we talked.
i called,
we talked some more


just as i expected



....nothing more.

Times they are a changin!

At the ripe old age of 49 I feel at times I've gone numb. Or perhaps I've just decided to not let much of anything steal my joy. Either way I feels it's both peaceful and weird. My expectations of others can easily become a source of frustration or disappointment....should I allow it. Now don't get me wrong, I do feel a tinge of disappointment when something does not pan out as I would have hoped however somewhere in my 49 years I have learned to let it go. I have learned that my dreams for others should not dictate my level of happiness and certainly shouldn't impede upon it.

My dreams seem to be undergoing a bit of a shift. Ultimately my dream is for those I love to be happy with who they are, where they are and with the people that are in their lives. The challenge for me is sitting back, mouth shut and allowing life to happen - the good, the bad & the ugly of it all, and letting my kiddo's grow.

Feeling helpless when you have a child that suffers emotional issues is trying. Realizing that I'm quite possibly a contributing source of aggravation is difficult. My joy is diminished at the thought. Through this I am reminded that all things are possible ...... with God.

My family has grown and matured and decisions for 4 are few and far between. There are times the disappointment seems frequent .... but I have decided that's on me. I need to let go. My expectations, dreams, and desires are not shared by all. If I insist upon holding on to the disappointment will dominate and I am not willing to allow that to happen,

As my family grows, I am more and more thankful for my relationship with Christ. I can only imagine all the angst that I would be experiencing without it.

Have not had much contact with my father over the past 6 years. However at my brother's request he called me when he was here in June. It was awkward to say the least. Not warm, fuzzy, or any other kind of comforting adjective you might use to explain a call from a parent. It was just matter-of-fact like and somewhat short. I then received a happy birthday phone call that was cut short as his cell battery was dying. And while driving to a friends house I opted to call him for my drive. It was an ok phone call, yet kind of sad to me. We talked about my farm animals.

Six years almost have gone by in the lives of his grandchildren and not one question about them and how they were doing. This is what gets me. I know I have disappointed him, squandered his hard earned money on college with nothing to show for it. Made decisions regarding my life that are less than pleasing to myself as well as him, but those are all on me....NOT MY KIDS! I just don't get it.

Kat wanted to go see him while he was up here. She wanted to try to talk him into liking me (us) again. He had left by the time she returned home and wasn't able to do so. God love her for wanting to do such a thing. Eric has tried relentlessly at times to be the bridge.

You see, for me I am Switzerland. So much has changed, so much time has passed. I love him and miss him but..... I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't want to be there. And I'm a package deal! my kids & hubby & I! Just as he pointed out that he too is a package deal.

I don't know how this will transpire but time will tell. I do know that my Heavenly Father with whom I put ALL my faith and trust in will be my rock through it all. My concern here....my children.

it's happening...

I find myself, like my mother, wanting more time with my children. I stop and give them the time they ask for when they ask for it and mistakenly think that the same giving of time will be reciprocated.

perhaps someday...






imagine the day someday will be!

Summer before his senior year.... while driving I asked my son, who his favorite teacher had been, he couldn't come up with anyone. I asked how his favorite, most inspiring coach had been, he couldn't come up with one. It made me sad for him. And then I began to reflect on his school experinces and I became sad. His memory from 2nd grade was having his desk dumped by the teacher. His memory of 4th grade was hearing his teacher say she didn't enjoy having him in class. His memeory of 5th grade was being accused of not turning in his homework and missing out on recess, only to have the teacher find it later on her mess of a desk. The memory from 6th grade is of a teacher trying to have him removed from the high ability group because of his lack of effort, being told he was a liar*, and being repeatedly sent to the office. His 8th grade memory was that of a teacher throwing away his entire homework packet that he completed while out for his grandmas funeral. The guidance counslor doing nothing when he was shoved down, kicked and bullied, and begging me to homeschool him. So I did. He's struggled with math and per his parents instruction he's asked questions only to not have them answered. So he's had tutoring....and he has failed. He gave up busting his chops doing all the homework because many times he spent the hours struggling to do so only to complete the 25 assigned problems and then only 5 are graded. Missing 3/5.... resulting in an F v. 3/25 which is an entirely different out come. He realized zero effort in the area of homework was equilivant to the result obtained when time was spent. And honestly when there's a lack of understanding, it's a mute point.

