Some might think this odd, question my experience, rebuke it all together or perhaps....fully understand.
Have you ever felt God, the Holy Spirit? Would you know it if you had? Do only the best Christians get to experience It? Well, I have, I knew with out a doubt what I was feeling and I AM FAR FROM THE BEST CHRISTIAN! What I was, both times I've been blessed by the Holy Spirit was BROKEN. Completely Broken.
The first time was over 16 years ago when I, in a single moment, gave it all to God. I couldn't do it - this thing called life, without Him. It wasn't a fix, flip of a switch and all things were great. But it was a comfort to know He knew my path, my heart. He had a plan and it was perfect.
The second time I felt the Holy Spirit was just over a month ago. I was standing over my mom at 1 a.m.. She was restless, agitated and the swelling had began, the kidneys were shutting down and her mind was not her own. I felt helpless. And in the moment I only knew for sure one thing and that was that my God, her God would have to provide the healing, comfort and peace. In that moment I laid my hands, one on her head & one on her stomach and prayed. Giving it ALL to God. Fully trusting in Him. And again that is when I felt It.
My experience with the Holy Spirit is this....It's the most comforting, calming sensation of what feels like warm water pouring throughout my body. It's a feeling of a place that you just don't want to leave. It's a feeling that leaves you longing for it - again & again.
After each of my experiences this life handed me interesting situations. And trusting & knowing THESE situations were gonna be OK because God was in control has been just one side effect of my time with the Holy Spirit.
My God has known my every need. Has known my heart. Has heard my cries, felt my pain and has willingly taken it all on. My God has blessed me beyond measure. He has loved me without conditions. He has made me want more & more. He has carried me time & time again. He has never failed me.
There's comfort in knowing God has a plan. There's comfort in knowing He knows .....He knows. There's comfort in knowing I can trust in His way, Always!
Thank you God for Everything.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
9485563
well it's been a month. & yes that's the longest we've gone without talking. it still seems like my phone is going to ring and you're going to tell me #1 what time it is & #2 just how long it's been since we last spoke. well, it's 9:36am and we last spoke on the 4th of august. remember? you told me you 'REALLY LOVED ME'. and i told you the same.
i miss you....
i miss you....
Thursday, September 8, 2011
private caller....
just so you know....if you're a parent of a school age child and you receive a phone call mid day from 'private caller', odds are it's re: your child or your child.
with that said, i got a call today from matt's swim teacher "mrs. van ness, i'm here with matthew in my office, this is the 4th time this semester he's been without his swim trunks. his grade is suffering."
me: "oh, well....ok. yes, i'm am looking at his trunks now. assuming these are the ones he's been using. looks like he listened when i suggested he bring them home to be washed sometime soon"
teacher: "this is the 4th time he's been without his trunks, his grade is suffering"
me: (thinking to myself: yes, you've mentioned that...or did you for get you mentioned that like my 13 yr. old forgot to take his trunks back to school) "ok, thanks for letting me know"
teacher: "his grade is suffering"
me: "ok....thanks for the call. have a good rest of your day"
click
now, i'm not even sure how many weeks in we are (& truthfully giving all we've been through the start of this year, don't really care) but i do know that the 1st week of school matt attended 1 day and week 2 only attended 3 days. he remembered to take his trunks on friday of the 2nd week. was absent the thursday of the 3rd week and his stuff was stolen out of his locker so when he returned on friday he was without trunks. i remedied that by purchasing new trunks, 2 pairs to be exact because who knows when another pair will be stolen.
and if i'm being honest, i really don't care. there i said it. end of story. why? well, it's 8th grade swim. experiencing the class for what the instructor calls the 4th time without trunks isn't devastating to anyone. frustrating to the instructor...yes. detrimental to his grade...evidently, but to life...not so much. and if i'm being really honest, i don't care or put much stock in grades. especially at any level before high school.
i want my kids to do their best. but like me (& most of us) they're human, & they on occasion forget to take something with them. i do it ALL THE TIME.
i know this, matt can swim. and he can swim well. he can swim many different strokes. he can float. he can dive. and we thank you mr. yordy for teaching him such things. i have also learned from his time in 8th grade swim that he can be a victim of theft & it not really matter...as it's his fault he didn't have the $5 necessary to buy/rent the lock to protect his stuff while it was in the locker/locker room. theif = 1; matt = 0 & docked grade!
all this leads me to wonder....what if.....the instructor forgot to lock his door & something came up missing from his office....would his pay be docked? or his evaluation be less than honorable? what if....the instructor forgot something he needed for that days lesson plan? again, would that error in judgement be reflected?...ANYWHERE? (feel free to chime in here teachers if you have input....not enough copies for the day??? grades not returned in a timely manner??? left something at home, therefore must improvise, plan B if you will??? what's the penalty? if any.)
so to my private caller....thanks for the update. to my son, thanks for bringing home your disgusting swim stuff after a couple of weeks/weekends in the locker...wet, so that it may be washed and fungus free for further participation in the class. oh & in case your teacher didn't tell you while you were held up in his office...your grade is suffering. ....i on the other hand am glad you haven't drowned, however it sounds as if you're barely staying afloat! ....suppose we could opt for speedo's as underwear....then you'll always be prepared! :)
with that said, i got a call today from matt's swim teacher "mrs. van ness, i'm here with matthew in my office, this is the 4th time this semester he's been without his swim trunks. his grade is suffering."
me: "oh, well....ok. yes, i'm am looking at his trunks now. assuming these are the ones he's been using. looks like he listened when i suggested he bring them home to be washed sometime soon"
teacher: "this is the 4th time he's been without his trunks, his grade is suffering"
me: (thinking to myself: yes, you've mentioned that...or did you for get you mentioned that like my 13 yr. old forgot to take his trunks back to school) "ok, thanks for letting me know"
teacher: "his grade is suffering"
me: "ok....thanks for the call. have a good rest of your day"
click
now, i'm not even sure how many weeks in we are (& truthfully giving all we've been through the start of this year, don't really care) but i do know that the 1st week of school matt attended 1 day and week 2 only attended 3 days. he remembered to take his trunks on friday of the 2nd week. was absent the thursday of the 3rd week and his stuff was stolen out of his locker so when he returned on friday he was without trunks. i remedied that by purchasing new trunks, 2 pairs to be exact because who knows when another pair will be stolen.
and if i'm being honest, i really don't care. there i said it. end of story. why? well, it's 8th grade swim. experiencing the class for what the instructor calls the 4th time without trunks isn't devastating to anyone. frustrating to the instructor...yes. detrimental to his grade...evidently, but to life...not so much. and if i'm being really honest, i don't care or put much stock in grades. especially at any level before high school.
i want my kids to do their best. but like me (& most of us) they're human, & they on occasion forget to take something with them. i do it ALL THE TIME.
i know this, matt can swim. and he can swim well. he can swim many different strokes. he can float. he can dive. and we thank you mr. yordy for teaching him such things. i have also learned from his time in 8th grade swim that he can be a victim of theft & it not really matter...as it's his fault he didn't have the $5 necessary to buy/rent the lock to protect his stuff while it was in the locker/locker room. theif = 1; matt = 0 & docked grade!
all this leads me to wonder....what if.....the instructor forgot to lock his door & something came up missing from his office....would his pay be docked? or his evaluation be less than honorable? what if....the instructor forgot something he needed for that days lesson plan? again, would that error in judgement be reflected?...ANYWHERE? (feel free to chime in here teachers if you have input....not enough copies for the day??? grades not returned in a timely manner??? left something at home, therefore must improvise, plan B if you will??? what's the penalty? if any.)
so to my private caller....thanks for the update. to my son, thanks for bringing home your disgusting swim stuff after a couple of weeks/weekends in the locker...wet, so that it may be washed and fungus free for further participation in the class. oh & in case your teacher didn't tell you while you were held up in his office...your grade is suffering. ....i on the other hand am glad you haven't drowned, however it sounds as if you're barely staying afloat! ....suppose we could opt for speedo's as underwear....then you'll always be prepared! :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
you wouldn't believe all the things that go through your mind when you lose someone you love. at the forefront of mine has been the realization that i am without a parent in this life. i'm not quite sure what to make of that really.
