and did very well.  they placed 3rd out of 16 squads.  not too shabby for their first comp.  i picked up lisa, joes wife & lindsey to go with us and it was really nice spend time with them and get to know them a little better.  both are as sweet as ever.  in addition to all the funeral stuff and cheer stuff kate had a full day at lake webster for the youth lake day.  she's exhausted... as am i.

i know one thing, when we get moved....I AM SLOWING DOWN.  so is andy.  he said he wasn't doing anything for a year.  i think i'll join him.  i sure hope once september is here and the houses are listed at least one of them sells quickly!  i so want to move...sooner rather than later.  it will be such a breath of fresh air.

kim and possibly the girls are coming to get me in shape here at the swayzee house.  she's freaking amazing...i however am such a sloth. :(  why is that?

well, i miss ya....and love you!


.....i know, i really love you too!