Then there are the test, ECA's, PSAT, and regular class room tests, projects, etc. Now those....not a problem. He's smart and has a high capacity for learning and does exceptionally well on all of those things. He's smart, recognizes BS and hypocracy and doesn't buy into it.

I'm a HUGE fan of education and learning and inspiring and the experiences that have stuck with my son and me make me sad, mad and frustrated. For many years I insisted on him doing all of his homework and told him it was necessary for him to do his part 1) so he would have the understanding and knowledge necessary 2) it was what was expected, but when a teacher tosses into the trash the assignment, I can't undo the message that sends. Trust me I've tried. Perhaps after only one experience but not when it happened more than once. (& found out he's not the only one after hearing 2 other moms share their childs experience....sad)

So here we are ....summer before senior year. This coming weekend he'll take the SAT. The following weekend he'll take the ACT. And the next day he'll leave for Hoosier Boys State, an opportunity that he wouldn't have had if it weren't for a fellow church member who sees Matthew for the fine, smart, artiuclate young man that he is. He's talked to him, encouraged him and worked along side him and found it quite easy to recommend him for sponsership to be apart of this amazing experience. I'm excited for him to really just enjoy this year. And I'm excited for him to experience higher education. And more importantly he's looking forward to it as well!

So Senior year....let's do this! May this be the year of good memories for my boy!

*Matt told me that his teacher kept blaming a partcular kid for things that he was NOT doing and it was really upsetting to him because the one of the "good" kids was getting away with the disruption. So, in true Matt fashion, he caused the disruption....which resulted, as he knew it would, in this other child getting in trouble for it. Rightfully so the accused denied being disruptful and was told he was lying by the teacher. Having seen and heard enough Matt spoke up and said that she was wrong, that HE was the one who caused the disruption. He then got in trouble as well for trying to cover for this boy who had repeatedly been falsly accused. Needless to say it was another afternoon spent out of class and in the office.  

Ahh Mother's Day.... 2015 edition. Sometimes I'm not really all that sure what to feel or think about this day honestly. I'm thankful every day that I'm a mom. Often surprised by the fact that I am as it wasn't really something I thought I'd be. I'm reflective of my mom and our forever evolving relationship with one another and life without her since her passing. 

On this day I can't help but to think about many moms. Moms who've influenced me in on way or another. Moms who at times have seemed less than deserving of such blessings and those who long to be moms but for whatever reason their time just hasn't yet come, or may never. 

Today I've thought a lot about my moms friends. I smile and am touched by their kind words, encouraging words and thoughtfulness DAILY on my fav, Facebook. I think how happy mom would be that they're in touch, keeping tabs, and just straight up being supportive. My mom valued her friendships and relationships so much. They were a driving force for her for many years! She did all within her power to keep alive connections and friendships from her many paths in life. And frankly did it quite well. 

I'm quite certain my mom didn't have conversations with those who have connected with me via the modern day social site, asking them to keep me in their thoughts, to send me bits of encouragement, or to humor me with a "like" that sends the message 'I'm listening' but they do it anyway. And without a doubt it all stems from a friendship they've had with my amazing mom, and perhaps somehow in me they see or are reminded of her. I too have come to value those friendships. 

Mom isn't here this day, but last night alone I saw many of her friends who shared a smile, hugs, kind words and who undoubtedly knew that today, like many other days I'd be missing her a bit more. 

I like hugs & smiles & kind words & "likes". I like how they make me think of my mom and all the things good she brought to this world. I like that I'm reminded just how important relationships are. 

Happy Mother's day ladies! Happy Mother's day to me as well! 

my prayer...stay, connect, engage, bloom, grow, enjoy, find joy where you are.