8/11 my mom passed away. i never really thought about losing her. i knew complete healing would only really come when she passed from this life to the next but it really isn't something you plan on. we had some 'time' if you will to contemplate her passing. and she, from the conversations she had with others and what they have shared with us, had a feeling or premonition she would be going to her eternal home. with my mom gone from this life i understand a bit more what to do with my feelings and emotions. we loved each other, over came rough spots, she never gave up or walked away, and refused to leave from her corner of the world until she was ready to do so. her phone number was always the same, 948-5563 as well as her address. there's so much comfort in that, knowing where you parent is and how to get a hold of them. there's so much comfort in knowing no matter what this life dealt that mom was always there. approving or not, proud or disappointed, there was one emotion she never wavered on .....and that was love. i knew, with out a doubt that my mom loved me. she never spoke to me for what she didn't tell me. she craved time with me and my family. she couldn't get enough of us. there's something to be said for that.
feb/mar 2010 - this is a guesstimate of the last time i spoke with my dad. i called him. my dad has 2 biological kids and 4 steps. he lives in florida. it is his sunday evening routine to call the kids. well, so i've been told. my brother receives his calls. and after confirming so, i decided to call my dad to check in with him, update him on goings on in my life, tell him about his grandchildren, etc.... i was then able to see my dad in person in june of that same year at my nephews graduation. he didn't acknowledge me. or his grandkids...my children.
this time i was the dead one.
the week after fathers day i mailed my dad a fathers day card. i held on to it with the hope of delivering it in person as he spent most of the month of june in indiana. he celebrated fathers day with my brother, his family and 2 of his steps & their families. i wasn't included. he left the next day, monday. tuesday i dropped his card in the mail with a letter. i had spent some time penning that letter. adding and deleting, reading and rereading to make sure it said just exactly what i needed to day. i suppose i could've called. but like my father, i chose not to. i stated in that letter disappointment in what our relationship had become, sadness that i felt due to feeling the loss of a dad, love that i'll always have for him and our memories together and hope for his happiness, and perhaps most importantly forgivness to him with regard to his decision to simply walk away. his journey away from my life began when i was 16 years old.
7/2010 - i'm guessing is when i lost my dad.
9/4/2011 - he told my brother to tell me he loved me. .....i'm not sure what to do with that.
oh how i miss my mom! and her never wavering love.
8/11 my mom passed away. i never really thought about losing her. i knew complete healing would only really come when she passed from this life to the next but it really isn't something you plan on. we had some 'time' if you will to contemplate her passing. and she, from the conversations she had with others and what they have shared with us, had a feeling or premonition she would be going to her eternal home. with my mom gone from this life i understand a bit more what to do with my feelings and emotions. we loved each other, over came rough spots, she never gave up or walked away, and refused to leave from her corner of the world until she was ready to do so. her phone number was always the same, 948-5563 as well as her address. there's so much comfort in that, knowing where you parent is and how to get a hold of them. there's so much comfort in knowing no matter what this life dealt that mom was always there. approving or not, proud or disappointed, there was one emotion she never wavered on .....and that was love. i knew, with out a doubt that my mom loved me. she never spoke to me for what she didn't tell me. she craved time with me and my family. she couldn't get enough of us. there's something to be said for that.
feb/mar 2010 - this is a guesstimate of the last time i spoke with my dad. i called him. my dad has 2 biological kids and 4 steps. he lives in florida. it is his sunday evening routine to call the kids. well, so i've been told. my brother receives his calls. and after confirming so, i decided to call my dad to check in with him, update him on goings on in my life, tell him about his grandchildren, etc.... i was then able to see my dad in person in june of that same year at my nephews graduation. he didn't acknowledge me. or his grandkids...my children.
this time i was the dead one.
the week after fathers day i mailed my dad a fathers day card. i held on to it with the hope of delivering it in person as he spent most of the month of june in indiana. he celebrated fathers day with my brother, his family and 2 of his steps & their families. i wasn't included. he left the next day, monday. tuesday i dropped his card in the mail with a letter. i had spent some time penning that letter. adding and deleting, reading and rereading to make sure it said just exactly what i needed to day. i suppose i could've called. but like my father, i chose not to. i stated in that letter disappointment in what our relationship had become, sadness that i felt due to feeling the loss of a dad, love that i'll always have for him and our memories together and hope for his happiness, and perhaps most importantly forgivness to him with regard to his decision to simply walk away. his journey away from my life began when i was 16 years old.
7/2010 - i'm guessing is when i lost my dad.
9/4/2011 - he told my brother to tell me he loved me. .....i'm not sure what to do with that.
oh how i miss my mom! and her never wavering love.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
9485563
well, amboy is listed. still have to have drywall finished, floors covered, paint, siding, kitchen cabinets set & bathrooms....but it's listed. kim has been helping here. or doing it is more like it. i'm such a sloth. so over all the fixing up & what not, and just ready to sell & be done...move & be done...just ready to be done.
it's been a week of missing you loads for me. i think matt is really missing you too. we shared in some tears together monday night. i feel like there's just so much that i need to hear from you. i can get out what i need to say but not hearing your response is really starting to bum me out.
we meet with mark next thursday. i pray it just goes smooth. i don't know why it shouldn't. you know me, not good with processes. and lately it seems as though that's all life has been. wish i could just make what needs to happen...happen.
well, i miss you....that's really all for now. i'm taking kate to dr. later. her lungs are hurting again. once we get more meds i'm sure she'll be fine.
trying to keep it all together through all of this. ....you know me, not really one to "lose" it.
and i "really love you too"
talk to you later.
it's been a week of missing you loads for me. i think matt is really missing you too. we shared in some tears together monday night. i feel like there's just so much that i need to hear from you. i can get out what i need to say but not hearing your response is really starting to bum me out.
we meet with mark next thursday. i pray it just goes smooth. i don't know why it shouldn't. you know me, not good with processes. and lately it seems as though that's all life has been. wish i could just make what needs to happen...happen.
well, i miss you....that's really all for now. i'm taking kate to dr. later. her lungs are hurting again. once we get more meds i'm sure she'll be fine.
trying to keep it all together through all of this. ....you know me, not really one to "lose" it.
and i "really love you too"
talk to you later.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
948-5563
good morning! I am having flash backs to my childhood when you went to bat for a cause re: the school(s) and what you & your group of women/men thought of how things were being ran! lol I've got a fire burning in my belly over some issues and am trying to figure out the best course of action. All the talk of bullying in schools and sadly I tend to see it at every level. Life truly is a classroom. Parents are afraid to speak out for fear of repercussions toward their child. Only one on one meetings (if any) are all that seem to be held re: concerns because parents are viewed as a "lynch mob" when they don't agree with what is happening. Or meetings are avoided all together. The approach of 'if we don't acknowledge it then it certainly isn't a valid concern/problem', well - I just don't get it.
You know me, I question things until they make sense. It's not that I don't think rules/policies have a place, they certainly do but there are times when further explanation is needed/necessary. The whole "because I said so" mentality has never seemed to work for me or be a reasonable response. Pretty sure that response wouldn't fly if it was from the mouth of a student.
I think it's unfortunate how much has changed over the years. And that's something coming from me because you know I love change and often welcome it. But not all change is good. And when current employees, retiree's, and current & former board members all in separate conversations (they initiated!) echo the same sentiment "good 'ole boys club" & "decisions coming from local church" it's concerning. And I can't help but wonder what to do .....seriously it's become the communities "elephant in the room", everyone sees it but no one wants to address it. Adults are talking, students are talking ....but most feel as though it's a lost cause.
I wish I had the answer. I wish I felt like our voices would be heard. I did my part at the polls...only to hear board members comment "i thought i'd be able to make a difference....only to realize i cannot". So, with that...now what? A little Irony, my last few months employed 2 administrators commented to me that if they received 3 reports of negative behavior they had to consider it a pattern....eveidentially that doesn't apply to administration, rather only to those who need to be controlled or kept in check! I feel certain there have been more than 3 complains similar in nature levied. It's all disheartening to say the least.
On the up side, I'm pleased with most of the kids' classroom teachers & experiences. Team that with a pretty decent community & over all it's all good. I am thankful I've been able to keep it real with my kids and they've been able to identify and adjust to concerns. After all a spade is a spade.
Oh how I'd love to hear your advice on all of this. At least that which you'd offer up while you still had your 'fight' in you! For now I am prayerful.
....oh the lessons learned and yet to be learned. I love you momma & miss you much. Glad to still be able to talk to you though! Hoping God has deemed you an Angel and assigned you my family & children. Tell grandma & grandpa I love & miss them too! Gigner said she was able to see you cartwheel through the pearly gates! ...I'm just a bit jealous!
talk to you later....I know you do!
You know me, I question things until they make sense. It's not that I don't think rules/policies have a place, they certainly do but there are times when further explanation is needed/necessary. The whole "because I said so" mentality has never seemed to work for me or be a reasonable response. Pretty sure that response wouldn't fly if it was from the mouth of a student.
I think it's unfortunate how much has changed over the years. And that's something coming from me because you know I love change and often welcome it. But not all change is good. And when current employees, retiree's, and current & former board members all in separate conversations (they initiated!) echo the same sentiment "good 'ole boys club" & "decisions coming from local church" it's concerning. And I can't help but wonder what to do .....seriously it's become the communities "elephant in the room", everyone sees it but no one wants to address it. Adults are talking, students are talking ....but most feel as though it's a lost cause.
I wish I had the answer. I wish I felt like our voices would be heard. I did my part at the polls...only to hear board members comment "i thought i'd be able to make a difference....only to realize i cannot". So, with that...now what? A little Irony, my last few months employed 2 administrators commented to me that if they received 3 reports of negative behavior they had to consider it a pattern....eveidentially that doesn't apply to administration, rather only to those who need to be controlled or kept in check! I feel certain there have been more than 3 complains similar in nature levied. It's all disheartening to say the least.
On the up side, I'm pleased with most of the kids' classroom teachers & experiences. Team that with a pretty decent community & over all it's all good. I am thankful I've been able to keep it real with my kids and they've been able to identify and adjust to concerns. After all a spade is a spade.
Oh how I'd love to hear your advice on all of this. At least that which you'd offer up while you still had your 'fight' in you! For now I am prayerful.
....oh the lessons learned and yet to be learned. I love you momma & miss you much. Glad to still be able to talk to you though! Hoping God has deemed you an Angel and assigned you my family & children. Tell grandma & grandpa I love & miss them too! Gigner said she was able to see you cartwheel through the pearly gates! ...I'm just a bit jealous!
talk to you later....I know you do!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
948-5563
good morning. well, it happened. i was going to the school to pick up kathryn last night and totally picked up my cell to call you. people would be pleased to know i cried....some more. then i figured it was your way of telling me to "call" as it's been a few days.
i am sure you know we had a busy weekend. nothing new for us...and honestly i'm kinda over it. ...all of it. kate's squad competed at the state fair cheer comp. and did very well. they placed 3rd out of 16 squads. not too shabby for their first comp. i picked up lisa, joes wife & lindsey to go with us and it was really nice spend time with them and get to know them a little better. both are as sweet as ever. in addition to all the funeral stuff and cheer stuff kate had a full day at lake webster for the youth lake day. she's exhausted... as am i.
i know one thing, when we get moved....I AM SLOWING DOWN. so is andy. he said he wasn't doing anything for a year. i think i'll join him. i sure hope once september is here and the houses are listed at least one of them sells quickly! i so want to move...sooner rather than later. it will be such a breath of fresh air.
kim and possibly the girls are coming to get me in shape here at the swayzee house. she's freaking amazing...i however am such a sloth. :( why is that?
well, i miss ya....and love you!
.....i know, i really love you too!
i am sure you know we had a busy weekend. nothing new for us...and honestly i'm kinda over it. ...all of it. kate's squad competed at the state fair cheer comp. and did very well. they placed 3rd out of 16 squads. not too shabby for their first comp. i picked up lisa, joes wife & lindsey to go with us and it was really nice spend time with them and get to know them a little better. both are as sweet as ever. in addition to all the funeral stuff and cheer stuff kate had a full day at lake webster for the youth lake day. she's exhausted... as am i.
i know one thing, when we get moved....I AM SLOWING DOWN. so is andy. he said he wasn't doing anything for a year. i think i'll join him. i sure hope once september is here and the houses are listed at least one of them sells quickly! i so want to move...sooner rather than later. it will be such a breath of fresh air.
kim and possibly the girls are coming to get me in shape here at the swayzee house. she's freaking amazing...i however am such a sloth. :( why is that?
well, i miss ya....and love you!
.....i know, i really love you too!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Intentional / unintentional
Intentional =(i)
Unintentional =(u)
these two words have been swimming about in my head for some time. i've pondered actions (i/u); words (i./u); relationships (i/u) and tried to sum up how i seem to go about most things...intentionally or unintentionally. I'll blame my friend Heather Neslteroad who is also a blogger and writes for a blog called the intentional journey. the name of the blog alone gives way to wondering.
God has our life/story mapped out. He knows the path, the obstacles and the intent. For us it's an unknown. However we do know how we choose to act/react, we choose our words/silence, we choose who we let in and who we let go.
I've given much thought lately to many of the people in my life, past and present. How I've allowed them to influence me. What power I gave up to them, if any. Why those who are still a part of my life are still and why others no longer are. Needless to say it's a lot to consider. In addition I am left wondering what if any impact I have had on others. ....intentional and unintentional.