#1 So many thoughts going on in my head. For years my mantra was if you think it, ok, if you say it be careful, but whatever you do DO NOT write it! I felt this way for many reasons but mostly because of a letter I had received from my dad when I was in college. I never destroyed the letter even though it destroyed a part of me. Rather I tucked it away, shamefully in a deep drawer in my bedroom and never referenced it again. When mom passed, it was one of the first things I looked for, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want anyone else to read it. The letter was never found and the built in drawers were torn out and removed....that was the end of that. Some time ago I had mentioned the letter to my brother who now lives in "moms" house and a day or so ago when we were talking he let me know he had found a photo copy of it in the old roll top desk. I was sick at hearing his words.Numb and sad.

"Just throw it away please" is all I could say.

And here I am blogging. Putting it in writing AND out there for whomever to see. Oddly enough it's become therapeutic to me. It clears my head and allows me to reflect.

#2 I used to know what her life was all about. Now, not so much. It's weird, and somewhat uncomfortable for me and I'm trying to understand. From being about the pink rag doll, American girl dolls, dance, cheer, youth group, and going to Purdue to ????? who knows what? I don't feel like I do. I know she wants to be a wife and mom and to work with children but I wonder if she wants it to the extent that she's willing to go through the processes to get there. Yes, the traditional route..... degree, married, children.... (ya know we want for our own what we were never able to achieve)

When going through a box of old stuff this weekend I found my old high school transcripts and my college transcript arrived in the mail. I reviewed them and was immediately disappointed in myself and although disappointed I couldn't wait to share them with my kids. Not to give them to "OK" to underachieve but to let them know I was far from exceptional, could have done SO much better and although all is well now, it wasn't always so. And I so do not want either to travel the roads I did in my 20's.

She turned 19 a week ago and I am trying to figure out my place. I find myself trying to figure her out, trying to understand where her head is. I find myself coming up empty more times than not. Our roles are changing I just pray that God will grant me the peace to be what/how/who I need to be for my girl as she continues to grow.

#3 What does one do with their own disappointment? Often I play the role of encourager. I'm the cheerleader, prayer warrior, the one with the extended hand to pick you up! And not very often do I think about, or dwell on the things in life that disappoint me. I give them to God....but lately I seem to keep taking a few of them back. Like a tickle in the back of my throat I can't seem to get rid of the lingering hurt that has come from some disappointing circumstances of late.

My eyes tear up, but the tears won't fall. My mind reels and won't rest. My patience feels as though they're waning and my smile ....not sure if it's real or fake at times. ....sigh.... It's in these moments that I really miss my mom. (mom's can handle anything right.....and I am one....) I could let it all out, share my tears, and always come away feeling better. Not "fixed" necessarily, but better, competent.

Well there...it's out there, in writing for all to see, read, for me I just need to focus on this:

Proverbs 3:5-12The Message (MSG)

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
    your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
    don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
    a father’s delight is behind all this.

Movie date with my hubby last night to see Cinderella. Quite good by the way! ....but as I was watching the moving memories came flooding back from a moment in my childhood.

My dad had returned home from some trip and he brought back for me a pair of "glass" slippers, a Cinderella watch and jewelry box. He said they were for his princess.

I contemplated this memory quite a bit both during the movie and the ride home. Many thoughts went through my head: my how times have changed? why did he go away for a time....was it really for work? and why hasn't he called/reached out like my brother said he wanted to do, let by gone be by gone, forgive (not sure for what) & forget, and just move forward. (my response to my brother when he shared with me that that was dads wish....fine, done, give him my number and have him give me a call)

No call...it's been a few weeks.

I wonder what ever happened to that jewelry box, watch and slippers. I what ever happened ....period.

I believe that life is all be design. I live this life as faithfully as I can possibly be, knowing God is 100% in control of all that comes my way.

I'd say that it's because of that faith that I've been able to not just enjoy but to look forward to every stage of life that I'm blessed to encounter. Few, if any tears fell as my children reached those milestones in life. 1st days of: kindergarten, grade school, middle school, high school, college. As well as those last days, graduation. As I reflect, I'm overwhelmed and humbled that my God would love me so much that He not only sacrificed His own son but blessed me with two of His own children.