I figure in designing me God had intent. As I've come to realize this I've also realized all I do and say will in some way result in some effect on something or someone. It's not about me.
Our journey through this life will be full of intentional and unintentional aspects. As I think about my relationships with people in this manner I find it sheds a new light on how I view them. I feel family is unintentional as they are who God has connected us with. But, as one grows choosing to retain/maintain those relationships is very much intentional. As a child my family was near, cousins, aunts, uncles, greats & grandparents and my parents were together. As an adult most all of those relatives have moved on, away or passed. Now keeping up those relationships becomes intentional. As does letting some of them go.
With the passing of my mom I really contemplated this even more. Our relationship was unintentional as a child and became very intentional as I grew to be an adult. I (we) had to work at it. And in the end it felt good to say I too would've chosen her to be my mom and I was glad we became friends. We (I) struggled with the mother/daughter thing. I'm glad we intentionally worked on our relationship. As friends came to pay their respects I was left wondering what might've happened to some of their friendships. I thought of their effect on mom's life and in some instances on mine. It was good to see old familiar faces and even better to feel as though you were able to pick up where you left off with some of them. Others had me wondering why exactly they would allow "stuff" of this life get in the way of paying respects and celebrating a life.
The last 3 weeks with mom gave me a lot of time to be reflective. It's given me a greater appreciation of family and friends. I've had many friends over the years and many people come and go from my life. I've thought a lot lately about those who remain in my life, intentionally or unintentionally and feel so very blessed that they are still around. Very blessed to know them. The past 3 weeks I've realized that I don't want or need to give "face time" or any of my precious time to those who have intentionally moved on with out me. For it's not the number of people one has in their life, rather the quality of people. I am blessed with a life long friend, Rhonda Compo Titus, a college friend, Jill Mercer, a best friend Anne Craun, and my modern day grownup friends Jessica Ankenbruck, Tana Boland, Techia Brewer, Cindy Evans, Stacy Hall, Heather Knee, Heather Nestleroad, Trina Nevers, Letha Powell, Cindy Roach, Sherri Rush. It's a comfort to know that when I get together with any one of those girls, it's just as it should be. Easy, reliable, comforting, calming, funny, and worth having. I can't begin to list all the friends/acquaintances that bring a smile to my face at the mention of their name, because God has blessed me with many.
God has intentionally put some really fantastic people in my life, for that alone my blessings over flow. I only hope going forward I can, with intent, be more pleasing to Him and a good friend, person to those who pass through my life.
I hope to live intentionally .....
Unintentional =(u)
these two words have been swimming about in my head for some time. i've pondered actions (i/u); words (i./u); relationships (i/u) and tried to sum up how i seem to go about most things...intentionally or unintentionally. I'll blame my friend Heather Neslteroad who is also a blogger and writes for a blog called the intentional journey. the name of the blog alone gives way to wondering.
God has our life/story mapped out. He knows the path, the obstacles and the intent. For us it's an unknown. However we do know how we choose to act/react, we choose our words/silence, we choose who we let in and who we let go.
I've given much thought lately to many of the people in my life, past and present. How I've allowed them to influence me. What power I gave up to them, if any. Why those who are still a part of my life are still and why others no longer are. Needless to say it's a lot to consider. In addition I am left wondering what if any impact I have had on others. ....intentional and unintentional.
I figure in designing me God had intent. As I've come to realize this I've also realized all I do and say will in some way result in some effect on something or someone. It's not about me.
Our journey through this life will be full of intentional and unintentional aspects. As I think about my relationships with people in this manner I find it sheds a new light on how I view them. I feel family is unintentional as they are who God has connected us with. But, as one grows choosing to retain/maintain those relationships is very much intentional. As a child my family was near, cousins, aunts, uncles, greats & grandparents and my parents were together. As an adult most all of those relatives have moved on, away or passed. Now keeping up those relationships becomes intentional. As does letting some of them go.
With the passing of my mom I really contemplated this even more. Our relationship was unintentional as a child and became very intentional as I grew to be an adult. I (we) had to work at it. And in the end it felt good to say I too would've chosen her to be my mom and I was glad we became friends. We (I) struggled with the mother/daughter thing. I'm glad we intentionally worked on our relationship. As friends came to pay their respects I was left wondering what might've happened to some of their friendships. I thought of their effect on mom's life and in some instances on mine. It was good to see old familiar faces and even better to feel as though you were able to pick up where you left off with some of them. Others had me wondering why exactly they would allow "stuff" of this life get in the way of paying respects and celebrating a life.
The last 3 weeks with mom gave me a lot of time to be reflective. It's given me a greater appreciation of family and friends. I've had many friends over the years and many people come and go from my life. I've thought a lot lately about those who remain in my life, intentionally or unintentionally and feel so very blessed that they are still around. Very blessed to know them. The past 3 weeks I've realized that I don't want or need to give "face time" or any of my precious time to those who have intentionally moved on with out me. For it's not the number of people one has in their life, rather the quality of people. I am blessed with a life long friend, Rhonda Compo Titus, a college friend, Jill Mercer, a best friend Anne Craun, and my modern day grownup friends Jessica Ankenbruck, Tana Boland, Techia Brewer, Cindy Evans, Stacy Hall, Heather Knee, Heather Nestleroad, Trina Nevers, Letha Powell, Cindy Roach, Sherri Rush. It's a comfort to know that when I get together with any one of those girls, it's just as it should be. Easy, reliable, comforting, calming, funny, and worth having. I can't begin to list all the friends/acquaintances that bring a smile to my face at the mention of their name, because God has blessed me with many.
God has intentionally put some really fantastic people in my life, for that alone my blessings over flow. I only hope going forward I can, with intent, be more pleasing to Him and a good friend, person to those who pass through my life.
I hope to live intentionally .....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
948-5563
Hey, sorry i didn't get you called last night. As I'm sure you know it was quite a long day. ....a long 3 weeks actually! I hope you like my outfits & hair & make-up. And did you notice? I even wore jewelry! and with that said, my ears are killing me! I just can't do the cheap stuff & can't imagine purchasing the good! lol oh well, it was a special occasion.
Not sure who Dave is, but he's next to you & grandma & grandpa! When we sat down erics chair kept sinking into the ground! jokingly he said "sorry dave, don't mean to invade your space" It was pretty funny....and yep, you guessed it; we were totally laughing as people began to gather around.
I think you would've liked the food! much better this time around.(wink)
I sure pray for clarity, smooth transitions and what not as we sort through everything. I flat out refuse to argue over money. & I sure hope Eric & Kim decide to move into the house. I can't imagine anyone else on that block! I just wouldn't be right!
I ask that you keep working on Matt. And keep an eye out for kate & andy too! How lucky you are to get to see grandma & grandpa! Joe and I decided the storms on sat & sun were you & aunt sandy working through things. lol. good to know it's all cleared up! as it's been sunny skies ever since! You know now that Uncle Ralph was right behind you! We'll be saying our "until we meet again" to him this weekend.
I feel like I'm on auto pilot. So much to get done before the 1st of sept. and a ton more to do during the month of sept. I've officially decided I do not like August at all & the only thing sept. has going for it is football!