As Kathryn prepared to leave for college I was excited and ready for her to embark on this journey. And then she was there. She didn't walk through our door of an evening. I didn't get to hear her voice retell whatever event of the day she wished to share. And I missed her. So not thinking anything of it I texted, called, and facebooked her far too often. I thought I was letting go only to find out I was holding her back. Feeling like I couldn't fix me on my own I did the only thing I knew to do and prayed as well as ask for prayers. And then I forgot about it.

A pastor once told me that once we give it to God we need to be done with it. As a faithful servant we need to demonstrate that faithfulness, trust in Him and not take 'it' back. Not sure why that bit of advice has stuck with me but I have clung to it over the years. It's been a comfort.

Seeing God at work in all aspects of my life and the lives of those I love, constantly....reminds me that He's got this.

Kat's been back at school for just over 2 weeks. Our conversations have been few but lovely. Matt has started his last semester of his junior year and I can see God at work in his world as well.

For His grace, design, plan and love for me and my family, for the love of His children I am forever thankful and will remain faithful.

God is good ....all the time.

I saw a quote this morning on Pinterest "The master has failed more times than the beginner has ever tried." I love that. As the mom of a young man who has battled being discouraged and remaining encouraged when it comes to sports I find this quote just hits the spot. I've talked until I've been blue in the face trying to encourage him and would've loved to have come across this earlier.

It's a funny thing, parenting. I never really thought I wanted to be a parent. Not 100% sure why I felt that way but I did. Perhaps I felt unequipped. Perhaps I worried that I'd be alone and parenting alone didn't interest me at all. Most likely I was worried I'd have a "me". No matter, I'm a parent of 2 amazing kids who entered my life at just the right time. (a God thing)

I'm not quite sure what anyone thinks of my parenting style, or lack there of. And I'm pretty sure I don't care. I always hesitate to give any parenting advice. No two kids are the same. No two families have the same dynamic or set of circumstances. And pretty much the unsolicited parenting advice that is usually given, in my opinion, is an opinion. And well, my dad had a saying about opinions....I tend to live by that when they're offered up unsolicited.

I have to credit my kiddos for my parenting style. Kathryn has been easy peasy really. I was and still am brutally honest with her regarding most every aspect in life. My life included. I'm pretty sure I scared her!

My son was a bit of a different story. Not difficult really but more of an eye opener. I had a phone call from one of his 6th grade teachers who was appalled by my sons attitude regarding school, school work, etc.... In complete exasperation she informed me that when asked whether or not 6th grade mattered to him he responded "Well, not really. It's only 180 days of my life and in the big scheme of things it wasn't that big of a deal." Well, you can only imagine how that statement went over. It was in that moment that I realized really that life, our take on it, reaction to it, really is just a matter of perspective. And each and everyone of us has a different perspective on life and how it affects each one of us. I guarantee no two perspectives are the same, nor should they be.

Taking a page from my own book, and knowing what I know about people: kids, tweens, teens,  young adults ..... & so on, I shared with my kids, often repeatedly, those things that are important in life. Be all in. Be real. Be kind. Be prayerful, faithful. I shared with them when I was proud as well as disappointed and the reason behind both. I cheered probably way too loud. And at times fought quite loudly as well....for what was right.

The parenting gig is tricky at times but for sure the most rewarding thing I've ever done and I'm no where near done, yay! The only assessment of this "job" that tells me I'm (we're) doing 'ok' is that my kiddos enjoy being at home with mom and dad. They bring their friends as well, they talk to us, and like to just chill. We've yet to run them off. The look forward to their futures, talk of families of their own and being near to family.

I've been given two gifts. Two blessings....God trusted me. If He's for me who could ever be against me.

Had a fun, reflective end to 2014. During a trip to the grocery with my favorite fella, I ran into 2 ex's. (bf's that is) And after pleasant and very brief exchange with them, separately I was reminded how lucky I am to love and be loved by my fella and best friend, my hubby! Thank you Jesus! lol After the trip to the store we gussied ourselves up and joined some friends at Olive Garden. These were friends from High School. I specify that because it's not often we revisit our roots and get together with those folks. (that could probably stand to change) We enjoyed a good meal, had good conversation and of course laughter. One topic that came up in our convo that provided much laughter was Facebook. We all had many FB friends in common due to our HS affiliation and having grown up in such a small community and ironically we all had that "friend" in common that no one knew exactly who they were. Needless to say that provided a good chuckle. 

At the conclusion of our mealtime together Andy and I opted to part ways and just head home. Our clubbing days have came and went and the thought of some wine, a fire in the fireplace, and tv with out a house full seemed too enticing. And it was. It was probably the most enlightening time I can recall having. I knew where my children were and that they were safe and enjoying the company of their bf/gf and friends. I had been reminded earlier just how perfect this man is for me and my life, our life. And there we sat, in the home we longed for. My heart was beyond full. 

I'm looking forward to 2015 and am hopeful for the days ahead. Unlike last year it should be with out too many large events. I'm prayerful and hopeful that our houses will sell. Matthew will begin his senior year of HS. Kathryn will move home for the summer and when she returns to PU she'll be living in her sorority. God willing all of that will take place in the first 6-8 months of this new year. 

However the one thing I'm most looking forward to this year is celebrating 20 years of marriage to my best friend. I don't know when I've ever been so in love. We've been blessed for sure and seem to have seamlessly found our own happiness. I've no insight really as to the "key" to it.I only know that of the two of us I only have myself that I can control. I've taken cues from other couples, my parents, grandparents and of course in-laws (since that's the relationship he's been modeled most) and incorporated a bit of 'how Kelly would do this relationship/marriage thing' and what do you know...a 20 year anniversary awaits! 

So my motto for 2015, thanks to Pinterest I'm gonna: Put on some RED lipstick and Live a little!

As I've grown I've adapted to many situations, more times than not have welcomed change and made the saying "pick your battles" my motto. So many sayings come to my mind as I go about life, such as 'just roll with it', 'this too shall pass', 'times, they are a changing', 'don't sweat the small stuff....it's all small stuff''. You get the picture.

I often think about how my mom would react and handle things. I recall her expectations around the holidays and the many times she found herself disappointed. Just one of the many things I wish I would've been able to give to her....a life with fewer disappointments. As I ponder the way my mother and others deal with things I find that I mold myself accordingly. Disappointment is inevitable but for the most part it's how we choose to respond to situations that brings it about. (or not)

I jokingly posted a status on FB recently that perhaps I should lower my expectations as to avoid or lessen disappointment in my world. WRONG, I know. Perhaps it's just best if I approach life with an open-mind. It's ok to have a plan. Many folks along lifes way encourage a course of action. But one thing I know for sure is I'm not like many folks and my course has never quite been what I thought it would be. (it's been better!)

I mentioned previously that disappointment in inevitable and it is, and knowing that I tend to make decisions for my life that might bring about the least amount of disappointment. I wonder if my mom ever did that? (i don't really feel as though she did)

What I will never understand nor subscribe to is willingly putting myself into situations where there is knowingly potential for disappointment. With that said I've conditioned myself to just walk away from many situations, relationships, and people. In doing so I have a sense of peace rather than disappointment. I subscribe to keeping my life happy, joyous and as peaceful as possible.

It's been years since my father and I have spoken. I contemplated phoning him Christmas day and saying hello. ....I never made the call. You see I was back and forth on making the call as it was. I was unsure of the real purpose for it, what I hoped to get out of it, etc.... And then my brother called to wish me a Merry Christmas and encourage me to make the call. He also wanted to make sure I had dad's new number....as he had moved. I took the number and pondered what exactly to do with it.

I don't have a "dad" listing in my contacts. I did at one time and every time my phone was lost or left behind the kind folks who found it would kindly call my "dad" and let him know my phone was lost. In turn his wife would contact my husband and tell him where the phone was. And that's it. All the contact I've had aside from the cards I sent some years ago, along with the letter I wrote. The End. It's an end that I came to terms with years ago. I've cried my tears. I've missed what was. I've healed and moved on.

My dad was a good dad. A fun guy. My favorite human for many years of my life. And then things changed. Me, Him, and life as we knew it....changed.

I think the best thing to come out of this though is the relationship my brother now has with dad. It's been a long time coming. And I'm truly beyond happy for the both of them.