Kate cheers her 1st varsity football game tomorrow night. can you believe it?!! She's beautiful mom, just like you! & matt....well, he's a cutie like me! sure wish he had more of his dad's personality though! a teenage boy "me" is a scary thing! lol
Dian Hoeimer has been so nice. She's gonna hook me up with some sandwich spread like you used to make! how sweet is that. You were a great friend mom to so many people and love by a countless number! What a testament to how you lived your life!
I love you.....will continue to miss you....and just so you know.....I would've chosen you.
....yeah, I know you do! I'll talk to you later. Good night
Not sure who Dave is, but he's next to you & grandma & grandpa! When we sat down erics chair kept sinking into the ground! jokingly he said "sorry dave, don't mean to invade your space" It was pretty funny....and yep, you guessed it; we were totally laughing as people began to gather around.
I think you would've liked the food! much better this time around.(wink)
I sure pray for clarity, smooth transitions and what not as we sort through everything. I flat out refuse to argue over money. & I sure hope Eric & Kim decide to move into the house. I can't imagine anyone else on that block! I just wouldn't be right!
I ask that you keep working on Matt. And keep an eye out for kate & andy too! How lucky you are to get to see grandma & grandpa! Joe and I decided the storms on sat & sun were you & aunt sandy working through things. lol. good to know it's all cleared up! as it's been sunny skies ever since! You know now that Uncle Ralph was right behind you! We'll be saying our "until we meet again" to him this weekend.
I feel like I'm on auto pilot. So much to get done before the 1st of sept. and a ton more to do during the month of sept. I've officially decided I do not like August at all & the only thing sept. has going for it is football!
Kate cheers her 1st varsity football game tomorrow night. can you believe it?!! She's beautiful mom, just like you! & matt....well, he's a cutie like me! sure wish he had more of his dad's personality though! a teenage boy "me" is a scary thing! lol
Dian Hoeimer has been so nice. She's gonna hook me up with some sandwich spread like you used to make! how sweet is that. You were a great friend mom to so many people and love by a countless number! What a testament to how you lived your life!
I love you.....will continue to miss you....and just so you know.....I would've chosen you.
....yeah, I know you do! I'll talk to you later. Good night
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
948-5563
Oh my goodness! Heather & I went shopping to get me some clothes to wear the next couple of days. You're gonna love the outfits! And just for you I have accessorized. :) Yesterday wasn't without it's excitement either. My mind is goop right now and focus is beyond short! Just leaving the parking lot i was almost in 3 fender benders and then when taking her home I was on 500 W and right by Nancy Solis' house some blue hair in a little red car totally ran the stop sign and pulled out & turned in front of us! REALLY!!!! The parking lot fieasco was totally all on me but this other NOT! Once we realized we were ok we started laughing! Heather had to pee so bad and I about pooped myself! I decided 'ole blue hair' was probably equipped with the proper under-garment for such occasions! Longest drive to Heathers house EVER!!!!
Like Andy's little bit of excitement & safety...I'll attribute our safety to you also...& God of course! Any other time I might say my defensive driving skills were to account for our safety but not this time!
Kate is wearing down....always happens this time of year and all the extra stuff doesn't help. Sure hope someone picks up the slack and begins prayers for Matthew! ....School is NOT his thing! & we're only on day 2 for him as he missed friday. Feel free to never leave his side! As I feel like when it comes to him my mom skills are lacking. ......and since he's just like me & you did an "ok" job with me.... lol
I didn't feel bad calling. You say you never sleep anyway, so I figured you'd be up. We all have a full day ahead of us. Without a doubt it'll be overwhelming! Can't wait to tell you who all stopped by.
...I miss you too. love you & we'll talk later.
Like Andy's little bit of excitement & safety...I'll attribute our safety to you also...& God of course! Any other time I might say my defensive driving skills were to account for our safety but not this time!
Kate is wearing down....always happens this time of year and all the extra stuff doesn't help. Sure hope someone picks up the slack and begins prayers for Matthew! ....School is NOT his thing! & we're only on day 2 for him as he missed friday. Feel free to never leave his side! As I feel like when it comes to him my mom skills are lacking. ......and since he's just like me & you did an "ok" job with me.... lol
I didn't feel bad calling. You say you never sleep anyway, so I figured you'd be up. We all have a full day ahead of us. Without a doubt it'll be overwhelming! Can't wait to tell you who all stopped by.
...I miss you too. love you & we'll talk later.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
life...
The key to living happily ever after is to ....Live.
I can't remember a time as an adult when I didn't wish my mom could just live.
As individuals we all have our own definition of what living is. But as she lays, sedated in CCU it saddens me to think perhaps she never fully lived. She enjoyed travel and when I was a child we traveled often. She loved her parents endlessly so much so she never really left their side. But as her life continued changes occurred that required her to also change if she wanted to continue to "live".....sadly few changes took place. Her new life, in order to be lived would require a complete change of course or so it seemed.....to me anyway.
After visits with mom I would often be so frustrated because I always felt like there was more she could do. Perhaps not physically but I always felt there were choices that she could make that would've allowed her to "live". For as she was going about her life within the walls of her home friends, neighbors, family & a world were living out side of her house.
One never knows how they might react to life changing situations. Divorce, losing best friends, children moving out, the passing of parents, loss of job due to disabilities....so many things of this life can force our hand and cause us to have to change course. I viewed such instances as God saying...'I have a different path for you...' I don't know if that's truly the case but it's what get's me through.
For 12 days my mom has been in a hospital bed. for 10 of those days she's not been "living" if you will. Don't get me wrong ...her vitals are good, no signs of infection, heart is strong....but she's heavily sedated, kidneys are not at all doing their job, gout has taken over her body, tubes are running through her and over the course of a week I've been unable to hear the sound of her voice. But I know she can hear mine.
I've prayed to God as have many of my friends. I've felt His spirit as I've stood by her bedside and I know His plan is perfect.
I want my mom to live. Who doesn't right? But I want my mom to live life happily ever after. A life without depression, gout, painful joints. I want my mom to feel joy, love, laughter. To lay her head down at night with a sigh of exhaustion from having experienced so many of Gods blessings that day. I've always wanted that for her....and now I have to wonder if it will (has) ever happen.
I'm at peace only because I know a great great God is in control and her life is written down. But I selfishly pray that there's a chapter left that will allow me to hear her laughter, loving words, and just let us talk again....in this life.
I can't remember a time as an adult when I didn't wish my mom could just live.
As individuals we all have our own definition of what living is. But as she lays, sedated in CCU it saddens me to think perhaps she never fully lived. She enjoyed travel and when I was a child we traveled often. She loved her parents endlessly so much so she never really left their side. But as her life continued changes occurred that required her to also change if she wanted to continue to "live".....sadly few changes took place. Her new life, in order to be lived would require a complete change of course or so it seemed.....to me anyway.
After visits with mom I would often be so frustrated because I always felt like there was more she could do. Perhaps not physically but I always felt there were choices that she could make that would've allowed her to "live". For as she was going about her life within the walls of her home friends, neighbors, family & a world were living out side of her house.
One never knows how they might react to life changing situations. Divorce, losing best friends, children moving out, the passing of parents, loss of job due to disabilities....so many things of this life can force our hand and cause us to have to change course. I viewed such instances as God saying...'I have a different path for you...' I don't know if that's truly the case but it's what get's me through.