I really don't know what I'd begin to say to someone with whom I no longer know. And not 100% sure I want to know. And by that I mean I don't desire to know the hows, whys, to ending a relationship with one of your children. I don't desire to know the hows, whys behind not wanting a relationship with your grandchildren. I tried, I tried for many many years and really have zero try left in me.

The toughest part of this is the effect it seems to have on my brother, whom I love dearly. For it's him I'm disappointing by not making the phone call. I thank him for the number but it just made me realize this....In the past year and a half I've moved as well. Like my father I didn't notify him of my move (nor me of his). There's a reason for that ..... we've both moved on. He's happy. I'm happy. And so it goes.

I have the memories, and they bring me joy and make me smile. I focus on the good stuff and am beyond thankful for those who chose to be in my life.

 Life is all about the choices we make....and I choose to not intentionally bring about disappointment.

I started the year wanting to write bits of advice for my kiddos. Like any new year resolution/idea I got off to a strong start and then as the year went on my posts became less and less. I do feel however that those bits I did post were worthy. And as I wind down this year and enter into a crazy busy holiday season I've more tokens of info I want to include.

For starters, know that where you are is not where you'll remain. My daughter going off to college has reminded me of this and made me realize that this is a lesson that is tough for the younger sect. I had forgotten that as a teen you don't tend to look to far into the future, as a result the present seems so permanent. It is not. Know that every moment is changing and in every moment there's a lesson. Have faith, be patient and know that Gods plan for your life is perfect.

Tradition....I hope you value it. Some are corny while others are deep seeded in faith. Growing up my family had traditions and as a result of time/life/divorce/ those traditions sadly withered away. When I married Andy I married into a family who values traditions. It's those traditions that make the holidays all the more special. As I grow older I look forward to starting some of our own traditions with a growing family. Just one of the many things I'm looking forward to as my world changes. It's nice to know some things can be kept the same.

So there you have it. A few more tidbits to remember. I'm sure there will be additional posts before the year is out.

love mom

my level of tolerance is pretty high. i vent to a few. at times i blog just to get it out FOR GOOD! (i hope) i realize i cannot change people only myself, my perception, and opinion on what is happening in my world. but there are those moments when i feel like i just need to scream STOP!!!! STOP BEING FAKE, TWO FACED OR HYPOCRITICAL which ever you might want to choose!

I'll be the 1st to admit that I do love me some social media! I really enjoy FB for many many reasons. However....when I log on an see "make nice" comments from a certain someone(s) to another whom I know for FACT has been horribly spoken about TO ME from the one offering up the "kind thoughts, words, and well wishes" I cringe!

I can only hope & pray that the one whom I speak of has turned it around 180. Turned over a new leaf if you will! Made good! However.....my gut instincts, past experience and all I know to be true and good in this world do NOT have me convinced of that!

I would "unfriend" if you will, but seriously don't want the drama that would come by clicking that button. So for now I shall "hide" as my joy is to precious.

*sigh*

With that rant out there I can assure anyone who comes across my path that ...what you see is what you get. I am kind, not perfect. I am respectful, not perfect. I am forgiving, not perfect. I am not too forgetful, not perfect. I am moving forward with each day, and not always in a perfect way. I am real, 100% , not perfect.

Bare with me as my thoughts right now are kinda all over the place.

My memories of school are fond ones. I looked forward to all the stuff that happened between labor day and memorial day. Back to school was truly a most wonderful time of the year. I got to see kids who were both older and younger, some amazing adults (although I probably wasn't fully aware of just how amazing they really were) and everyday was something new. I really can only recall one time that I didn't want to go to school and that was in the 5th grade when we had a sub for the week. I recall she was pretty awful. Other than that I enjoyed school, my classmates, the teachers and staff and all things associated with it!

At no point though growing up did I ever desire to be a teacher. Not sure what I wanted to do, nor do I really know now, but I figured out that whatever it was I did it was necessary for me to make a difference. In some manner, some way.