For 12 days my mom has been in a hospital bed. for 10 of those days she's not been "living" if you will. Don't get me wrong ...her vitals are good, no signs of infection, heart is strong....but she's heavily sedated, kidneys are not at all doing their job, gout has taken over her body, tubes are running through her and over the course of a week I've been unable to hear the sound of her voice. But I know she can hear mine.
I've prayed to God as have many of my friends. I've felt His spirit as I've stood by her bedside and I know His plan is perfect.
I want my mom to live. Who doesn't right? But I want my mom to live life happily ever after. A life without depression, gout, painful joints. I want my mom to feel joy, love, laughter. To lay her head down at night with a sigh of exhaustion from having experienced so many of Gods blessings that day. I've always wanted that for her....and now I have to wonder if it will (has) ever happen.
I'm at peace only because I know a great great God is in control and her life is written down. But I selfishly pray that there's a chapter left that will allow me to hear her laughter, loving words, and just let us talk again....in this life.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday has reclaimed it's place as my favorite day. It's a family day. It's the Lords day. It's a day of seeing people I enjoy. And, for the most part it's a day of unscheduled events. As of the first of July my church was blessed with a new pastor. And wow, it's become impossible to sit in the pew, look around and not be filled with joy. Only one other time in my life have I felt such immediate gratification from the Lord as I have felt, witnessed and heard over the course of the month. Such a blessing. Just the fuel necessary to re-ignite the passion with in to further know Christ Jesus!
This past Sunday really hit it all home for me. It was great seeing members of our family who had left return home for a visit....sparked by curiosity perhaps but certainly an indicator that they had not forgotten us or fully given up. That is a feel good moment. As the message was being delivered I couldn't help but think about current events in my life, situations that have caused concern. I felt as though God had a message He wanted me to hear and in the middle of it all I looked down to see another person involved in all the "stuff" also sitting and listening. I only hope he gave as much thought to the message as I did. Either way I felt assured that HIS will would be done, my concerns had been heard and with out a doubt He is my comforter. God is Good!
The other thing that struck me as services let out was how I missed seeing old friends there. I sent them a message to that effect with an invite to give us a try again, I can only hope that perhaps one day they'll come again. I know it's tough especially when Sunday seems to be THE only day everyone can ever get together. But I'll continue to hold out hope.
On a different note, for over a year I have been a sounding block for some coaches, parents, etc....I've "absorbed" if you will all the information you could possibly throw at me. Over the course of listening to all of it I've nearly bit off my tongue, and lost sleep because of my silence. Well, NO MORE! I'm officially over-saturated and done being a sounding board with out a response. .....just saying, notice has been served!
Asking for prayers for many kids/teen that I know/knew and worked with during my time in the schools. I'm seeing a lot of self-destructive behavior that really saddens and concerns me and should really concern others as well.
Delving into the B-attitudes this week. ....won't you join me!
This past Sunday really hit it all home for me. It was great seeing members of our family who had left return home for a visit....sparked by curiosity perhaps but certainly an indicator that they had not forgotten us or fully given up. That is a feel good moment. As the message was being delivered I couldn't help but think about current events in my life, situations that have caused concern. I felt as though God had a message He wanted me to hear and in the middle of it all I looked down to see another person involved in all the "stuff" also sitting and listening. I only hope he gave as much thought to the message as I did. Either way I felt assured that HIS will would be done, my concerns had been heard and with out a doubt He is my comforter. God is Good!
The other thing that struck me as services let out was how I missed seeing old friends there. I sent them a message to that effect with an invite to give us a try again, I can only hope that perhaps one day they'll come again. I know it's tough especially when Sunday seems to be THE only day everyone can ever get together. But I'll continue to hold out hope.
On a different note, for over a year I have been a sounding block for some coaches, parents, etc....I've "absorbed" if you will all the information you could possibly throw at me. Over the course of listening to all of it I've nearly bit off my tongue, and lost sleep because of my silence. Well, NO MORE! I'm officially over-saturated and done being a sounding board with out a response. .....just saying, notice has been served!
Asking for prayers for many kids/teen that I know/knew and worked with during my time in the schools. I'm seeing a lot of self-destructive behavior that really saddens and concerns me and should really concern others as well.
Delving into the B-attitudes this week. ....won't you join me!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
oh the irony....
my last blog was about the golden rule. interestingly enough this rule has be under examination from my point of view.
just so we're all on the same page it's goes like this "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". quite a message. one that i would interpret to be: hey, i am gonna be nice to you because i would appreciate your kindness in return. makes good sense if you ask me. but what about those times when the treatment given seems unfathomable let alone something someone would want repeated.
2 years ago i was terminated from a job that i loved. the 3 points that contributed to my being let go had to do with 1) seeking the truth 2) not lying to protect the system/program 3) not lying about my opinion re: a person. it was also stated that i refused to work with someone i didn't care for and truth be told (hahaha) that couldn't be further from the truth. for i put on my big girl panties and covered when asked for the coach when she was unable to attend. and furthermore did it willingly without issue because that is what should've been done and what i would've expected should i have been in need. (somewhere along the line that little fact never came into play)
i would've like to have thought that 2 years out i would've moved past all of this, however in light of recent events in our lives i've been brought back to it all and frankly, it stings. big time!
for those at the helm have sent this message.....we will not tolerate a truth if it is not our own. and we will accept lying. i can't begin to tell you the message this has sent to me as a parent and to my children as students and athletes.
i cannot control behaviors. i can control my own. i'm not perfect and don't claim to be, i can say that i did not lie to a parent, or student, or administrator. ....i find it sad that those i'm referring to cannot do the same.
i can and will prayerfully lift up what is an ugly situation. and will do what i can to be a part of a solution to what i view as an unacceptable problem.
i've always been a fan of change....i think the powers that be that head up our system could certainly stand to be changed. for the message they're sending just shouldn't be acceptable.
and if it is acceptable, well.....truth be damned.
just so we're all on the same page it's goes like this "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". quite a message. one that i would interpret to be: hey, i am gonna be nice to you because i would appreciate your kindness in return. makes good sense if you ask me. but what about those times when the treatment given seems unfathomable let alone something someone would want repeated.
2 years ago i was terminated from a job that i loved. the 3 points that contributed to my being let go had to do with 1) seeking the truth 2) not lying to protect the system/program 3) not lying about my opinion re: a person. it was also stated that i refused to work with someone i didn't care for and truth be told (hahaha) that couldn't be further from the truth. for i put on my big girl panties and covered when asked for the coach when she was unable to attend. and furthermore did it willingly without issue because that is what should've been done and what i would've expected should i have been in need. (somewhere along the line that little fact never came into play)
i would've like to have thought that 2 years out i would've moved past all of this, however in light of recent events in our lives i've been brought back to it all and frankly, it stings. big time!
for those at the helm have sent this message.....we will not tolerate a truth if it is not our own. and we will accept lying. i can't begin to tell you the message this has sent to me as a parent and to my children as students and athletes.
i cannot control behaviors. i can control my own. i'm not perfect and don't claim to be, i can say that i did not lie to a parent, or student, or administrator. ....i find it sad that those i'm referring to cannot do the same.
i can and will prayerfully lift up what is an ugly situation. and will do what i can to be a part of a solution to what i view as an unacceptable problem.
i've always been a fan of change....i think the powers that be that head up our system could certainly stand to be changed. for the message they're sending just shouldn't be acceptable.
and if it is acceptable, well.....truth be damned.