I came to this conclusion after spending most of my 20's working in the corporate world "for the man" (lol that cracks me up) doing stuff. Much of that time was spent in HR and time after time I would get calls, messages, and what not from grown adults explaining why they couldn't come in to work that day. I for one was thankful the sick person stayed home. I was even more touched when they stayed home to care for a child. I was also angered that there were punishments for too many days missed no matter the reason. Granted not everyone is honest and there are those who work the system but for the most part I'd like to think that the grown up is honest. If not well I'm of the belief that those sort of things will "come out in the wash" if you will.

After leaving the corporate world I took a break. I took part-time jobs and honestly just did some soul searching. It was at this time that I started substitute teaching. It was an interesting gig to say the least. I've subbed in 3 different school systems, and at all levels and just about every class. I can't think of a subbing experience that I've not taken something away from it. Sadly and for me most importantly is that school isn't what it used to be.

I found myself in taking on a job assignment at my last place of employment for the sake of my own kids. Not the financial paycheck but for the "life" paycheck if you will. I remember telling andy that I had to take the job just to protect my kid as well as other kids. I know that sounds harsh and I don't at all mean physically and honestly it's even hard to explain at times because the scenario's just seem so surreal. (side note: aprox 2-3 years after leaving that job I joined some girls in a birthday celebration of a friend we have in common. I'm not "buddies" with these ladies by any means but as we enjoyed the meal and conversation 2 of them, both who have spouses who work for the school commented that their kids had experienced, or complained about some of the very acts I witnessed. They talked about many of the same occurrences that I tried to defuse or smooth over or at the very least diminish) I needed to be there to tell my kid that the kind of behavior she/he was witnessing from certain adults was NOT ok.

And so it began .... my own personal journey. Not at all sure where it would lead me, where I'd land but continually praying that the Lord use me. That I'd be where He needed me to be and that I'd be just what He needed me to be to those with whom I crossed paths, coworkers, and people of all ages. I wanted to be a light, encouraging, and perhaps even an inspiration to one or two.

Now just so we're clear....I'm entirely flawed and by no means an educated educator. I am however a lover of life, a follower of Christ, continually learning/growing and like to approach others openly, friendly, honestly, respectfully because well....they are a person...mostly likely flawed as well, growing, and like the rest of the human race, they too are probably just doing what it takes to get to the next moment.  Additionally I'd like to be clear that not all whom I worked with at the school, in fact, not most were what I would call a negative influence. But human nature is for us to hold onto the bad as it tends to over shadow the good. I wanted to do all I could to overshadow the bad. (just say'n)

I was reminded this morning, once again of just why I got involved. I just don't get it. I don't get being anything other than encouraging to a kid. I don't get why adults think snarkey comments to a kid are acceptable. I've learned that it does ZERO good to talk to the powers that be. (thus i blog....not that this does any good either but at least I've got it off my chest and out there...I'm so over having to hear of this sort of thing) Is attendance important? yes. Has my kid ever stayed home just because? yes. Because I'm his/her mom and I said it was OK. Teachers take personal days during their contracted 183 in the classroom and most likely for the very reason they take those day(s) off, I too have allowed my children to do the same. Punish me ....not them. I don't call them in sick when that happens I just simply say they'll be out. Those absences are unexcused and that's on us. However when they're sick and home per doctors orders as well as school policy I expect that to be respected.

Sigh.... I'm so not gonna change anything anytime soon. I've 1 1/2 more years to do all I can to encourage, raise, mentor, inspire, and model to my kid on a daily basis how to be a kind, accepting, tolerant, respectful, and perhaps inspirational individual. You see the boy, he's a realist. He calls them as he sees them. I just find it sad that both he and the girl have missed out on many of the fond memories that I experienced. I wonder who he will say inspired him. I wonder what the fond memories will be?

I've also learned that like life the school setting provides much more than an academic education. And as parents we need to be hands on.