Monday, June 20, 2011
mid june...2011
sometime ago i decided to put the golden rule in to practice. we've all heard it, been advised to use it and often like to offer it up as advice to others. you know how it goes...'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. it's a simple principle really yet the stuff of this life can make the simplicity of it oh so challenging at times. in addition i've done my best to be more conscious of others' feelings, situations, and differences that in many occasions might've set us apart, i've tried to allow them to connect me with others as opposed to disconnect which is often the easier route. i have also increased my communication with God. not just in the form of prayer but for me and Him it's been more like conversation. the results thus far....INCREDIBLE if you ask me.
not that life has been with out irritations, annoyances, fits, & frustrations, but those have been far overshadowed by the blessing that i've been able to recognize and accept. friendships, acquaintances, and the thing that has stood out the most....God's hand in all of it and the power of prayer.
i've realized i'm not alone in the boat of frustration. i'm not the only one who cries out to God. He has made it easier for me to recognize the blessing and allowed me to more assuredly to go about this life knowing His plan is and has been in place. i just had to be open to it and receptive to whatever the out come may be.
i am at peace but not complacent.
it's not my place to ask 'why?' but to do as He has called me to do. i've realized this principle when put into practice has at times been questioned and perhaps even a time or two made others uncomfortable...but for me it just feels right. and truth be told...i like it.
i'm not perfect....would NEVER claim to be...for i'm a work in progress. and i'm working on being the best God would have me be. Loving, accepting, forgiving. .....all without judgement. it's the without judgement that tends to be the biggest stumbling block, but i'm working on it. because if you know me you know i have an opinion. (lol)
i've learned i cannot control what others do or think but i can control what i say and do and how i allow others to affect me and where i go from there.
it's been the best experiment so far! and you my friend have been just one of my many blessings.
as the rain falls, the thunder booms, and the lightening pops i'm reminded just how great our God is. to Him be the glory!
happy monday all!
not that life has been with out irritations, annoyances, fits, & frustrations, but those have been far overshadowed by the blessing that i've been able to recognize and accept. friendships, acquaintances, and the thing that has stood out the most....God's hand in all of it and the power of prayer.
i've realized i'm not alone in the boat of frustration. i'm not the only one who cries out to God. He has made it easier for me to recognize the blessing and allowed me to more assuredly to go about this life knowing His plan is and has been in place. i just had to be open to it and receptive to whatever the out come may be.
i am at peace but not complacent.
it's not my place to ask 'why?' but to do as He has called me to do. i've realized this principle when put into practice has at times been questioned and perhaps even a time or two made others uncomfortable...but for me it just feels right. and truth be told...i like it.
i'm not perfect....would NEVER claim to be...for i'm a work in progress. and i'm working on being the best God would have me be. Loving, accepting, forgiving. .....all without judgement. it's the without judgement that tends to be the biggest stumbling block, but i'm working on it. because if you know me you know i have an opinion. (lol)
i've learned i cannot control what others do or think but i can control what i say and do and how i allow others to affect me and where i go from there.
it's been the best experiment so far! and you my friend have been just one of my many blessings.
as the rain falls, the thunder booms, and the lightening pops i'm reminded just how great our God is. to Him be the glory!
happy monday all!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
what a month. june is always nuts around the van ness house but it seems to have been kicked up a notch this year. with the multiple graduation invites that brings about 1001 emotions joy, excitement, sadness, guilt(for not attending all & providing w/ a gift) dance recitals, weddings, town rummage, camps, workouts, and this year drivers ed. whew!
add to all the above 1 house totally gutted, 1 house mid remodel and 1 house longing to be purchased which would require 1 of 2 houses to be sold. soon! which means one must be done soon. not an easy or stress free task. my patience is tried and the disappointment is high and the tolerance low as well as the motivation. i find it amazing how 4 people can have a common goal but zero commonality on how to get there. this makes 3000 sq. ft. feel very very cramped.
4 frazzled individuals does not = a good time. and i'm struggling to keep the positive outlook and smile in my heart. i can get it on my face but past the surface is another story.
in addition june is the chosen month to honor dads. (oh look another monkey wrench) well, once upon a time there was a little girl who was told (and she felt) she was the apple of her daddy's eye. and then she grew up. the end. may you have a happy fathers day james a.draper. i still love you & those distant memories.
grades came, not to shabby. test scores even better. all & all i was proud. i've got some pretty smart kids :) proud.
feeling a bit blue today. sometimes i wonder if with out prodding i'll be given a compliment, hug, kudos, pat on the back and the oh so sought after 'i love you'. hopeless romantic at heart...not sure it's a great trait. especially when it gets lost.
ready for the moon to make an appearance. ....looking forward to laying my head down and closing my eyes. perhaps my dreams will bring about a smile from the inside...if only for a moment.
add to all the above 1 house totally gutted, 1 house mid remodel and 1 house longing to be purchased which would require 1 of 2 houses to be sold. soon! which means one must be done soon. not an easy or stress free task. my patience is tried and the disappointment is high and the tolerance low as well as the motivation. i find it amazing how 4 people can have a common goal but zero commonality on how to get there. this makes 3000 sq. ft. feel very very cramped.
4 frazzled individuals does not = a good time. and i'm struggling to keep the positive outlook and smile in my heart. i can get it on my face but past the surface is another story.
in addition june is the chosen month to honor dads. (oh look another monkey wrench) well, once upon a time there was a little girl who was told (and she felt) she was the apple of her daddy's eye. and then she grew up. the end. may you have a happy fathers day james a.draper. i still love you & those distant memories.
grades came, not to shabby. test scores even better. all & all i was proud. i've got some pretty smart kids :) proud.
feeling a bit blue today. sometimes i wonder if with out prodding i'll be given a compliment, hug, kudos, pat on the back and the oh so sought after 'i love you'. hopeless romantic at heart...not sure it's a great trait. especially when it gets lost.
ready for the moon to make an appearance. ....looking forward to laying my head down and closing my eyes. perhaps my dreams will bring about a smile from the inside...if only for a moment.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
just some thoughts
being a mom...
well, contrary to what i thought about motherhood years ago, it's truly the best gig out there. and like many things there seems to be 1001 ways to "mother" and 1002 opinions about how to do it & do it right. i certainly have opinions on it...what i do, wouldn't do, would like to do, what i think others should/shouldn't do, etc... i guess knowing for sure one way or the other weather or not you classify as a "good mom" lies only with the end result and can perhaps be gauged by the state of the relationship between mother/child(ren) along the way.