So here I am.... flustered, somewhat annoyed and frustrated and saddened all at the same time. And my boy well....he's asleep in the recliner feeling rough and upset that he most likely won't get to play in the next football game even if he is fever free and feeling better.

very few times in this life have i been left speechless. yet as i reflect upon some relationships i find myself just that....speechless. so many thoughts and words going through my head yet if i were to utter the 1st one i would feel as though i had fallen. fallen to a level that i've zero desire to be at. and then i feel sad. sad for those who's lives are such that they experience constant conflict with most everyone or someone on a daily basis. i've people who comment to me 'why are you so surprised?' and my response....because i gave kindness. i'm never quite sure what to think when kindness is given, yet with the change of the wind the course is changed.

i've learned that not only will i never fully understand some people, i've really no desire to do so. and so i move on. load lightened. i've opted for a course without conflict, drama, irritation. instead i choose to be at peace.

reflections at times tho brings about sorrow. sorrow that others perhaps are missing out on such peace. i can't really begin to know what others think or feel aside from what they opt to share with me. and based on those conversations and experiences alone i draw my conclusions.

i do know this....i've always treated others the way i would want to be treated. and frankly can't imagine treating others in the manner some have treated me. grandma always said....kill'm with kindness and if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. as a result there have been moments and relationships which have simply left me speechless. ....

....that makes me sad.


i'm so thankful for a God who knows my heart. who doesn't forsake me. who comforts me and who is always with me.

Mid way through this year....it's been a big one thus far. Graduation YAY! Open House YAY! College Registration YAY! and all of that is just with one of my kiddos! The other has started football, as well as his summer job. We've added animals a plenty to our little farm and all of the blessings of this life are keeping us busy busy busy!

The last half of the year is sure to be just as exciting if not more so! I'm looking forward to new collegiate adventures through the experiences of my favorite daughter, football as a players mom (eep!), 19 years of marriage to my favorite fella...EVER!, as well as my favorite seasons.

I am prayerful that through it all I am pleasing to God for they're His blessings that I enjoy on the daily! I pray that my relationship with Him is amp'd up this year. I pray for my relationship with others as well. And I pray that even though I get excited about what the future holds that I don't forget to enjoy the moment. Memories are made in the moments!

Many times I find myself wondering how you would think I'm doing. Not necessarily on any one thing in particular, but in general. I have some bare walls, not because I don't have a vision but more so it would seem because I don't have you. As I'm planning for Kat's graduation open house I find myself with many ideas that I want to run past you. I always valued your opinion weather or not I took your advice I always valued it and considered your thoughts on any given matter. I've felt you with me every step of this planning process but would love to be able to talk things through.You always threw a beautiful party. I've big shoes to fill. And like I did you, I'm being given a bit of grief over the "planning" process by the girl. Karma...I'm sure you're rightfully so having a bit of a chuckle over it. I know I am, at times.

I feel as though I'm not just planning Kat's open house but also paying a bit of tribute to you and how you influenced me as you planned and decorated event after event. I see you on the bar stool at the island in the midst of all the hubbub talking to everyone, with your bright red lips, big smile telling everyone who will listen how proud you are of your granddaughter. You're keeping an eye on what needs filled, or tended to. *sigh* if only .....

There's much to be done but nothing too big for you've equipped me well. Bottom line tho is this....I miss you much mom. I wish you were here to experience this. But I'm so glad you're healed, whole, and not hurting.

As i was growing up I had many ideas of what my life would be like. What it would be like for me in the moment, what it would be like in jr. high, high school, college, and life there after. I had a vision for myself and of myself. And I don't know that one vision played out as I thought it would.

I don't know if I was/am disappointed. Sure I had heartache but each experience set my course. I also remember much laughter, fun and happy moments. And truth is where I am now is right where I'd want to be. Not at all where I envisioned I'd be.  But as I think back the 'plan' was one that was quite nice. ....just not for me.

I have seen the plan unfold before my eyes. I've watched a little girl grow into a stunningly beautiful woman. She has lived more, traveled more, experienced more than many people do in a life time. I've seen her accomplish goals, overcome fears, and let down walls. And I've seen her love and be loved. Call it what you will 'young love', 'a passing fancy', 'first love', whatever, but for sure it's a love that many never know.

My ideas of life in jr. high and high school were just as I dreamed they would be, even better really. And if the next chapter is anything like the first it's sure to be worth the living.



I thank God for unanswered prayers. For the crazy journey. For being the light that never dulled allowing me to find the light each and every time my choices set me on a dim course. (for there were many) I thank Him for the blessings in my life that began with Andy.