personally i've parented in such a manner with the hope of not only aiding my kids to grow & develop in a healthy manner & to be good, confident, self-sufficient people but also with the hope of having a strong bond, friendship if you will with them as they grow. It would be nice when it's all said & done to have them choose to 'hang' with the "rent". ;)
i'm pretty sure right or wrong what i'm doing is going according to plan. we're not without our issues but i'm a "big scheme" person and in the big scheme of things i feel as though both the future of my children is promising as well as my relationship with both of them. it seems a rarity anymore that kids enjoy time at home, yet mine do. kids rarely want to go and/or be with their parents yet mine still do. (age 15 & 13..perhaps the end is in sight)
it's not with an iron fist that i go at parenting. rather with a big heart and an open mind. i'm with out a doubt making mistakes but who doesn't in this life. i'm also striving to be true to them and to me. i've been brutally honest, painfully blunt, and an absolute open book. i've talked to and with them and have avoided ever talking at them. they've seen me fail and succeed, happy and sad, at the bottom and what i perhaps thought was the top. we've discussed struggles, hardships, life lessons, & the good, bad and ugly all in an attempt to have a perspective of how all of those things play out in this life. and along the way i realized and am reminded again and again, it's up to me to prepare them less for this life and more for one that's eternal.
i'll be judged along the way as will they but judgments here are only an opinion. i'm far more concerned with the final judgement.
i'm not perfect rather in progress as a mom and a person. but i do thank God daily for trusting me enough to bless me with both kathryn and matthew. if you ask me they're 2 pretty awesome individuals and i am thoroughly going to enjoy this journey with them.
well, contrary to what i thought about motherhood years ago, it's truly the best gig out there. and like many things there seems to be 1001 ways to "mother" and 1002 opinions about how to do it & do it right. i certainly have opinions on it...what i do, wouldn't do, would like to do, what i think others should/shouldn't do, etc... i guess knowing for sure one way or the other weather or not you classify as a "good mom" lies only with the end result and can perhaps be gauged by the state of the relationship between mother/child(ren) along the way.
personally i've parented in such a manner with the hope of not only aiding my kids to grow & develop in a healthy manner & to be good, confident, self-sufficient people but also with the hope of having a strong bond, friendship if you will with them as they grow. It would be nice when it's all said & done to have them choose to 'hang' with the "rent". ;)
i'm pretty sure right or wrong what i'm doing is going according to plan. we're not without our issues but i'm a "big scheme" person and in the big scheme of things i feel as though both the future of my children is promising as well as my relationship with both of them. it seems a rarity anymore that kids enjoy time at home, yet mine do. kids rarely want to go and/or be with their parents yet mine still do. (age 15 & 13..perhaps the end is in sight)
it's not with an iron fist that i go at parenting. rather with a big heart and an open mind. i'm with out a doubt making mistakes but who doesn't in this life. i'm also striving to be true to them and to me. i've been brutally honest, painfully blunt, and an absolute open book. i've talked to and with them and have avoided ever talking at them. they've seen me fail and succeed, happy and sad, at the bottom and what i perhaps thought was the top. we've discussed struggles, hardships, life lessons, & the good, bad and ugly all in an attempt to have a perspective of how all of those things play out in this life. and along the way i realized and am reminded again and again, it's up to me to prepare them less for this life and more for one that's eternal.
i'll be judged along the way as will they but judgments here are only an opinion. i'm far more concerned with the final judgement.
i'm not perfect rather in progress as a mom and a person. but i do thank God daily for trusting me enough to bless me with both kathryn and matthew. if you ask me they're 2 pretty awesome individuals and i am thoroughly going to enjoy this journey with them.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
nowadays....
i remember thinking how pretty she was & i wanted to be just like her.
now, she appears tired, worn down, hard and i hope to be anything but like her.
i remember thinking he was the one...couldn't imagine life without him.
now i know he wasn't even close to being anything i wanted or needed
i remember thinking she was my best friend, that i could tell her anything.
now, i couldn't tell you when the last time was we talked.
now, i couldn't begin to explain why she chose to break a confidence
now i'm left wondering how i could've been so wrong.
nowadays i tend to notice the heart of a person as opposed to the shell. i admire the deed/action far more than their words and appearance. for actions truly speak louder than words.
nowadays i know this guy, (andy) he is the one, and THIS is what it feels like to really NOT be able to imagine life without someone.
nowadays i find myself wondering if a best friend is even a possibility....all the while thankful for the friends i do have.
nowadays come with more knowledge, deeper lessons, more loss, and more pain....but as long as they keep coming i'm good.
it's truly comforting to know God knows what my 'nowadays' will look like. He knows why he has sprinkled my life with people He has chosen. He knows...and really, that's all i need to know.
today i think i'm pretty just as i am. i know i can go on with out him...but hope to never have to. i have a best friend in God and although He knows how i feel, what i think and what i'm gonna say/do, He keeps it between us and loves me anyway.
now, she appears tired, worn down, hard and i hope to be anything but like her.
i remember thinking he was the one...couldn't imagine life without him.
now i know he wasn't even close to being anything i wanted or needed
i remember thinking she was my best friend, that i could tell her anything.
now, i couldn't tell you when the last time was we talked.
now, i couldn't begin to explain why she chose to break a confidence
now i'm left wondering how i could've been so wrong.
nowadays i tend to notice the heart of a person as opposed to the shell. i admire the deed/action far more than their words and appearance. for actions truly speak louder than words.
nowadays i know this guy, (andy) he is the one, and THIS is what it feels like to really NOT be able to imagine life without someone.
nowadays i find myself wondering if a best friend is even a possibility....all the while thankful for the friends i do have.
nowadays come with more knowledge, deeper lessons, more loss, and more pain....but as long as they keep coming i'm good.
it's truly comforting to know God knows what my 'nowadays' will look like. He knows why he has sprinkled my life with people He has chosen. He knows...and really, that's all i need to know.
today i think i'm pretty just as i am. i know i can go on with out him...but hope to never have to. i have a best friend in God and although He knows how i feel, what i think and what i'm gonna say/do, He keeps it between us and loves me anyway.
Monday, May 2, 2011
things that make me go hummmm..................
I have to wonder...what would be the reaction from the older (60ish) lady shopping for a bathing suit at wal-mart if i had approached her and told her the one in her hand would make her look hot! ~ because you see, that was the "thought" that went through my head while quickly grabbing items from wally world. Albeit weird to probably have such a thought, i had it and offered up great restraint to NOT act upon it. Yet I think it would've been priceless.
I have to wonder...why. Why on so many levels and about so many things. For instance, how exhausting it must be to pretend. Pretend to be a parent, pretend to be a friend, to be happy, to be in control, to be "Christ-like". The past month has left me speechless, thoughtful and saying hummmmm quite a bit. I should clarify, - speechless simply because I've stunned and at the point of not being able to say anything nice so I've been silenced. I'm sure it's temporary.
On a serious note, US Navy Seals & the CIA have killed Bin Ladin. History has been made.
On a lighter note...I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of Jen Lancasters new novel!
Ugh...to feel free enough to really write what I'm thinking!.....
I have to wonder...why. Why on so many levels and about so many things. For instance, how exhausting it must be to pretend. Pretend to be a parent, pretend to be a friend, to be happy, to be in control, to be "Christ-like". The past month has left me speechless, thoughtful and saying hummmmm quite a bit. I should clarify, - speechless simply because I've stunned and at the point of not being able to say anything nice so I've been silenced. I'm sure it's temporary.
On a serious note, US Navy Seals & the CIA have killed Bin Ladin. History has been made.
On a lighter note...I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of Jen Lancasters new novel!
Ugh...to feel free enough to really write what I'm thinking!.....
